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Old 07-16-2015, 08:55 AM
Status: "Daring to hope" (set 7 days ago)
Location: Coastal New Jersey
62,603 posts, read 59,469,865 times
Reputation: 75470


Originally Posted by Wild Flower View Post
I'm sorry you experience this too. For me, my blackness is a life I can find career wise but then, come home to an empty, empty apt. I don't want a cat or dog to fill the place of a human but the human is not available. It just makes everything else seem pointless.

You are not alone- though when I have these powerful negative feelings, that does not matter so much... still, I care and others do too. Best wishes.
Thank you. That was very nice of you to take the time to say you care.

I am usually OK at work, but now that's interfering with my mood, as well. I'm at a point in life where I should be retiring and collecting my pension and finding another job. That was always the plan. I don't have a college degree. I come from an era when you could work your way up the ladder by taking on more responsibility. People always tell me that with my skills and experience, I should have no problem finding another job without the degree, but I've been slapped upside the head this past year with the realization that this is simply not true. The few jobs that say "or equivalent experience" that I've applied to, I never hear anything from. I've tried networking and sending my resume to people, who seem to accept it and say they'll pass it around, but now I'm beginning to feel like a fool because I realized they are just being polite. I am fairly intelligent, but sometimes it hits me how incredibly naive and stupid I can be. I must have put these people into an awkward spot. I will not do that again.

I HAVE a good job with a good salary, but I've got a lot of debt and four hours a day of commuting, and the plan was always to leave this job, collect the pension and do something else to knock down the debt, in a job closer to home, and now it's become painfully apparent that this plan is not going to happen.

For the past few years I was involved with some big projects, but they've ended and no one knows what's coming up next. I feel as if I've become that dead wood that people refer to sometimes when they look at the older employees. I think what's contributing to the depression is the shame of realizing I'm simply not good enough to find another job. Shame is a terrible feeling. It makes me feel lower than dirt.

Anyway, off this week, so I think I'll go for a walk and then to the beach later. At least those things usually help improve my mood a bit.

Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 07-16-2015 at 09:27 AM..
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Old 07-17-2015, 11:46 PM
Location: Mid-Atlantic
27,862 posts, read 26,468,681 times
Reputation: 34851
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
^Interesting information, 303 Guy. I'll be better for a while, or think I am, and then along comes The Dark Thing and envelopes me once again. At least I'm a pro at it and see the warning signs and call somebody. This time it came after standing waiting at my commuter train and realizing that I kept fantasizing, "Wouldn't it be just so easy to take those few steps forward onto the track as the train pulls into the station..."

I don't see much ahead for me in life except blackness. Talking to somebody now.
I'm pretty sure that the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. At least, that's how it's always worked out for me.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to figure things out and tired of hoping for something better.

Though I've had bouts of depression throughout my life, I can now say with authority that I am truly depressed. I no longer have the ability to truly enjoy anything. Good things cause me to feel sad because I know it won't happen again. At least in my mind it won't. I feel as though I spend half of my life trying to appear "normal" to other people.
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Old 07-18-2015, 01:37 AM
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
6,432 posts, read 3,252,385 times
Reputation: 3149
[QUOTE Good things cause me to feel sad because I know it won't happen again.][/quote]For me it's because those good things are lost - gone forever! It's not a great place to be in. My enthusiasm and sense of joy is gone. All I am left with is a sense of loss - and regret.
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Old 07-18-2015, 06:34 PM
3,663 posts, read 2,082,062 times
Reputation: 1933
Originally Posted by Wild Flower View Post
What I hear you say is you don't feel you have understanding/ knowledge about what is happening with your depression. That you keep experiencing the same thing but not moving beyond it? (If I am wrong, let me know)

You start where you are. Start with the same sh--. Accept it. What we resist, persists. There was a time a minister asked me didn't I just want to lead a calm life? Duh, yeah. But I had to accept that the calmness was not part of me at that time.

Second, and this is important, know you are separate from all the crapola, all the same sh--... it is not you, your physical self. There is a special person that is experiencing this pain and frustrations. See her as valuable because she is. YOU are. For me, this is tough lesson! Hard to stop thinking of myself in the same negative terms I always have.

I've come a long way. I had so many, many, many years of crying, not knowing why. Of fears I could not acknowledge, did not know on a conscious level they were there. Pain and frustrations and worries... that was me. I can say that is not me fully now...over 20 years later. (gulp!)

I say this in reflection of myself and my life. If any of this doesn't fit you, I understand. Don't want to imply what you are feeling.

Be patient with you. And kind. You have time. I realized years ago- 1995? that I had time to figure it out. Before that I was this big mess inside feeling my time to understand this all was running out. I felt very old. It does take a lot of time. But learning, beginning to learn about our inner world is the most important thing we need to do.

One last related thought. As children, a big part of their learning is learning to be themselves. Learning what they can do. Learning how to relate to the world. I think I missed all of that because of my family life. I disassociated it all, was a wall flower in my own life. That is why this is so hard. Learning to learn is second nature (sort of) for kids. For me, it is a huge curve!

Hope you have a good Monday!
Yeah it is hard but it's not just hard. It seems impossible to me because I need the world to prove to me that I'm not just an extension of him. I'm not easy to please because my esteem relies so much on circumstantial validation.
I know sometimes you just have to accept it but there reaches a point where it gets to be too much.
I need to find a way to use my good qualities to my benefit but all they are right now are a burden. Like I have heightened senses but that excludes my eyesight (I have to wear glasses) and the heightened senses make it difficult to deal with life because for example when someone in the neighborhood is smoking weed Ill feel queasy or get a headache. They don't even have to be near me for me to feel discomfort. This is a minor thing but I like to put on perfume sometimes but sometimes it's too easy to put too much on as it gives me a headache. If my dog barks I'll get a headache or my ears will have jarring pain. If my bf holds my hand and his hands are dry I autonomously drop his hands. It also makes me have a low tolerance for pain which can then result in hypochondria. Worse yet often times I can't master my senses. I have the most difficult time interpreting them. Like a doctor will ask me where exactly it hurts and I'm like idk...that's what happened at the gyno last time. The best I could tell them was that area. It worked out okay anyway but it could have been bad. It's the most frustrating thing to feel such discomfort and not know where the heck it is. What kind of person needs a road map for her own body? It's so stupid.
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Old 08-14-2015, 12:43 AM
474 posts, read 319,779 times
Reputation: 385
THANK YOU ALL so much for caring... not just about me... but for each other.

The struggle is bigger than any individual one of us. I really is. Keep fighting. I know I do.
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Old 08-15-2015, 06:00 PM
8 posts, read 7,170 times
Reputation: 21
I don't know what life without depression looks like. Actually according to my therapist I may have borderline personality disorder. How terrifying
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