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Old 09-28-2015, 10:10 AM
 
2 posts, read 1,425 times
Reputation: 11

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This is going to be a long read, but im really down and need some guidance as i want to put my life on track. So anyone who can understand and help me out is saving my life.
Im 22 male. All my school and teenage years I never had a female friend as I was very shy and unconfident to talk to them (and perfectly normal around guys). I had a low self esteem and used to think that im not good looking enough but that thinking now has changed (after what people(incl girls) have told me about my appearance)
so after college I got a job in a new city. In my company there came a new girl who was very extrovert and would talk to everyone regardless of the gender. So normally she used to talk with me sometimes - initially I was very awkward but slowly opened up (it took 8 months for me to act in a normal laid back manner in front of her).finally we became good friends. All along she figured out that I dont have girl friends ( by examining my somewhat needy behaviour and over texting and eagerly helping her out with stuff.)
Due to never having a girlfriend, I started to get these thoughts if I could get her to like me. And due to being inexperienced with woman I started to think some of her behaviour towards me as showing interest. This led to me developing feelings for her - which i actually hated. I was not entirely sure if I wanted to be with her.( disliked some of her behaviour). I researched and figured it was this lust and desperation which led to me having obsessive thoughts about her and that it was not actual love.
Finally she left the company. After that I decided that I have to talk to more woman and remove my inhibition around them. I Have been trying to do just that and have done some progression in terms of being myself around girls and talking with them.(am still somewhat very shy and not good at flirting).
But it always bugged me that if i had told her that I like her, what would be her response. These thought disturbed me for more than a year. So many times a day Espc in the morning and before sleep she would come into my thoughts and I would start imagining myself being romantically involved with her.
I feel like im losing my mind. Sometimes I contemplated going to a therapist. Everytime I would see a couple, I would feel so lonely. Everytime I see a pretty girl, I would start to look at her longingly. These thoughts were messing with me big time and interfering with my studies( which is really important to me) Deep down I was fearing that I may not get a gf soon. This made me very sad and desperate - and finally I did what I feared to do-
I met her again after 1.5 year at our friends marriage and there was this surge of emotions in me I couldnt control. I felt like I have to tell her that I like her( to find out if she liked me.) That night i texted her and told her that i like her. She told that she suspected this while we were working and also pointed out that my attraction towards her is due to not knowing or having many woman on my radar .( I disagreed with her but deep down I knew that she is mostly correct). She rejected me and told that the age gap and different religion makes us uncompatible. To be honest I never wanted this to happen- I didn't want to confess this to the only close (and attractive) female friend I made - I had made up my mind that going forward I would just work on my personality and talk to more woman - and leave my first female friend alone - but I broke the oath.
I feel the confession was not totally sincere as even I was not sure if I want to be with this girl. My mind is drowned in thoughts (of woman i see in surrounding & social circle , of not having a gf, ). This is severely effecting my Life. I just want to have clear head and be totally detached from the Needy feeling of having a gf. I think the right thing would be to go out and talk to more woman. But i suffer from anxiety and hence find it difficult to juggle between chasing woman and studying. I have given a lot of importance to having a gf that I just constantly think about getting a gf soon.
After reading this does it sound like I might have some mental or personality issues? What do you guys suggest. Not sure if this kind of question belongs in a relationship section. But any suggestion would be really helpful.

Last edited by thesilentkiller; 09-28-2015 at 10:54 AM..
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Old 09-28-2015, 10:12 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,423 posts, read 46,693,254 times
Reputation: 94802
Quote:
Originally Posted by thesilentkiller View Post
This is going to be a long read, but im really down and need some guidance as i want to put my life on track. So anyone who can understand and help me out is saving my life.
Im 22 male. All my school and teenage years I never had a female friend as I was very shy and unconfident to talk to them (and perfectly normal around guys). I had a low self esteem and used to think that im not good looking enough but that thinking now has changed (after what people(incl girls) have told me about my appearance)
so after college I got a job in a new city. In my company there came a new girl who was very extrovert and would talk to everyone regardless of the gender. So normally she used to talk with me sometimes - initially I was very awkward but slowly opened up (it took 8 months for me to act in a normal laid back manner in front of her).finally we became good friends. All along she figured out that I dont have girl friends ( by examining my somewhat needy behaviour and over texting and eagerly helping her out with stuff.)
Due to never having a girlfriend, I started to get these thoughts if I could get her to like me. And due to being inexperienced with woman I started to think some of her behaviour towards me as showing interest. This led to me developing feelings for her - which i actually hated. I was not entirely sure if I wanted to be with her.( disliked some of her behaviour). I researched and figured it was this lust and desperation which led to me having obsessive thoughts about her and that it was not actual love.
Finally she left the company. After that I decided that I have to talk to more woman and remove my inhibition around them. I Have been trying to do just that and have done some progression in terms of being myself around girls and talking with them.(am still somewhat very shy and not good at flirting).
But it always bugged me that if i had told her that I like her, what would be her response. These thought disturbed me for more than a year. So many times a day Espc in the morning and before sleep she would come into my thoughts and I would start imagining myself being romantically involved with her.
I feel like im losing my mind. Sometimes I contemplated going to a therapist. Everytime I would see a couple, I would feel so lonely. Everytime I see a pretty girl, I would start to look at her longingly. These thoughts were messing with me big time and interfering with my studies and career( which is really important to me) Deep down I was fearing that I may not get a gf soon. This made me very sad and desperate - and finally I did what I feared to do-
I met her again after 1.5 year at our friends marriage and there was this surge of emotions in me I couldnt control. I felt like I have to tell her that I like her( to find out if she liked me.) That night i texted her and told her that i like her. She told that she suspected this while we were working and also pointed out that my attraction towards her is due to not knowing or having many woman on my radar .( I disagreed with her but deep down I knew that she is mostly correct). She rejected me and told that the age gap and different religion makes us uncompatible. To be honest I never wanted this to happen- I didn't want to confess this to the only close (and attractive) female friend I made - I had made up my mind that going forward I would just work on my personality and talk to more woman - and leave my first female friend alone - but I broke the oath.
I feel the confession was not totally sincere as even I was not sure if I want to be with this girl. My mind is drowned in thoughts (of woman i see in surrounding & social circle , of not having a gf, ). This is severely effecting my Life. I just want to have clear head and be totally detached from the Needy feeling of having a gf. I think the right thing would be to go out and talk to more woman. But i suffer from anxiety and hence find it difficult to juggle between chasing woman and studying/career. I have given a lot of importance to having a gf that I just constantly think about getting a gf soon.
After reading this does it sound like I might have some mental or personality issues? What do you guys suggest. Not sure if this kind of question belongs in a relationship section. But any suggestion would be really helpful.
You need to talk to a psychologist.

You've done some good work on your own, but you need a pro to help you sort out the "meta" issues.
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Old 09-28-2015, 10:12 AM
 
3,299 posts, read 2,004,782 times
Reputation: 5507
My advice would be to get into car sales.
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Old 09-28-2015, 10:28 AM
 
388 posts, read 281,629 times
Reputation: 289
Strongly suggest you seek professional help. You've already identified this to be a problem, the help is available for you.

Your response to women and the anxiety is not normal. You said it severely affected your study and career choices? That is unhealthy. My uncle had the same problem as you but the tragedy is he was not as self aware as you. He stayed unemployed due to depression for 30 years after his first girlfriend dumped him in high school.

Self awareness is the first step. Now you need to talk about it with a professional.
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Old 09-28-2015, 10:31 AM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
38,122 posts, read 27,793,556 times
Reputation: 35409
Quote:
Originally Posted by scratch33 View Post
my advice would be to get into car sales.

lol!
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Old 09-28-2015, 10:47 AM
 
2 posts, read 1,425 times
Reputation: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnaWilde View Post
Strongly suggest you seek professional help. You've already identified this to be a problem, the help is available for you.

Your response to women and the anxiety is not normal. You said it severely affected your study and career choices? That is unhealthy. My uncle had the same problem as you but the tragedy is he was not as self aware as you. He stayed unemployed due to depression for 30 years after his first girlfriend dumped him in high school.

Self awareness is the first step. Now you need to talk about it with a professional.
thanks for the suggestion. Sorry for not being articulate in my post but I have pretty good career now and currently preparing for exams to get into a top management course. The constant thoughts are actually disturbing my studies. I was very good at studies during school and college. So thats why it bothers me even more that I cant concentrate/focus now. Feels like I lost a part of my self.
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Old 09-28-2015, 10:50 AM
 
388 posts, read 281,629 times
Reputation: 289
Quote:
Originally Posted by thesilentkiller View Post
The constant thoughts are actually disturbing my studies. I am was very good at studies during school and college. So that why it bothers me even more that I cant concentrate/focus now. Feels like I lost a part of my self.

Don't throw away your hard work now . It's not worth it
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Old 09-28-2015, 10:55 AM
 
220 posts, read 140,354 times
Reputation: 168
OP you should definitely consider a psychologist, they can help you sort what you are going through out.

No diagnosis here is going to be accurate and there may be something going on that can be (relatively) easily treated.

To me it sounds like an anxiety problem or even OCD; mostly obsessional. It's characterized by recurrent and distressing unwanted and obsessive thoughts which result in a compulsive need to neutralize the anxiety caused by them. The "D" part means that it significantly interferes with your daily life and activities.

In classic OCD you see people performing elaborate rituals, counting, checking things....etc. But many people with OCD have no obvious signs of this. Instead it's an internal struggle where the more they try not to think about something the more they actually think about it.

The only solution is to accept that we are human and can't necessarily control all of our thoughts. You need to let them come and go even if they are distressing.

The next step is to get your foot out there and try to meet girls even in the face of anxiety.
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Old 09-28-2015, 10:59 AM
 
12,580 posts, read 14,360,023 times
Reputation: 15056
Quote:
Originally Posted by thesilentkiller View Post
This is going to be a long read, but im really down and need some guidance as i want to put my life on track. So anyone who can understand and help me out is saving my life.
Im 22 male. All my school and teenage years I never had a female friend as I was very shy and unconfident to talk to them (and perfectly normal around guys). I had a low self esteem and used to think that im not good looking enough but that thinking now has changed (after what people(incl girls) have told me about my appearance)
so after college I got a job in a new city. In my company there came a new girl who was very extrovert and would talk to everyone regardless of the gender. So normally she used to talk with me sometimes - initially I was very awkward but slowly opened up (it took 8 months for me to act in a normal laid back manner in front of her).finally we became good friends. All along she figured out that I dont have girl friends ( by examining my somewhat needy behaviour and over texting and eagerly helping her out with stuff.)
Due to never having a girlfriend, I started to get these thoughts if I could get her to like me. And due to being inexperienced with woman I started to think some of her behaviour towards me as showing interest. This led to me developing feelings for her - which i actually hated. I was not entirely sure if I wanted to be with her.( disliked some of her behaviour). I researched and figured it was this lust and desperation which led to me having obsessive thoughts about her and that it was not actual love.
Finally she left the company. After that I decided that I have to talk to more woman and remove my inhibition around them. I Have been trying to do just that and have done some progression in terms of being myself around girls and talking with them.(am still somewhat very shy and not good at flirting).
But it always bugged me that if i had told her that I like her, what would be her response. These thought disturbed me for more than a year. So many times a day Espc in the morning and before sleep she would come into my thoughts and I would start imagining myself being romantically involved with her.
I feel like im losing my mind. Sometimes I contemplated going to a therapist. Everytime I would see a couple, I would feel so lonely. Everytime I see a pretty girl, I would start to look at her longingly. These thoughts were messing with me big time and interfering with my studies( which is really important to me) Deep down I was fearing that I may not get a gf soon. This made me very sad and desperate - and finally I did what I feared to do-
I met her again after 1.5 year at our friends marriage and there was this surge of emotions in me I couldnt control. I felt like I have to tell her that I like her( to find out if she liked me.) That night i texted her and told her that i like her. She told that she suspected this while we were working and also pointed out that my attraction towards her is due to not knowing or having many woman on my radar .( I disagreed with her but deep down I knew that she is mostly correct). She rejected me and told that the age gap and different religion makes us uncompatible. To be honest I never wanted this to happen- I didn't want to confess this to the only close (and attractive) female friend I made - I had made up my mind that going forward I would just work on my personality and talk to more woman - and leave my first female friend alone - but I broke the oath.
I feel the confession was not totally sincere as even I was not sure if I want to be with this girl. My mind is drowned in thoughts (of woman i see in surrounding & social circle , of not having a gf, ). This is severely effecting my Life. I just want to have clear head and be totally detached from the Needy feeling of having a gf. I think the right thing would be to go out and talk to more woman. But i suffer from anxiety and hence find it difficult to juggle between chasing woman and studying. I have given a lot of importance to having a gf that I just constantly think about getting a gf soon.
After reading this does it sound like I might have some mental or personality issues? What do you guys suggest. Not sure if this kind of question belongs in a relationship section. But any suggestion would be really helpful.
Easy "Killer."

You really need professional help ASAP!!
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Old 09-28-2015, 07:26 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
10,193 posts, read 20,920,093 times
Reputation: 13370
Or you can talk to your family doctor who might prescribe something for your social anxiety.

Truth be told, most people develop crushes on unavailable people and it makes them feel more than a little crazy. You've done the right thing by telling your friend, so reality can help you get over it. Don't expect to forget her over night. Be patient and realize you're not as messed up as you fear.

Find a good doctor who has time to listen. Try medication, meditation, and exercise. You'll feel better soon.
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