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I started a thread on BPD because I had been diagnosed; I've now had that diagnosis removed. Apparently I'm not selfish enough hahah.
I decided to start a thread on my journey to mental health to share with others. Please bear in mind I am in Australia which has a good public health system.
I've had umpteen psychologists/psychiatrists (all free) and have now been told
REGULAR THERAPY DOES NOT WORK FOR ME.
First of all, that was because I was BPD, now apparently I'm not BPD so why doesn't it work?
I'm not even that crazy - but I am too able to control any given setting, to deflect etc. We end up talking about lipstick in regular therapy. I subconsciously derail all but the most intense efforts to concentrate on the hard stuff.
I've ended up at a place called a CNC, meaning Complex Needs Clinic. My therapists tend to need therapy haha, so now I have an Entire Team handling my case. I've had 2 sessions and expect a whole lot more.
I only see one guy on a regular basis but my sessions are taped and gone over with fine tooth combs afterward by a team.
The first session was hellish, 4 hours, but there were 4 of us as I bought in a support person.
Session 1 I had to draw a family tree, and draw my "village".
A seemingly easy task was almost impossible. I simply blacked out most of it.
I then had to draw in lines representing the quality of the relationship - red for severed, blue for neutral, green for good.
I had no blue, a tiny bit of blue, and an entire page of red.
It was extremely traumatic to have to face - on paper - the sheer destruction I have wreaked in my own life.
The second session was about identifying what I need to rebuild my world.
This too, almost impossible - I actually ended up with a frown, my arms crossed, stubbornly silent.
But of course, I had the breakthrough needed - my relationship with my kids which has totally disintegrated.
THAT is the key to rebuilding my own world, and from there I can rebuild my personality.
So if you already have a reasonably functional world around you, a village, you have something for regular therapy to build on.
If you have degressed as far as I have, the surroundings need to be built FIRST. All attempts by regular psychs to get me to leave the house, socialize, etc, are doomed to failure as I literally have nothing to build them on. No village as such.
Anyway I walked out feeling drained but better, from the very first session I found something I hadn't had in a long time - a glimmer of hope that I can crawl out of this tunnel of self imposed darkness.
Latest update - a third psych has just diagnosed me with "Borderline Tendencies" whatever that means.
He also threw in "substance abuse disorder" because I smoke weed.
I wonder if he'd said this if my drug of choice was tobacco.
I also note that if I hadn't been honest about smoking, he would never have known.
Anyway at this point the mental illnesses are piling up like pancakes, and ive gone from being sensitive about being mentally ill to >>>ok, yeah, whatever.
What is bugging me = how difficult it makes my life.
Everything is an effort at the moment. I've just been triggered last week thanks to my ex husband turning up unexpectedly in a place I'd previously felt safe. There were a few other stressors also, my friend told me that day she has cancer, I'd just been snubbed by my (apparently now ex) boyfriend, and a third friends funeral was the same week.
It has all undeniably triggered a Borderline Episode.
It sucks, being so >>>empty and overwhelmed, all at the same time.
As far as "have I thought about treatments CBT/DBT" - I have been in and out of psych offices for YEARS.
Heres what happens -
I spend the entire hour trying to make the psych laugh.
I evade, avoid, derail, dispute. All in the nicest possible way. Smile, nod, agree. I have a lovely psych who has received and used an entire book of makeup and grooming advice from me, most lately the Kylie Jenner look.
She's actually very good at her job, a Forensic and Clinical Psychologist, but she's no match for my derailing skills!
I've ended up at a place which is referred to as a CNC or Complex Needs Clinic. To cut a long story short, the Australian Government are paying for me to go so its free, and will never end unless I choose to end it.
Some people, particularly intelligent people, simply run rings around most run of the mill therapy.
Also as my new guy has pointed out, regular therapy BUILDS ON AN EXISTING WORLD.
I have shrunk my own world to zero. There is nothing to build on. I essentially have no personality, no kin, no friends (well I do but) no job no hobbies NOTHING AT ALL that you would consider a Normal Human Life. I am alone 99% of the time and its because I have become so dysfunctional I can no longer operate in the outside world, pretty much. Please do not confuse this with social anxiety - I can and do go out, see people, for all the world behave like a Normal. You would never know there was anything wrong.
I was extraordinarily high functioning for most of my life until I was horrifically bullied at my workplace. I already had an abusive childhood, a stalker ex who has basically stolen my kids, then bullied at work for about 2 years all up>>>total breakdown.
I lost everything. My kids, my career, my home, my cats, my furniture, what family I did have. I was beaten up and arrested, ive been homeless, you name it. Real undeniable crisis that has been ongoing now for YEARS.
Seeing my ex (who I have hidden from for years) frightened the s*** out of me and sent me sprialling into a Horrible Episode where I find myself alone in my bathroom, screaming inside, with a razor in my hand. I will never escape him, etc.
Its not something I can control but for the very first time with help of the CNC I am actually getting a handle on what makes me "lose it" like that.
The therapy im undergoing is Team, the therapists get therapy lol. But they actually work on my case when im not even there, discuss strategies, counsel each other on how best to deal with me.
I'm emotionally "labile" which means - changeable. Laughing like a drain one minute, depths of despair the next.
Its exhausting and my new guy has explained the Physical Pain link too which has also developed. Some days I feel 110 years old and that's why > the emotional pain becomes too much so the physical pain centre takes over.
Its all very interesting and I have high hopes this therapy will allow me to rebuild myself.
Right now, today, I am not well at all. Signs; I wake up usually around 3am, crying, and cry most of the morning on and off. Exhausted, physically barely able to move. All sorts of other horrible personality changes like yelling at the dog next door when I love animals - but when triggered I feel like I could wring its neck (but I never would) but the disgust I feel at myself for being this way then launches me into suicidal ideation. Just end it, no one gives a toss anyway etc.
Its horrible, like being in a washing machine and drowning and NO ONE can help. I cant even call anyone because im too emotionally garbled to even explain anything. I end up hanging up on (whoever) when im like that.
Ive really struggled all my life with being a "bad" person, and you can see why. BPD literally makes you insane with self hatred.
Oh and, I DO "handle it". My support worker knows to leave me alone when I ask her to. My way of coping is to withdraw utterly, even from myself.
The episode in the weekend frightened me though. The intensity of despair is absolutely overwhelming.
Latest update - a third psych has just diagnosed me with "Borderline Tendencies" whatever that means.
He also threw in "substance abuse disorder" because I smoke weed.
I wonder if he'd said this if my drug of choice was tobacco.
I also note that if I hadn't been honest about smoking, he would never have known.
Anyway at this point the mental illnesses are piling up like pancakes, and ive gone from being sensitive about being mentally ill to >>>ok, yeah, whatever.
What is bugging me = how difficult it makes my life.
Everything is an effort at the moment. I've just been triggered last week thanks to my ex husband turning up unexpectedly in a place I'd previously felt safe. There were a few other stressors also, my friend told me that day she has cancer, I'd just been snubbed by my (apparently now ex) boyfriend, and a third friends funeral was the same week.
It has all undeniably triggered a Borderline Episode.
It sucks, being so >>>empty and overwhelmed, all at the same time.
As far as "have I thought about treatments CBT/DBT" - I have been in and out of psych offices for YEARS.
Heres what happens -
I spend the entire hour trying to make the psych laugh.
I evade, avoid, derail, dispute. All in the nicest possible way. Smile, nod, agree. I have a lovely psych who has received and used an entire book of makeup and grooming advice from me, most lately the Kylie Jenner look.
She's actually very good at her job, a Forensic and Clinical Psychologist, but she's no match for my derailing skills!
I've ended up at a place which is referred to as a CNC or Complex Needs Clinic. To cut a long story short, the Australian Government are paying for me to go so its free, and will never end unless I choose to end it.
Some people, particularly intelligent people, simply run rings around most run of the mill therapy.
Also as my new guy has pointed out, regular therapy BUILDS ON AN EXISTING WORLD.
I have shrunk my own world to zero. There is nothing to build on. I essentially have no personality, no kin, no friends (well I do but) no job no hobbies NOTHING AT ALL that you would consider a Normal Human Life. I am alone 99% of the time and its because I have become so dysfunctional I can no longer operate in the outside world, pretty much. Please do not confuse this with social anxiety - I can and do go out, see people, for all the world behave like a Normal. You would never know there was anything wrong.
I was extraordinarily high functioning for most of my life until I was horrifically bullied at my workplace. I already had an abusive childhood, a stalker ex who has basically stolen my kids, then bullied at work for about 2 years all up>>>total breakdown.
I lost everything. My kids, my career, my home, my cats, my furniture, what family I did have. I was beaten up and arrested, ive been homeless, you name it. Real undeniable crisis that has been ongoing now for YEARS.
Seeing my ex (who I have hidden from for years) frightened the s*** out of me and sent me sprialling into a Horrible Episode where I find myself alone in my bathroom, screaming inside, with a razor in my hand. I will never escape him, etc.
Its not something I can control but for the very first time with help of the CNC I am actually getting a handle on what makes me "lose it" like that.
The therapy im undergoing is Team, the therapists get therapy lol. But they actually work on my case when im not even there, discuss strategies, counsel each other on how best to deal with me.
I'm emotionally "labile" which means - changeable. Laughing like a drain one minute, depths of despair the next.
Its exhausting and my new guy has explained the Physical Pain link too which has also developed. Some days I feel 110 years old and that's why > the emotional pain becomes too much so the physical pain centre takes over.
Its all very interesting and I have high hopes this therapy will allow me to rebuild myself.
Right now, today, I am not well at all. Signs; I wake up usually around 3am, crying, and cry most of the morning on and off. Exhausted, physically barely able to move. All sorts of other horrible personality changes like yelling at the dog next door when I love animals - but when triggered I feel like I could wring its neck (but I never would) but the disgust I feel at myself for being this way then launches me into suicidal ideation. Just end it, no one gives a toss anyway etc.
Its horrible, like being in a washing machine and drowning and NO ONE can help. I cant even call anyone because im too emotionally garbled to even explain anything. I end up hanging up on (whoever) when im like that.
Ive really struggled all my life with being a "bad" person, and you can see why. BPD literally makes you insane with self hatred.
Oh and, I DO "handle it". My support worker knows to leave me alone when I ask her to. My way of coping is to withdraw utterly, even from myself.
The episode in the weekend frightened me though. The intensity of despair is absolutely overwhelming.
When you decide you want to truly get better, print out your last post about how you view and act in therapy and show it to your therapist. Ask about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and group treatment not just individual.
No one can help you if you aren't also doing your best to help yourself.
In the interests of honesty I'm updating this thread.
Yesterday I went to my lawyers which was huge for me emotionally.
Basically I've been ill ever since I was bullied at work about 4 years ago. I started a law suit but I left it a bit long, but recently found a good lawyer willing to take me on.
Yesterday he suggested that my ex employer is willing to settle and named a lump sum (worst case scenario) that was beyond my wildest dreams and basically, utterly unexpected. They had indicated they would fight all the way, but this offer of settlement shows they realize they are at risk. And it's true, they underpaid me by this exact amount anyway, and I can prove it.
There is potential to get a specialized diagnosis done by a Highly Qualified Practitioner, in an attempt to prove my disability is
1. more than 30% impairment and
2. work related.
There is an excellent possibility I can prove both in which case the "payout" will be even huger, include a lump sum, also eked out over the next 15 years or so.
So. My lawyer is booking me for this specialized diagnosis.
To date I have had:
1. A quick diagnosis as BPD by a hospital psychiatrist who saw me for about 40 minutes then didn't even bother to do the paperwork which would've sent me to DBT
2. a referral to a Complex Needs Clinic who I'm seeing weekly, who say I do not fit a BPD diagnosis (I don't self harm, I don't expect other people to sort my problems out) but DO fit the diagnosis of PTSD and Trauma Brain (abused as a very small child).
3. ongoing visits to a psychologist who has diagnosed severe depression yet been unable to help me much even though I really like her
4. a one off visit to impartial psychiatrist who diagnosed "BPD like symptoms", also Substance Abuse Disorder and Binge Disorder, for my work claim. He also interestingly firmly attributed this illness to work, and its true, I was functional to a very high level for most of my life despite a multitude of obstacles to success.
In fact, even noticing and learning about my craziness, I still think im one of the "saner" type of people around.
You could meet me and never, ever suspect what I suffer from.
My latest guy has explained that I probably have a "shut down" period and its true, I do. Its 2 weeks. I didn't even realize I knew that until it popped out of my mouth (gotta love therapy).
The trouble is people like me (abused as small children) tend to shut down then recover and spend the next 2 weeks fixing messes caused by the shutdown. Then something else outside our control happens, and it starts all over again.
Practically speaking, if you stop being able to cope emotionally, you spend your entire life either shut down or cleaning up.
Which describes my life perfectly. This guy is SCARY GOOD.
I have been in a repeated 2 week cycle since 2011 and the challenge is to shrink it down to say, an hour. But this behavior will probably always be with me and he has only learnt that it can be shrunk, by clients. The textbooks say that once you enter this shutdown type behavior its with you for life - my guy says theyre wrong. You can learn to manage them with work.
Basically I'm at a brilliant place treatment wise, and Life in General has just taken a huge upswing also with the prospect of some serious cash to enable me to put this ongoing grievance, behind me.
Basically I've been ill ever since I was bullied at work about 4 years ago. I started a law suit but I left it a bit long, but recently found a good lawyer willing to take me on.
.
In the interests of honesty I'm updating this thread.
Yesterday I went to my lawyers which was huge for me emotionally.
Basically I've been ill ever since I was bullied at work about 4 years ago. I started a law suit but I left it a bit long, but recently found a good lawyer willing to take me on.
Yesterday he suggested that my ex employer is willing to settle and named a lump sum (worst case scenario) that was beyond my wildest dreams and basically, utterly unexpected. They had indicated they would fight all the way, but this offer of settlement shows they realize they are at risk. And it's true, they underpaid me by this exact amount anyway, and I can prove it.
There is potential to get a specialized diagnosis done by a Highly Qualified Practitioner, in an attempt to prove my disability is
1. more than 30% impairment and
2. work related.
There is an excellent possibility I can prove both in which case the "payout" will be even huger, include a lump sum, also eked out over the next 15 years or so.
So. My lawyer is booking me for this specialized diagnosis.
To date I have had:
1. A quick diagnosis as BPD by a hospital psychiatrist who saw me for about 40 minutes then didn't even bother to do the paperwork which would've sent me to DBT
2. a referral to a Complex Needs Clinic who I'm seeing weekly, who say I do not fit a BPD diagnosis (I don't self harm, I don't expect other people to sort my problems out) but DO fit the diagnosis of PTSD and Trauma Brain (abused as a very small child).
3. ongoing visits to a psychologist who has diagnosed severe depression yet been unable to help me much even though I really like her
4. a one off visit to impartial psychiatrist who diagnosed "BPD like symptoms", also Substance Abuse Disorder and Binge Disorder, for my work claim. He also interestingly firmly attributed this illness to work, and its true, I was functional to a very high level for most of my life despite a multitude of obstacles to success.
In fact, even noticing and learning about my craziness, I still think im one of the "saner" type of people around.
You could meet me and never, ever suspect what I suffer from.
My latest guy has explained that I probably have a "shut down" period and its true, I do. Its 2 weeks. I didn't even realize I knew that until it popped out of my mouth (gotta love therapy).
The trouble is people like me (abused as small children) tend to shut down then recover and spend the next 2 weeks fixing messes caused by the shutdown. Then something else outside our control happens, and it starts all over again.
Practically speaking, if you stop being able to cope emotionally, you spend your entire life either shut down or cleaning up.
Which describes my life perfectly. This guy is SCARY GOOD.
I have been in a repeated 2 week cycle since 2011 and the challenge is to shrink it down to say, an hour. But this behavior will probably always be with me and he has only learnt that it can be shrunk, by clients. The textbooks say that once you enter this shutdown type behavior its with you for life - my guy says theyre wrong. You can learn to manage them with work.
Basically I'm at a brilliant place treatment wise, and Life in General has just taken a huge upswing also with the prospect of some serious cash to enable me to put this ongoing grievance, behind me.
I assume this is just a joke like your sketchy threads! Cute post as always.
My latest guy has explained that I probably have a "shut down" period and its true, I do. Its 2 weeks. I didn't even realize I knew that until it popped out of my mouth (gotta love therapy).
The trouble is people like me (abused as small children) tend to shut down then recover and spend the next 2 weeks fixing messes caused by the shutdown. Then something else outside our control happens, and it starts all over again.
Practically speaking, if you stop being able to cope emotionally, you spend your entire life either shut down or cleaning up.
Which describes my life perfectly. This guy is SCARY GOOD.
Cinders, this guys sounds great but I did want to warn you to be careful about "inviting" him to be your therapist. (I was trying really hard to figure out which word to use in place of "inviting," which isn't all that great as a descriptor, but it's all I could come up with at the moment.)
Why didn't you just quit and work somewhere else instead allowing yourself to have a melt down?
The moment I get bullied here at work, I'll look for something else no matter if I have to accept a cut in pay or whatever. I rather work at a toll booth and stay sane as hating to go to work every day and take shyte from others.
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