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Old 10-15-2015, 11:46 PM
 
3,431 posts, read 3,357,874 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Why would I care about the interest of someone who obviously thinks I'm unattractive? That wouldn't make sense in my world.

I'm not saying that older women are unattractive--what I'm saying is that women who are going thru menopause go thru a mourning period for their lost youth and perceived loss of beauty. Our bodies are changing--those who never had a pot belly grow one, and those who already had one get a bigger one. Our hair falls out--I've lost a considerable amount of hair and I didn't have a lot to begin with. It's a crisis time for those who ever cared at all about their looks and that's probably most of us. It's not a good time for some bozo to go spouting off about how we need to get with the program and fix ourselves up to look younger.

I do know some very attractive women who're older but I can't help notice how many women spend their old age alone. I've spent my entire life alone and I'm tired of it--spent half my life in a false marriage. Trouble is I've gotten really picky--the irony of dating is we get picky as we get older and can less afford to be. I will not miss this man's friendship--maybe the better parts of it, but things are wearing thin.
Sorry, I didn't realize that the guy had originally insulted you, and that you consider him "some bozo". Thought he was a friend at some level. His earlier comments might not have meant that he thought you were ugly, just that you weren't his usual type, there was no chemistry to begin with, etc.. But I guess maybe he now means that he still finds you unattractive. He's just fishing for a friends-with-benefits arrangement.

I'm not going thru a period of "mourning" for lost allure, personally. I don't get that type of grieving. Facing mortality, I can see. The sense that time's running out, and that it's going fast. A twinge of sadness when I notice more grey hair, because it's a reminder of that. Overall, I'm comfortable with being an older lady, though, because I was never comfortable with superficial judgements about appearance. I went through an ugly duckling phase as a teen, then grew out of it and was fairly pretty. Later I gained a lot of weight, and was unattractive. Lost the weight, got a lot more attention. I was never comfortable with the attention during my "better years" because I felt it was shallow. Never trusted it. Being conventionally young and pretty (or young and "hot") might get a man to approach a woman, but relationships ultimately come down to pheromones and personality if they're going to have a chance.

FWIW, there are lots of divorced men and never-married men out there. For every Eleanor Rigby there's a Father Brown.

There are more single women in their 80s and 90s because men happen to die younger in larger proportions of the population.
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Old 10-16-2015, 05:50 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,077,158 times
Reputation: 14475
Ottawa, he was a friend at some level though we just met last spring on a date. It's been fun but I really don't think this friendship is going to last because I like my friends to have some sensitivity so he's been demoted to "bozo," lol.

Interestingly your looks history pretty nearly matches mine though you seem to have a wiser perspective. Honestly I don't know why I'm letting this get to me which is why I posted in mental health and not relationships--I feel that this isn't healthy at all, at all. I think the reason is b/c I've spent a great deal of my life feeling unloved--very cold and dysfunctional parents and then a long marriage with a spouse who turned out to be gay, so I don't think this is merely an ego thing. I guess I do feel that time is running out, whether that perception is accurate or not.
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Old 10-16-2015, 12:42 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 6,069,900 times
Reputation: 11945
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Why would I care about the interest of someone who obviously thinks I'm unattractive? That wouldn't make sense in my world.

I'm not saying that older women are unattractive--what I'm saying is that women who are going thru menopause go thru a mourning period for their lost youth and perceived loss of beauty. Our bodies are changing--those who never had a pot belly grow one, and those who already had one get a bigger one. Our hair falls out--I've lost a considerable amount of hair and I didn't have a lot to begin with. It's a crisis time for those who ever cared at all about their looks and that's probably most of us. It's not a good time for some bozo to go spouting off about how we need to get with the program and fix ourselves up to look younger.

I do know some very attractive women who're older but I can't help notice how many women spend their old age alone. I've spent my entire life alone and I'm tired of it--spent half my life in a false marriage. Trouble is I've gotten really picky--the irony of dating is we get picky as we get older and can less afford to be. I will not miss this man's friendship--maybe the better parts of it, but things are wearing thin.
Yeah for example I've been to two funerals this year, both of men, both leaving their spouses alone to cope.


How rude.
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Old 10-16-2015, 02:41 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,077,158 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
Yeah for example I've been to two funerals this year, both of men, both leaving their spouses alone to cope.


How rude.
I'm sorry if I was rude and I don't mean to be but how does that match up to what I'm saying? What I'm saying is that I am totally insecure and my biggest fear is of being alone all the rest of my life and that's why I'm posting on a mental health forum. I know that this is not healthy so I need to talk about it. I am not trying to insult women who are alone b/c I very well may be one of them.

Somehow I've got it twisted in my psyche that I can't possibly be appealing to men unless I'm attractive and I'm getting less attractive (or feel that I am) and now I have this bozo of an ex-friend who has found my insecurity and is taking little digs at me with it. I know in my rational mind that I'm not ugly and that I don't have to be beautiful to find a partner but it got stuck in there somewhere in my early life and still hasn't gotten unstuck. I thought it was--was fine for years, but now it's rearing its ugly head again. I guess I'm feeling pretty unlovable right now so I don't see why you think I'm insulting widows?
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Old 10-17-2015, 09:08 AM
Status: "Daring to hope" (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
62,603 posts, read 59,469,865 times
Reputation: 75470
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this except to get it off my chest. I think I'm having a spiritual crisis. I have been friends with a man around my age (I'm 56 and he's 60). We were a failed date--meaning I liked him really well but no chemistry. I told him that the next day after the date and he seemed fine with that.

So we hang out and go places together but no physical stuff. One day he decided to share with me that when he first met me he did not find me very attractive at all but as he got to know me he began to find me pretty. At first I took it well but it began to eat at me. At first I just figured that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm already aware that some people are very attracted to me but most are not and nothing has changed. But it's eating away at me and partly because I've hit menopause and know that whatever looks I had are fading fast and I'm still holding out hope for meeting the love of my love b/c I've never had one even though I was married once. So many women my age and older are single for the rest of their lives and I do not want that for myself. So I guess I'm insecure, but I wasn't really before he said that. Mostly I know this man is an idiot for saying this but it comes back to haunt me every time someone doesn't reply to a message on a dating site or a budding relationship fails or any little setback. What the heck is wrong with me? Is this normal? (The friendship with the man is starting to unravel but I'm not too heartbroken about that--I keep telling myself there's a reason he's been married and divorced 5 times!) So I know this is stupid but don't know how to get out of it.
I just read this and thought "holy $#!+" because I remember looking at your profile once and thinking, "well, no wonder stepka has no problem getting dates--she's so attractive and small and that's the kind men our age will fall over to get to." I am 6'1" and I do make myself up and do my hair, but I can't get too far past "presentable", and between merely presentable and the height horror, there's no dating for me.

I bolded the part above, though, because that hit home. I was married, but never loved, and I am at times terribly sad that I will probably die without ever having experienced what so many get and EXPECT to get in their lives, often multiple times.

LOL@married and divorced five times, but stepka, listen. Ask yourself why you are taking this idiot's remark so to heart. IT ISN'T TRUE. Your self-esteem is down because you haven't found someone yet and you are allowing yourself to take whacks from an irrelevant source. Every time that thought comes into your head, pretend the thought is a mouse and pick it up by the tail and toss it somewhere. It's simply not a valid thought.

The reality is that even for someone who is attractive, finding relationships at our age is difficult. It's not your fault. There are more women than men available, for one thing.

But--it does happen. A woman I became friends with in the past two years was dumped by her husband after 44 years of marriage--for an OLDER woman he met on Facebook. She was heartbroken and had to rebuild a whole new life for herself. She is also small and very feminine and still attractive for her age. A couple of months ago, she went to a memorial service for an old friend, and when she was there she ran into a man she knew from high school. His wife died two years ago, and they started to talk...and last weekend they met each other's grown children. She is 67. So, don't give up hope. Trust me, you are an attractive woman, so toss those negative voices aside. And get that a-hole out of your life.

Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 10-17-2015 at 09:16 AM..
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Old 10-17-2015, 09:59 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,077,158 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I just read this and thought "holy $#!+" because I remember looking at your profile once and thinking, "well, no wonder stepka has no problem getting dates--she's so attractive and small and that's the kind men our age will fall over to get to." I am 6'1" and I do make myself up and do my hair, but I can't get too far past "presentable", and between merely presentable and the height horror, there's no dating for me.

I bolded the part above, though, because that hit home. I was married, but never loved, and I am at times terribly sad that I will probably die without ever having experienced what so many get and EXPECT to get in their lives, often multiple times.

LOL@married and divorced five times, but stepka, listen. Ask yourself why you are taking this idiot's remark so to heart. IT ISN'T TRUE. Your self-esteem is down because you haven't found someone yet and you are allowing yourself to take whacks from an irrelevant source. Every time that thought comes into your head, pretend the thought is a mouse and pick it up by the tail and toss it somewhere. It's simply not a valid thought.

The reality is that even for someone who is attractive, finding relationships at our age is difficult. It's not your fault. There are more women than men available, for one thing.

But--it does happen. A woman I became friends with in the past two years was dumped by her husband after 44 years of marriage--for an OLDER woman he met on Facebook. She was heartbroken and had to rebuild a whole new life for herself. She is also small and very feminine and still attractive for her age. A couple of months ago, she went to a memorial service for an old friend, and when she was there she ran into a man she knew from high school. His wife died two years ago, and they started to talk...and last weekend they met each other's grown children. She is 67. So, don't give up hope. Trust me, you are an attractive woman, so toss those negative voices aside. And get that a-hole out of your life.
Thank you MQ, the bolded remark really hit home and is what I needed to hear. I may change your mice to worms though b/c that's what I think of them as--little worms eating their way into my psyche. Most of the time I fight off these thoughts but when I'm vulnerable I'll think, "Well maybe that's why so and so wouldn't talk to me--I'm actually homelier than I thought!"

But you know what else I was thinking as I read your post? I was thinking that yes, 6'1" is a challenge but with the right man. . . and I must transfer that thinking onto myself and I wish the best for you at the same time--perhaps we'll both find someone before we're 90, lol. I must say too that you've had such amazing experiences in your life that I think that would attractive to me if I were a man--you'd be so interesting to talk to.

Thank you too for not reading this as merely an ego problem--it goes much deeper than that. I had words with that "friend" yesterday and he accused me of being insecure and of course I am, but he already knew that from prior comments that he made. If I weren't insecure I'd have laughed him off from the very beginning but you have to wonder about what someone is thinking when they find your weak spot and poke it periodically--says more about him than me and he is still convinced that he did nothing wrong but I've noticed that he is like that with everything--he is never wrong.
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Old 10-17-2015, 10:41 AM
Status: "Daring to hope" (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
62,603 posts, read 59,469,865 times
Reputation: 75470
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Thank you MQ, the bolded remark really hit home and is what I needed to hear. I may change your mice to worms though b/c that's what I think of them as--little worms eating their way into my psyche. Most of the time I fight off these thoughts but when I'm vulnerable I'll think, "Well maybe that's why so and so wouldn't talk to me--I'm actually homelier than I thought!"

But you know what else I was thinking as I read your post? I was thinking that yes, 6'1" is a challenge but with the right man. . . and I must transfer that thinking onto myself and I wish the best for you at the same time--perhaps we'll both find someone before we're 90, lol. I must say too that you've had such amazing experiences in your life that I think that would attractive to me if I were a man--you'd be so interesting to talk to.

Thank you too for not reading this as merely an ego problem--it goes much deeper than that. I had words with that "friend" yesterday and he accused me of being insecure and of course I am, but he already knew that from prior comments that he made. If I weren't insecure I'd have laughed him off from the very beginning but you have to wonder about what someone is thinking when they find your weak spot and poke it periodically--says more about him than me and he is still convinced that he did nothing wrong but I've noticed that he is like that with everything--he is never wrong.
You know what? Then take this experience with this guy as a life lesson to use going forward--an alarm bell will go off if you meet another who seems to do that "hit the weak spot" game, and you'll be able to cut it off right then and there.

The height problem has been with me forever--I got to be this tall when I was only 14 years old, and I remember panicking thinking I was never going to stop growing. Even now men our age make unkind remarks to me sometimes about my height, but I know it's due to their own discomfort. I don't think they think they are being unkind--they think they are being funny--but it dredges up all those old, sad feelings about being socially sidelined because of a physical "fault" I had no control over.

Oh, there is a place where I could get dates if I wanted to where I'd find a group of men who would not mind going out with me and who aren't as picky about what their friends think about their woman's appearance. That's how I met my husband! They are called "alcoholics" and you find them in bars. With a decent job/salary and the ability to clean up after trouble, pretty much any woman can find a man in a bar! Alas, I won't go there again, lol.

I do notice that the younger people don't have the height hangup so much. I see young couples all the time now where the girl is taller, and my own niece who is 6' tall is in a relationship with a great guy who is a couple of inches shorter than she is. It doesn't seem to faze him. He adores her.
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Old 10-17-2015, 06:01 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 6,069,900 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
I'm sorry if I was rude and I don't mean to be but how does that match up to what I'm saying? What I'm saying is that I am totally insecure and my biggest fear is of being alone all the rest of my life and that's why I'm posting on a mental health forum. I know that this is not healthy so I need to talk about it. I am not trying to insult women who are alone b/c I very well may be one of them.

Somehow I've got it twisted in my psyche that I can't possibly be appealing to men unless I'm attractive and I'm getting less attractive (or feel that I am) and now I have this bozo of an ex-friend who has found my insecurity and is taking little digs at me with it. I know in my rational mind that I'm not ugly and that I don't have to be beautiful to find a partner but it got stuck in there somewhere in my early life and still hasn't gotten unstuck. I thought it was--was fine for years, but now it's rearing its ugly head again. I guess I'm feeling pretty unlovable right now so I don't see why you think I'm insulting widows?
I don't think you're insulting widows.

If anything, you're insulting Yourself.

Mind you, I'm mostly of the "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" line of thought.

I've been attractive and unattractive in my life time, and back again.

I had more problems the more attractive I got, by and large.

Men are fine and all, but finding what you desire (what we all desire) defeats most women, no matter how beautiful, wealthy, intelligent, whatever.

We need to start taking care of ourselves a bit better, us women. Being a bit more accountable for our own well being, and happiness.

If you feel unattractive, start on a health/self love kick...but do not look outside yourself for validation.

That's when you hand your power to others.

We are all alone in this world at the end - very very few people die with loving partners holding their hands. Its the exception, not the rule, for a myriad of reasons.

You need to live Now, Today. Because that's all any of us has. Get pretty for YOU.
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Old 10-18-2015, 08:20 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,077,158 times
Reputation: 14475
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
I don't think you're insulting widows.

If anything, you're insulting Yourself.

Mind you, I'm mostly of the "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" line of thought.

I've been attractive and unattractive in my life time, and back again.

I had more problems the more attractive I got, by and large.

Men are fine and all, but finding what you desire (what we all desire) defeats most women, no matter how beautiful, wealthy, intelligent, whatever.

We need to start taking care of ourselves a bit better, us women. Being a bit more accountable for our own well being, and happiness.

If you feel unattractive, start on a health/self love kick...but do not look outside yourself for validation.

That's when you hand your power to others.

We are all alone in this world at the end - very very few people die with loving partners holding their hands. Its the exception, not the rule, for a myriad of reasons.

You need to live Now, Today. Because that's all any of us has. Get pretty for YOU.
If you didn't think I was insulting widows, why did you call me rude? I wish to high heaven I could not care about this but I'm not made that way I guess. I'd give anything to change my focus to something more constructive but I can't seem to do it. Part of me says well yes, that's because we are all made for love, and part of me says it's because I am way too needy.

Now here's the funny thing--as a single woman I'm actually pretty happy. I get out and do stuff--with friends and by myself. I have an active social life but if no one will go with me, I'm not afraid to go by myself and I will even hike, camp, and go kayaking by myself. I traveled in Scotland by myself a couple of years ago so it's not like I sit home and cry. It's more fear of the future maybe--the truth of the matter is that I'm scared to death of aging. Not of getting less attractive but of losing my mobility and having to have folks take care of me. I make a joke to my fellow teachers--"be nice to these kids because you don't know which of them will be wiping your butt someday!" We all laugh but the idea makes me totally uncomfortable. I don't even know why I'm like this b/c my grandmother, who died at 94, made aging downright hospitable looking but it eats at me and I know for a fact that this isn't healthy. I guess I feel that if I had someone to age with, I could bear it.

And yeah, I'm on a health kick alright and my body is much better but I'm coming face to face with the demons in my mind--I kept them stuffed down with sugary foods before. I know you're right--now to internalize that. But I will tell you all that I'm doing much better. The sting has faded from that phone call and I've moved on and realized that he's just sore b/c I wouldn't hop into the sack with him as he'd hoped. Glad I didn't!
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Old 10-18-2015, 08:28 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,077,158 times
Reputation: 14475
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
You know what? Then take this experience with this guy as a life lesson to use going forward--an alarm bell will go off if you meet another who seems to do that "hit the weak spot" game, and you'll be able to cut it off right then and there.

I do notice that the younger people don't have the height hangup so much. I see young couples all the time now where the girl is taller, and my own niece who is 6' tall is in a relationship with a great guy who is a couple of inches shorter than she is. It doesn't seem to faze him. He adores her.
Yes I know you're right about that. I haven't spoken to him since we had a "text fight" on Friday. Childish I know but I didn't even want to talk to him. A friend suggested that he probably thinks he's genuinely helping me but he's made other negative comments about my looks too and I don't want a repeat of my ex-husband hanging around--that man never could say anything nice but even he never went this far.

Also, we're always more optimistic for others than we are for ourselves but I can't help but think that there is someone out there for you--you're such a neat lady! I have a male friend that is 60 yo and 6'2" tall and his GF is taller, LOL, they are madly in love.

You and me--we just have to keep putting ourselves out there. This I have done--tirelessly really--and it's not all that unusual that I'm going to get stung over and over, and come back with bruises, but I'll keep going at it. You too if you want it.
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