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Hello, I am new at this Dementia disease. My husband is showing signs of early Dementia and I am scared to death. I have posted this before but he has gotten some worse. He has a visit Monday with a Dementia/Alz specialist and the will let me know how he is. My doctor I saw yesterday suggested I go to a Alz group that meets the first Monday of the month. I am looking forward to going. I desperately NEED to talk to some people in my situation. My DH is only 67 but there is Alz in his family. Our simplest conversations can turn in to an argument or he says I am "fussing" at him. One thing my doctor told me yesterday is that he can't help how he is and has no control. That helped me some because I find myself getting so so angry at some of the things he says, one example was yesterday I was going to the doctor and DH said "can I drive you in case he gives you a shot and you can't drive ?" I said SHOT, why in the hell would he give me a shot ????????????????? I want you to tell me and he said well, I was just trying to help and almost started to cry and I felt bad then the doctor told me he equates going to the doctor with getting a shot and that's probably why he said that. I'm sorry for this long post. My sister is 76 and lives 3 hours from me and I think she is afraid to make the drive to see me now plus her husband has severe Empsyhema. I have no other close family just a few friends and they don't want to hear me talking about this all the time. So thank you
My anxiety and stress is not apparent to my husband, sorry to say. A shot WOULD have been good though! I just keep telling myself "He can't help it ." This is not the man I married 48 years ago and that's what makes me angry but he can't help it. Thanks. I'm trying to chill a little more.
No, he can't help it...and so what if he's becoming more forgetful. Is that sooooo bad?
It'll be worse for him if you become angry at him, he's probably aware that he's forgetting things, and he'll feel bad enough about that, let alone that he's frustrating and angering his loved one because of it...he's still the same guy you married 48 years ago...he just can't remember certain things...I hope you keep him home with you and don't send him away like so many do.
My friend was telling me about a woman whose husband was also becoming very forgetful. She would become very angry at him...especially when he dropped her off one time at walmart and then drove home.(forgot to wait for her).
He told me the guys biggest fear was going to a [home] and having strangers "care" for him....that's exactly what happened...and he died within 3 months.
I think it will be good if you talk to other people who are dealing with what you are dealing with and learn how to handle the situation as it progresses.
My good friend was recently upset with her cousin because her aunt has dementia and the cousin just keeps snapping at her. The aunt will make a sandwich and leave it on the arm of her late husband's chair just as she used to and tells her daughter she did it. The daughter's response is, "He's DEAD, Mom, stop making him sandwiches."
My friend says, "Doesn't she realize that every time she says that, it's like her mother is hearing that her husband is dead for the first time?"
There are a few things I learned while going through similar situations. In one case (my SO) it was Frontotemporal Dementia, not Alzheimer's. I also dealt with stroke-induced dementia in a family member. There are many common symptoms and, although the degenerative process is not the same (as far as I know), we the caregivers still face many of the same challenges, to one degree or another.
First of all, do not take personally anything that he says or does. Yes, look out for yourself and keep out of harm's way should he become combative at some point. But don't let insults, threats, temper tantrums, etc., affect your self-esteem or personal well-being. Easier said than done, I know. How simple it would be if all he did was forget things. And it can be pointless to engage in arguing or even discussions because things go south so quickly. You'll become an expert in avoidance techniques, or ways to finesse your way through and around issues. Weird as it sounds, keep a sense of humor. I was sometimes able to derail the SO from a tangent by pointing out the ludicrous . . . that was in the earlier stages, not later on. You will learn to adapt as you go.
Second, absolutely avail yourself of any support groups that you can. Talking with my nurse friends who had dealt with patients with these types of conditions was invaluable. It was purely coincidental that I had friends in that field with appropriate experience (I'm not in the medical field) - they were my personal support group but if I hadn't had them, I would have sought out an organized support group. Family members don't always "get it" - had that problem too.
Third, if you have an opportunity to see the CNN documentary "I'll Be Me" about Glen Campbell, I think you'd find it enlightening if for no other reason than to have it confirm that you're not alone and to show how some functions can remain intact while others are falling apart.
When you first posted about your concerns several months ago, I feared that this would be the diagnosis but didn't want to say too much then. It just all sounded so familiar. I was hoping that it would be something with an easy fix. But at least you now know what you're dealing with and there's some comfort in that. Better the "enemy" that you know than the one you don't.
That's all I have for now. Best of luck as you navigate this new path. I'll be holding a good thought for you and your husband. And take care of yourself . . . as I was told repeatedly, we, the caregivers, aren't any good to our loved ones if we're falling apart. Many times the caregivers develop their own health issues while they're concentrating on someone else. In the end, you're still you.
Thank you so much and no I would never just send him away because I was "tired" of him. I am going to go to an ALZ group first Monday of each month. August will be my first. I saw the Glenn Campbell doc and ALZ is such a strange disease. I am learning early on not to argue. That helps. Since my post of several months ago he has gotten worse but just with his memory. I found the milk carton under the cabinet the other day. Love you all for helping me. I am so glad you are here.
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