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Yesterday, I had the most awful day, emotionally. I remember I felt like I was "stuck" thinking negative thoughts about wanting harm co workers and get back at people who hurt me in the past. I remember being so angry that I was grinding my teeth and then the next moment I was almost in tears. I have been taking meds for over a year and a half and this is the first time in a long time that I have felt like this. Every job I have had people always make fun of the way I talk or my facial expressions (saying sarcastic comments like " oh, don't look so excited) or putting me down for not being outgoing. I get tired of it. Plus, I haven't been in a serious relationship in ten years and my ex that I was with used to make fun of me for liking chubby guys (even though he was chubby), would talk down to me because I was ten years younger than him, and put me down in front of his friends. Plus I am bitter because I have been out of school since 2007 with a marketing degree and have tried everything to get hired but can't , now I work at a crummy warehouse job. Everybody has discouraged me from going into marketing because they think it is not in high demand plus they say I don't have the personality for it. I never fit in anywhere I go. I often times hate being gay (which I am not even sure I am 100% gay anymore ) . I am bitter because I am 32 and most people my age have a family and a good career , which I don't have . I feel I have let down my family. I was the only one my parents helped through college yet my two brothers and one sister all have Master's degrees and good jobs while I am not doing much now. So much more was expected of me because I had a 3.8 gpa in high school but made crappy grades in college. Most of my friends do not talk to me very often . My closest friend here in this city often times does not return my texts and doesn't invite me to do anything with him and when I ask him to do stuff he acts like I am bothering him.I think he does not hang around me much because I am not successful or drink alot like most of his friends do.
So I am deeply angry about all this stuff and I find myself fantasizing about killing or hurting others. I hate going places and never fitting in. I feel so alone and hurt even though my parents love me and we talk regularly. I want people to feel ****ty on the inside just like I do. I want people to feel pain . I wish I could go back in the past and hurt friends who betrayed me and people I dated who treated me like crap or hurt every supervisor or employee who made fun of me . I have went thru cognitive behavorial therapy in the past and it helped for a while but now I feel trapped in my thoughts . I try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones and it doesn't work. I am most bitter about my current job (warehouse) and my situation listed above about my closest friend not wanting to hang out , not just past stuff.
The feelings of anger and revenge are normal but yours seem to be unfocused. Do you get any form psychotherapy besides the meds? Because the medicine alone won't "fix" your problem. (Personally I don't believe in meds for psychological issues at all.) You need to get insight into why you are this way and how to get out of it. Unfortunately this will probably take years so you need to be prepared for a lot of disappointments and more "ugly" feelings and thoughts in the process.
The anger you are feeling, especially the desire to hurt others, is a red flag. You need to be seen by a psychiatrist who is experienced in prescribing antidepressants and get evaluated before you hurt yourself or someone else. Please get help now!
These feelings you are having could be a side effect of the medications you are taking. You may need to get off those meds and onto the ones that are right for you. Antidepressants are not one-size-fits-all. You might need to try several before you find the right one, and you might have to wait six weeks or so for it to work.
When you feel better about yourself and stop having all those negative feelings, your relationships with other people and your chances of getting a better job will improve. Nobody wants to be around someone who is angry, bitter and down on themselves all the time. Change your feelings and you can change your life. But you need professional help. Good luck, and I hope you will feel better soon.
The feelings of anger and revenge are normal but yours seem to be unfocused. Do you get any form psychotherapy besides the meds? Because the medicine alone won't "fix" your problem. (Personally I don't believe in meds for psychological issues at all.) You need to get insight into why you are this way and how to get out of it. Unfortunately this will probably take years so you need to be prepared for a lot of disappointments and more "ugly" feelings and thoughts in the process.
So find a proper psychologist asap.
I go to a psychiatrist once a month and the visit usually lasts only a few minutes. I was fine until a couple of days ago. My last psychiatrist visit was last week. Basically all he asks is how I feel that day and how I have been sleeping (I usually tell him I am ok but have trouble sleeping ). There is no talk of problems in my life and then he writes me another script to renew my meds and then dismisses me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bayarea4
The anger you are feeling, especially the desire to hurt others, is a red flag. You need to be seen by a psychiatrist who is experienced in prescribing antidepressants and get evaluated before you hurt yourself or someone else. Please get help now!
These feelings you are having could be a side effect of the medications you are taking. You may need to get off those meds and onto the ones that are right for you. Antidepressants are not one-size-fits-all. You might need to try several before you find the right one, and you might have to wait six weeks or so for it to work.
When you feel better about yourself and stop having all those negative feelings, your relationships with other people and your chances of getting a better job will improve. Nobody wants to be around someone who is angry, bitter and down on themselves all the time. Change your feelings and you can change your life. But you need professional help. Good luck, and I hope you will feel better soon.
I had been making a lot of progress until a couple of days ago. I my doctor reduced my Risperidone dose from 2 MG to 1 MG. I still take 150 MG of Wellbutrin XL . Yeah you are right . The meds could be causing the thoughts. I guess I will have to change meds and be on them a while. I was having the doctor take me off the meds because I felt I was getting better but I guess I am not. Plus, (I didn't tell my doctor this) I felt like the meds were stopping me from falling in love, which I heard anti depressants do. People I normally would be attracted to and have strong feelings for , don't really attract me anymore . I rarely have strong attractions so it would be hard for me to find a mate . I am tired of being single. I haven't had a serious relationship in 10 years and I feel the meds are holding me back.
I go to a psychiatrist once a month and the visit usually lasts only a few minutes. I was fine until a couple of days ago. My last psychiatrist visit was last week. Basically all he asks is how I feel that day and how I have been sleeping (I usually tell him I am ok but have trouble sleeping ). There is no talk of problems in my life and then he writes me another script to renew my meds and then dismisses me.
Like I said this is wrong and you need to see a psychologist to talk about your underlying issues. The meds, if they help at all, do only have a supportive role and are not going to fix you by themselves.
Sounds like maybe you need a therapist/counselor instead of meds. Sometimes psychiatrists get lazy because it's easier for them to just keep writing a prescription. Maybe you should think about talking to a psychologist who wouldn't be prescribing anything, and see if you can work this out. Maybe you could call your previous cognitive guy for suggestions?
Sounds like maybe you need a therapist/counselor instead of meds. Sometimes psychiatrists get lazy because it's easier for them to just keep writing a prescription. Maybe you should think about talking to a psychologist who wouldn't be prescribing anything, and see if you can work this out. Maybe you could call your previous cognitive guy for suggestions?
I agree! See a psychologist.
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