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Old 10-14-2015, 07:55 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,070,776 times
Reputation: 14470

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I'm not even sure why I'm posting this except to get it off my chest. I think I'm having a spiritual crisis. I have been friends with a man around my age (I'm 56 and he's 60). We were a failed date--meaning I liked him really well but no chemistry. I told him that the next day after the date and he seemed fine with that.

So we hang out and go places together but no physical stuff. One day he decided to share with me that when he first met me he did not find me very attractive at all but as he got to know me he began to find me pretty. At first I took it well but it began to eat at me. At first I just figured that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm already aware that some people are very attracted to me but most are not and nothing has changed. But it's eating away at me and partly because I've hit menopause and know that whatever looks I had are fading fast and I'm still holding out hope for meeting the love of my love b/c I've never had one even though I was married once. So many women my age and older are single for the rest of their lives and I do not want that for myself. So I guess I'm insecure, but I wasn't really before he said that. Mostly I know this man is an idiot for saying this but it comes back to haunt me every time someone doesn't reply to a message on a dating site or a budding relationship fails or any little setback. What the heck is wrong with me? Is this normal? (The friendship with the man is starting to unravel but I'm not too heartbroken about that--I keep telling myself there's a reason he's been married and divorced 5 times!) So I know this is stupid but don't know how to get out of it.
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Old 10-14-2015, 08:03 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 6,067,310 times
Reputation: 11945
My therapist would say to me

What is it about you that attracts people that treat you that way?

Your fella was a jerk, he didn't need to say that, and he only said it to either be mean or bring you down a peg or two for some reason.

Maybe he's not happy you're not sleeping with him - my bet, so he tries to beat up your self esteem a bit in the hope it might encourage you into his arms.
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Old 10-14-2015, 08:07 PM
 
35,107 posts, read 42,690,504 times
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If you think your looks and life are over at menopause that is your issue and has nothing to do with what he said.

You have given him control and that will last as long as you allow it but if he had lied would you be flattered?
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Old 10-14-2015, 08:10 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 6,067,310 times
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Yeah OP I'm of the "men and women cant be friends unless related" opinion.

Otherwise it's all misplaced hope and hurt feelings, eventually.
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Old 10-14-2015, 08:20 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,070,776 times
Reputation: 14470
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
You have given him control and that will last as long as you allow it but if he had lied would you be flattered?
I'd rather he'd not said anything about my looks at all. It's not like I went fishing for compliments--he's the one that brought up the subject.

And Cinderslipper, I do think he was trying to take me down a notch or two--he was actually the one fishing for compliments and I didn't bite b/c I'm not wanting to date him so didn't know what to say. I know this and I'm still having a hard time with it. Like, I know what's behind it but it worms its way in when something in my dating life doesn't go the way I'd like it to and any single person knows that that is often. I wish I could just shake this off but having a hard time. Maybe it's just my hormones talking. So yeah, you're probably right that men and women can't be friends. If he thought that little comment was going to drive me into his bed though, he was sorely disappointed b/c there is no way in Hades I'm going to remove my clothes for man who doesn't find me attractive.
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Old 10-15-2015, 08:00 AM
 
94 posts, read 63,560 times
Reputation: 168
Good people are hard to come by
The problem is is that this world is founded on people playing mind games with each other
People are running around with masks over their faces and pre-processing their words for some imagined tactical advantage

It would be beneficial if you keep your eyes open for kind-hearted and constructively-honest people who only let positive words leave their mouth
Or set a tone with people where they realize that the only way to your acceptance is with positivity first and a constructive honesty after

This type of person is difficult to find but if it means waiting for eternity you'll be better off I think
It's the rest of humanity's turn to make its move now, not yours

As for me I have a door on my heart that I don't open to just anyone -- that's how most peoples' policies should be
It's so strong it can hold back an entire ocean-ful of people except for one

I saw your reply to my thread stepka thank you
I think we put our threads in the wrong forum topic as they are more geared towards society rather than ourselves
Or there ought to be a "greater perspective" forum
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Old 10-15-2015, 03:06 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,845,039 times
Reputation: 8538
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this except to get it off my chest. I think I'm having a spiritual crisis. I have been friends with a man around my age (I'm 56 and he's 60). We were a failed date--meaning I liked him really well but no chemistry. I told him that the next day after the date and he seemed fine with that.

So we hang out and go places together but no physical stuff. One day he decided to share with me that when he first met me he did not find me very attractive at all but as he got to know me he began to find me pretty. At first I took it well but it began to eat at me. At first I just figured that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm already aware that some people are very attracted to me but most are not and nothing has changed. But it's eating away at me and partly because I've hit menopause and know that whatever looks I had are fading fast and I'm still holding out hope for meeting the love of my love b/c I've never had one even though I was married once. So many women my age and older are single for the rest of their lives and I do not want that for myself. So I guess I'm insecure, but I wasn't really before he said that. Mostly I know this man is an idiot for saying this but it comes back to haunt me every time someone doesn't reply to a message on a dating site or a budding relationship fails or any little setback. What the heck is wrong with me? Is this normal? (The friendship with the man is starting to unravel but I'm not too heartbroken about that--I keep telling myself there's a reason he's been married and divorced 5 times!) So I know this is stupid but don't know how to get out of it.
So, it's OK for you not to find him attractive and to let him know that, but not OK for him to do the same.

Double standard, it seems to me.
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Old 10-15-2015, 05:10 PM
 
3,431 posts, read 3,355,376 times
Reputation: 4159
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this except to get it off my chest. I think I'm having a spiritual crisis. I have been friends with a man around my age (I'm 56 and he's 60). We were a failed date--meaning I liked him really well but no chemistry. I told him that the next day after the date and he seemed fine with that.

So we hang out and go places together but no physical stuff. One day he decided to share with me that when he first met me he did not find me very attractive at all but as he got to know me he began to find me pretty. At first I took it well but it began to eat at me. At first I just figured that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm already aware that some people are very attracted to me but most are not and nothing has changed. But it's eating away at me and partly because I've hit menopause and know that whatever looks I had are fading fast and I'm still holding out hope for meeting the love of my love b/c I've never had one even though I was married once. So many women my age and older are single for the rest of their lives and I do not want that for myself. So I guess I'm insecure, but I wasn't really before he said that. Mostly I know this man is an idiot for saying this but it comes back to haunt me every time someone doesn't reply to a message on a dating site or a budding relationship fails or any little setback. What the heck is wrong with me? Is this normal? (The friendship with the man is starting to unravel but I'm not too heartbroken about that--I keep telling myself there's a reason he's been married and divorced 5 times!) So I know this is stupid but don't know how to get out of it.
Older women are just boring old maids who never have relationships past 40? That's a stereotype from decades ago.

If you view yourself a certain way, I think it can become your destiny, though.

If you're not going to miss the friendship with this man, and you don't feel the same way towards him as he feels towards you, don't worry about it.

But don't be so surprised that you've met someone who's interested in you despite your age. He won't be the last.
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Old 10-15-2015, 10:07 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,070,776 times
Reputation: 14470
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
So, it's OK for you not to find him attractive and to let him know that, but not OK for him to do the same.

Double standard, it seems to me.
Where did I say that I find him unattractive and told him so? He actually is quite overweight but I never told him so. I said there is no chemistry and that does not mean the same thing and when I told him that, he said he didn't feel chemistry either.

Actually he said something really awful to me tonight--told me that I need a complete makeover if I want to have any hope of dating. This is so unbelievable as I write it--someone will call me a troll! Unbelievable I mean that someone would think it's okay to say this to a "friend." He said I need a complete overhaul--get rid of the glasses, get a whole new hairstyle, a new wardrobe, etc. That last really hurt as I take pains over my clothes and work hard to get just the right look but he said I need to dress hotter. Mmm hmm. Maybe I need new friends!
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Old 10-15-2015, 10:19 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,061 posts, read 18,070,776 times
Reputation: 14470
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ottawa2011 View Post
Older women are just boring old maids who never have relationships past 40? That's a stereotype from decades ago.

If you view yourself a certain way, I think it can become your destiny, though.

If you're not going to miss the friendship with this man, and you don't feel the same way towards him as he feels towards you, don't worry about it.

But don't be so surprised that you've met someone who's interested in you despite your age. He won't be the last.
Why would I care about the interest of someone who obviously thinks I'm unattractive? That wouldn't make sense in my world.

I'm not saying that older women are unattractive--what I'm saying is that women who are going thru menopause go thru a mourning period for their lost youth and perceived loss of beauty. Our bodies are changing--those who never had a pot belly grow one, and those who already had one get a bigger one. Our hair falls out--I've lost a considerable amount of hair and I didn't have a lot to begin with. It's a crisis time for those who ever cared at all about their looks and that's probably most of us. It's not a good time for some bozo to go spouting off about how we need to get with the program and fix ourselves up to look younger.

I do know some very attractive women who're older but I can't help notice how many women spend their old age alone. I've spent my entire life alone and I'm tired of it--spent half my life in a false marriage. Trouble is I've gotten really picky--the irony of dating is we get picky as we get older and can less afford to be. I will not miss this man's friendship--maybe the better parts of it, but things are wearing thin.
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