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Old 10-18-2015, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Somewhere
8,071 posts, read 5,703,225 times
Reputation: 5654

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I think it's normal to feel the way your feeling. Any kind of rejection sucks even if it comes from someone we don't care about. Our egos are very vulnerable. You will forget about this incident soon. This man sounds like a real pain. The type of person who wants to control other people and think they know it all. He's toxic. I wouldn't hang out with him.
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Old 10-20-2015, 10:24 AM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,847,079 times
Reputation: 8538
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Where did I say that I find him unattractive and told him so? He actually is quite overweight but I never told him so. I said there is no chemistry and that does not mean the same thing and when I told him that, he said he didn't feel chemistry either.

Actually he said something really awful to me tonight--told me that I need a complete makeover if I want to have any hope of dating. This is so unbelievable as I write it--someone will call me a troll! Unbelievable I mean that someone would think it's okay to say this to a "friend." He said I need a complete overhaul--get rid of the glasses, get a whole new hairstyle, a new wardrobe, etc. That last really hurt as I take pains over my clothes and work hard to get just the right look but he said I need to dress hotter. Mmm hmm. Maybe I need new friends!
Telling someone you have no chemistry = you don't find him attractive.

Do you have trouble dating? If so, take it as constructive criticism.
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Old 10-20-2015, 10:50 AM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,847,079 times
Reputation: 8538
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Somehow I've got it twisted in my psyche that I can't possibly be appealing to men unless I'm attractive and I'm getting less attractive (or feel that I am) and now I have this bozo of an ex-friend who has found my insecurity and is taking little digs at me with it.
You can be physically attractive, but as long as you consider people that you have chosen to be friends with to be bozos, you will not be attractive to a decent guy.

Developing your self-confidence, picking friends whom you don't consider to be bozos, and taking constructive criticism in a positive way will go a lot further than physical attractiveness.
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Old 10-20-2015, 03:41 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,077,158 times
Reputation: 14475
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Telling someone you have no chemistry = you don't find him attractive.

Do you have trouble dating? If so, take it as constructive criticism.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
You can be physically attractive, but as long as you consider people that you have chosen to be friends with to be bozos, you will not be attractive to a decent guy.

Developing your self-confidence, picking friends whom you don't consider to be bozos, and taking constructive criticism in a positive way will go a lot further than physical attractiveness.
It's obvious to me that you lack understanding on this issue so I will clarify.

*If this were an ego problem I'd be posting on the relationship forum. If it were a fashion/beauty problem, that's the one I'd be posting on. Instead, a remark that was made by a man that I thought was my friend and rather crudely delivered is eating on my mind due to various weak points in my psyche, and thus I'm posting on the mental health forum.

*To a man, lack of chemistry might mean lack of attraction, but to a woman it means a failure to light a spark. I was very kind when I told him after a meetup and then a real date that I just wasn't feeling it. No failure on his part but it wasn't going to go anywhere. He agreed that he felt the same and we mutually decided that we wanted to be friends and hang out since we had so much fun. Now whether that was what was on his mind or whether he was hoping I'd give in and have a FWB type arrangement, I don't know, but I never misled him and he had a choice on whether to accept the friendship as offered. That was this past May.

*I don't have a great deal of trouble dating but at 56, things have slowed down. My weight is under control and I dress well, but I live in a rural part of the country so have fewer prospects. He does too though--I'd say I do slightly better than he does--he's pretty overweight but then he has a more outgoing personality.

*During these 5 months that we've been friends, he's made a few comments that stung. The first time, he told me that though he finds me pretty now, he didn't find me attractive at all at first. I'm like . Then why did he ask me out in the first place? The second time he compared me unfavorably to a mutual friend of ours--she is pretty but not a knock-out, so that stung. I let him know it too. Then the last one was about how I need a total makeover. Sorry but that is not constructive criticism--that's just plain mean. Hence he was demoted from friend to bozo. As an example, in this same week I did receive some constructive criticism from another friend (we are critiquing each other's OLD profiles) and he gave me a few little tips that he thought would help and I took them well and plan to implement them so I'm obviously not wildly sensitive. That's a lot different from telling someone that they need a total overhaul and besides if I had taken bozo's suggestions I'd look like a slot. I might get more dates, but would I like them?
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Old 10-20-2015, 04:13 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 6,069,900 times
Reputation: 11945
First of all I didn't call you rude, it was tongue in cheek, my bad and apologies.

This might help you OP;

I hang out in places where its older folk mostly. I am 50 and theres people from about 40 upward.

Often younger people come in as well, later in the evening. So by the end of the night there's a good mixed crowd, all dancing away.

I get hit on all the time. Sometimes its subtle sometimes not so much. I usually bat it off and sooner or later the guy realizes I'm a human being and starts relating to me as such, so over the years the locals know I'm not going to go home with them and now I'm just one of the crew to most...a nice lady whose company they enjoy.

One guy who ive seen eyeing me up since forever, is this big old fat tall oncewas with greasy combbacked dyed hair, he's always dressed in black, always eyeing you up and down. I don't like him, so I've never ever spoken to him or even looked his way but accidentally.

So. After probably 3 years of trying and failing to catch my eye, he came and sat himself beside me outside.

What did he say after the Basic Introductions?

>>you know, you could stand to lose a few pounds<<

is what he said.

Now, I literally LOL'd and choked on my drink because this guy is anyone's description of grossly overweight and Not Very Well Groomed to boot. He went on to tell me he'd once been Obese and had Fantasticked himself into his present (not very good) shape by diet and exercise, and he recommended I try it.

I was absolutely gob smacked ...so much so that I excused myself and said to one of my regular male buddies - do you know what that guy just SAID to me??? in a mixture of stunned horrified amusement (it was just so INSANE)!

My guy friend said, and im pretty much quoting here, "what, was he tearing you down so he could reassure you in the sack?"

So apparently its a Known Tactic practiced by Some Men on women.

And you just got belted with the W(anker stick, OP. Just like I did.

Perhaps think about taking a break from dating until you are less vulnerable to this sort of jerk. Therapy will help, so will exercise and diet, feeling stronger and better, being prouder of your physical self.

But don't take this sort of crap, from ANYONE. Its passive aggressive BS designed to attack your vulnerability.
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Old 10-20-2015, 08:49 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,077,158 times
Reputation: 14475
Don't forget the smiley Cinders! I thought that I must have struck a nerve or something.

Your story cracked me up and made my day. Yes, I do think that that is his problem--I didn't fall into bed with him so he's got sour grapes--well he can take his whine vinegar elsewhere lol. I'm totally stealing the comment about getting belted with a wanker stick, lol.

One thing I've got to wonder though, if this is a known tactic to get a woman into bed when nothing else has worked: does it work? I can't imagine wanting to get naked with someone who just insulted my beauty. That kind of stuff just makes Miss P dry up and close her doors. Maybe it only works on those who have no other options. I have plenty of options for sex if I just wanted that--I want the impossible--a real and lasting relationship.
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Old 10-21-2015, 05:21 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,847,079 times
Reputation: 8538
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post

One thing I've got to wonder though, if this is a known tactic to get a woman into bed when nothing else has worked: does it work? I can't imagine wanting to get naked with someone who just insulted my beauty. That kind of stuff just makes Miss P dry up and close her doors. Maybe it only works on those who have no other options. I have plenty of options for sex if I just wanted that--I want the impossible--a real and lasting relationship.

It's called negging. Promoted by the PUA community. It works, but not the way it is promoted or used by these guys.
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Old 10-21-2015, 06:16 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,077,158 times
Reputation: 14475
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
It's called negging. Promoted by the PUA community. It works, but not the way it is promoted or used by these guys.
Yes I've heard of that but I think you're supposed to neg her in a way that's not quite so personal--like poking fun of her scarf or something and in a cute and funny way. My "friend's" advice was not cute and funny--talked to a mutual friend last night and she said that he was very hurt by this--he thought our friendship was solid enough that I'd take it well. I don't know any woman who wouldn't take it personally if someone told her to get a complete makeover.
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