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Old 10-24-2015, 03:02 AM
 
1 posts, read 852 times
Reputation: 10

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I should preface this with the fact that I would never self-diagnose via the internet, and this is just me putting feelers out into the web to see if anyone knows what my issue might be, if there is one.

The nature of my problem is ambiguous; it may have emerged during adolescence, or that's merely when I began to notice it was no longer able to disguise is under the mantle of my other childhood antics.

During my youth (age 10 and 13) I experienced — or maybe instigated, I'm not entirely sure anymore — two separate sexual encounters with two youths younger than myself (age 9 and 11 respectively, corresponding with the ages above). I was stabbed by the nine-year-old in her home, as we'd been having a sleepover, but twisted everything around as a failed attempt to call home.

I didn't drink until I turned 21, I've never done drugs unless you count smoking pot once or twice socially, and have never simultaneously dated and slept with anyone... Which might need clarification, I suppose. All of my high school relationships were platonic, full of hand-holding and chaste kisses, but since then I've had purely sexual one-night-stands with none of the fluff.

Until recently I was unemployed, but now I'm a cashier working 20 hours a week and it's... grating. As a child I remember my mother telling me to have a glass of water when I was hungry and dinner was hours away, and that's what my daily life feels like. I play violent video games, watch bloody crime dramas, and daydream about bludgeoning strangers, but it just leaves the dull ache that comes from unfulfilled desires.

I've read a number of books on various personality disorders but nothing seems to fit, exactly. While I'm emotionally shallow, I care for my sole caregiver, and would like to think I'd react negatively if anything were ever to happen to them. Social interaction is difficult for me, even though I understand social nuances, but given that I don't drink or have any considerable hobbies everything feels akimbo when I try.

Following the initial incident, I entered therapy. Since then I've seen a number of psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, you name it. The diagnoses were many... ADHD, depression, major depression, social anxiety, OCD, bipolar and BPD being the ones I can remember, but I don't actually have any of these things.

For reasons I won't go into, I fabricated (lied, manufactured false symptoms) a number of these diagnoses. The fact is, I don't feel ill, but after explaining everything I've highlighted throughout this post to my last psychiatrist, he no longer felt able to trust me at my word, and I don't blame him for that. My most recent one wanted to attempt treating for depression, but a visit to the doctor ruled that out.

I'm a talented liar, schemer, and manipulator, but traditionally non-violent, less because of a lack of desire and more to maintain the status quo. I was arrested once for trashing my apartment and throwing objects at another person, but the record was expunged, I've harmed pets, played with fire, and stolen money, but none of those things are what I feel I need.

These past few weeks I've felt wound up, almost anticipatory, and decided to post here on the off chance someone knows what might be wrong with me.

My question for you is whether this rings any bells for anyone, and if so, what it might be and whether there's a treatment available for it or not.
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Old 10-24-2015, 03:49 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
17,640 posts, read 5,914,106 times
Reputation: 55045
Devoing1948, I'm sorry if this sounds uncaring or dismissive, but no one here should attempt to diagnose what's wrong with you or speculate on what treatment, if any, would be helpful. We are complete strangers who don't know you and have never met you. We're not qualified to make an assessment or offer advice. It would be irresponsible to do so.

My suggestion to you is to print out the message you posted here and show it to your most recent therapist. And from now on, be completely honest with trained mental health professionals, who are the only ones qualified to diagnose and treat you. Being real about who you are is the only way you will get any real help. The lies, manipulations and fabrications you have used in the past as a defense mechanism have accomplished nothing and have only hurt you. Otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

Good luck to you.
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Old 10-24-2015, 05:26 AM
 
3,431 posts, read 3,357,874 times
Reputation: 4159
You seem to want to be a psychopath, or at least, you're writing a lot of leading suggestions that draw me to the impression that you want readers to come to that conclusion. I don't believe that you are, however. I mainly see a desire to manipulate other people and a longterm craving to be the centre of attention, and there are many emotional problems that would develop into that type of behaviour.

Again, no one can diagnose you on the internet, but if you're seeking random "impressions" based on a short post on the Internet, that's all I can come up with... maybe BPD, HPD, maybe another personality disorder? A touch of "Asperger's" or some form of mild autism?

You'd have to be willing to see a psychiatrist and not malinger if you were to get a proper diagnosis and attempt treatment. If you're not interested in treatment, then that's your decision, and you're free to make that choice.
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Old 10-27-2015, 07:26 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 6,069,900 times
Reputation: 11945
God, talking yourself into psychopathy isn't the New Thing is it?
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Old 11-01-2015, 10:03 AM
 
10,194 posts, read 7,662,203 times
Reputation: 24015
Many people with personality disorders don't think they are ill.
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Old 11-05-2015, 07:23 AM
 
Location: PANAMA
1,424 posts, read 1,150,795 times
Reputation: 1156
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
Many people with personality disorders don't think they are ill.
Many people with BD and BPD also don't think they have a problem. I have heard my fair share of "I'm fine" or "I'm alright" and witnessing the depression right in front of me, with slurring words.

OP, look for help...REAL help.
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Old 11-05-2015, 09:42 AM
 
10,194 posts, read 7,662,203 times
Reputation: 24015
Quote:
Originally Posted by skywalker2014 View Post
Many people with BD and BPD also don't think they have a problem. I have heard my fair share of "I'm fine" or "I'm alright" and witnessing the depression right in front of me, with slurring words.

OP, look for help...REAL help.
Even some paranoid schizophrenics think they are totally fine! It's important to have outside views on what is going on.
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Old 11-06-2015, 04:00 PM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
8,435 posts, read 9,015,482 times
Reputation: 1701
When I was young I knew a kid just like you. By chance did you stab a butter knife into a salamander? I figured he grew up to be a serial killer. Good for you that you can resist the urges.
(is this a troll or what?)
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Old 11-06-2015, 08:09 PM
 
137 posts, read 114,410 times
Reputation: 242
ASPD?
Quote:
Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)

does your loved one have a childhood diagnosis of conduct disorder?
Do you believe your loved one when they compliment you, or does it seem superficial and manipulative?
Is your loved one reckless and impulsive? Does it seem as they have no self control? Do they have recurring difficulties with the law because of this?

Antisocial personality disorder is a serious mental health condition which affects an estimated 1-4% of the population (see statistics). Uk statistics indicate that over 90% of aspd diagnoses are given to men.

People with aspd can appear to others as if they just don’t care about anybody or anything but themselves. They are frequently distrustful of authority figures and often find themselves in trouble with the law.

Aspd characteristics & traits

acting out - acting out behavior refers to a subset of personality disorder traits that are more outwardly-destructive than self-destructive.
anger - people who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.
baiting - a provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual.
belittling, condescending and patronizing - this kind of speech is a passive-aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of reasonableness or friendliness.
blaming - the practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.
bullying - any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.
chaos manufacture - unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess.
cheating - sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.
chronic broken promises - repeatedly making and then breaking commitments and promises is a common trait among people who suffer from personality disorders.
cruelty to animals - acts of cruelty to animals have been statistically discovered to occur more often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.
denial - believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory does not exist or did not happen.
depression - people who suffer from personality disorders are often also diagnosed with symptoms of depression.
domestic theft - consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.
emotional abuse - any pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of fear, obligation or guilt (fog).
false accusations - patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.
favoritism - favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.
fear of abandonment - an irrational belief that one is imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded or replaced.
feelings of emptiness - an acute, chronic sense that daily life has little worth or significance, leading to an impulsive appetite for strong physical sensations and dramatic relationship experiences.
grooming - grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.
harassment - any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual towards another.
impulsiveness - the tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.
intimidation - any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.
invalidation - the creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.
lack of boundaries - a lack of boundaries is often at the root of long-term abusive relationships. Lack of boundaries means the absence of rules, limits and guidelines for acceptable behavior. Inconsistent or intermittent reinforcement of consequences for inappropriate behavior is common among both abusers and abuse victims.
lack of conscience - individuals who suffer from personality disorders are often preoccupied with their own agendas, sometimes to the exclusion of the needs and concerns of others. This is sometimes interpreted by others as a lack of moral conscience.
low self-esteem - a common name for a negatively-distorted self-view which is inconsistent with reality.
manipulation - the practice of steering an individual into a desired behavior for the purpose of achieving a hidden personal goal.
mood swings - unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily explained by changes in external circumstances.
name-calling - use of profane, derogatory or dehumanizing terminology to describe another individual or group.
narcissism - a set of behaviors characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, self-centered focus, need for admiration, self-serving attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration for others.
neglect - a passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a dependent are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.
normalizing - normalizing is a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive, coercive or inappropriate behaviors. In essence, normalizing is the manipulation of another human being to get them to agree to, or accept something that is in conflict with the law, social norms or their own basic code of behavior.
"not my fault" syndrome - the practice of avoiding personal responsibility for one's own words and actions.
objectification - the practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.
pathological lying - persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests and needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.
physical abuse - any form of voluntary behavior by one individual which inflicts pain, disease or discomfort on another, or deprives them of necessary health, nutrition and comfort.
proxy recruitment - a way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing “doing the dirty work”
push-pull - a chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.
raging, violence and impulsive aggression - explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal boundaries.
ranking and comparing - drawing unnecessary and inappropriate comparisons between individuals or groups.
sabotage - the spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.
scapegoating - singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame.
self-loathing - an extreme hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.
sexual objectification - viewing another individual in terms of their sexual usefulness or attractiveness rather than pursuing or engaging in a quality interpersonal relationship with them.
shaming - the difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.
splitting - the practice of regarding people and situations as either completely "good" or completely "bad".
stalking - any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.
targeted humor, mocking and sarcasm - any sustained pattern of joking, sarcasm or mockery which is designed to reduce another individual’s reputation in their own eyes or in the eyes of others.
testing - repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship.
threats - inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences.
triangulation - gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.
verbal abuse - any kind of repeated pattern of inappropriate, derogatory or threatening speech directed at one individual by another.

a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
  1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
  2. deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
  3. impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
  4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
  5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others
  6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain steady work or honor financial obligations
  7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
the manual lists the following additional necessary criteria:
  1. the individual is at least 18 years of age.
  2. there is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
  3. the occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.
unlike the other personality disorders, people with antisocial personality disorder are somewhat easier to spot than those with other personality disorders, because their behaviors often get them in trouble with institutions and individuals outside of the family.
An estimated 80% of the prison population is believed to meet the criteria for aspd. Aspd is also associated with a high rate of substance abuse.
Where's your daddy?
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Old 11-11-2015, 11:08 AM
 
94 posts, read 63,587 times
Reputation: 168
I don't know what all this "triggering" business I've been hearing a lot of lately means

But to Devoing1948,
You sound bored
You don't value people (neither do I) but you uphold basic societal pleasantries just to avoid the problems

Nothing is wrong with you until you act out against society
I don't know what it will take you to get you to that point, but I see it as being possible

Just a heads up
And like I said there's "nothing really wrong"

Good luck and have fun in your life
Try to avoid problems unless you've got a million or so people/activists on your side
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