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Old 11-28-2015, 07:36 AM
4 posts, read 2,877 times
Reputation: 14


And feeling crazy.
We got white people running up in public places and killing everyone for no reason. Same time we got black people marching and for really no reason too. Every time I turn on the tv it's just terrorism and death, and lies and manipulation and bullcrap.

It's got me stressed. To add to everything I work a full time job but I never have any money. It's rare I eat more than once a day cause the courts take all my money. I was charged for a violent crime I didn't commit about 6 months ago, I took a plea bargain which gave me minimal jail time but I have to pay them thousands of dollars for various reasons (classes, lawyers, court costs, etc.) I took the plea cause at first they were trying to give me life, than overwhelming evidence came out that Someone else did it but they were still wanting to take me to trial, I took the plea cause I was homeless at the time due to catching the charge and just wanted to move on with my life. When I caught this charge my girlfriend who I loved and wanted to marry left me.
My roommates I live with right now are filthy disrespectful children in adults bodies, and the place we live is terrible.
My job has me on corrective action so I'm probably getting fired soon. I don't have a car or friends or family so I have to walk everywhere in the cold I live in the Midwest and don't own gloves, I want some but right now I literally do not have even one dollar to my name. I got about 15 cents in pennies.

It's really getting to me man. I'm 25 and I've been dirt poor barely surviving and suffering for about 25 years. My whole life all I've known is hunger, poverty, violence, abuse, death, incarceration, and abandonment. I have nothing and no one. I thought if you worked hard and made right choices things would work out. I've had a full time job sense I was 14. I dropped out at 16 to work 2 full time jobs to support my family. I've never stopped trying but things just keep getting worse.

I am so alone and for the first time in my life not optimistic about the future. Lately I've been teetering between feelings of extreme rage followed by soul crushing depression where i can't do anything but lay face first on the ground in my room alone crying. Suicide is something that is on my mind 24/7. It sounds so sweet, just amazing to end all this suffering. I wish I could have a girlfriend, I just want someone to hold and love, I think that would help me, this anger and hatred I feel towards society and the world is killing me, my chest hurts often, but I have 2 pairs of clothes, no car, and no money. If it weren't for being charged with this BS I would have a nice car and apartment right now. No woman wants me. I'm poor, insane, and have no support system. I have so many mental and emotional scars from my past my childhood and adolescence still haunts me I relive the traumatic events often, certain situations terrify me, for instance I get the shakes when I sit in the back seat of a car or in the front if someone is in the back, I freak out., I can't sleep hardly ever, the nightmares are frightening, intense, and just won't go away unless I drink till I black out. I'm paranoid I know people are out to kill me. They will never take me I will kill them than myself if they come for me like I know there plotting.

I'm not a criminal but this financial burden I've been put under has me contemplating doing and armed robbery just so I can survive and not have to live on the streets. Ironically that's what I was charged with and sent to jail for that I was innocent of that has me in this financial mess.

I kinda miss jail btw. I met a lot of people there. I feel disconnected from the world but in there I always fit in, and I ALWAYS get to eat three times a day, and have a mattress and free books. Lots of cool people I can relate to in jail. Most of those guys are from the ghetto like me, and my dad's doing life so maybe I belong there. I've been thinking maybe I can move where he's incarcerated at and Rob somebody, if I don't get caught I could use that money to go college and buy a car and live a better life but if I do get caught maybe I can stay with him in there, even be cellmates, that would be real cool. I would only miss women but it's not like I could have one anyway. I really do miss jail bad, I heard prison is even better, they got better food and I can go to college in there. I don't have the time or resources out her for that. I'm at that point where i just don't care anymore. I would like to go to prison and go to college in there, or just kill myself I don't know why I am here anymore. I hate living so much.

Last edited by Independent_Thought; 11-28-2015 at 07:55 AM..
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Old 11-28-2015, 10:03 AM
10,194 posts, read 7,663,789 times
Reputation: 24015
Wow, I am sorry you are in such a bad place right now. I don't think prison or death is the answers you hope it would be. Can you reach out and see if there is mental health services for free in your area?
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Old 11-28-2015, 07:36 PM
Location: I'm out searching for me... If you see me, let me know... ;--)
3,551 posts, read 1,998,137 times
Reputation: 8070
I'm sorry you're facing so much. I am alone (long time!) and broke! You are strong or you would not have made it this far. And you still are facing a battle that you have to be stronger still. That is hard, I know. There are things that you can do to help you.

1. Stop hoping for the quick fix. That is what your robbery idea is. And yes, jail provides everything except a future of hope.
What you give up is too great- freedom, self-respect. Personal space from which to come AND go as YOU wish.

2. Look for/ focus on positive things. You say you have a job for now. Can you talk to them to keep from losing the job? The energy you use on the negative things, emotions has to come from somewhere. It can drain you more you focus on it. Acknowledge the hard issues but don't dwell on them- meaning don't beat youself up over neg things! It just hurts you. Think of positive outcomes you want and how you would accomplish them.

3. You are alive. You can find good things here and now. Fresh air is free. Get out, smile say hello to people. Could make you feel better. FREE books at the library. Look up people you admire. Look up education info- look at comm. colleges, which are cheaper.

MOST of all- start believing in yourself. You navigated the legal system. You have a roof over your head ( I don't but I will soon! ). Believing in you is one of the hardest things, esp when life knocks us down. Have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find the next positive thing you can.

I wish you the best. I say I am on my way to happiness- not quite there but on my way.
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Old 11-29-2015, 07:18 PM
4 posts, read 2,877 times
Reputation: 14
Thank you guys for the kind words it means a lot that Someone cares and can relate even if I can't see you. You guys are right, I do have a job and place to sleep and I am still living. I also know if I lose my job I can get another one easy. But like you said wildflower it has been a long hard journey. I know things will get better one day if I keep working hard and stay positive but like you said for you it's such a long hard journey, and really the hardest part is being so alone, and the journey being so long. I've been poor and lived in the ghetto almost my entire life. I know people have it worse I even know some people who do but it's so hard.
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Old 11-29-2015, 08:58 PM
Location: I'm out searching for me... If you see me, let me know... ;--)
3,551 posts, read 1,998,137 times
Reputation: 8070
You are right- long hard journey. What we need better connections to help us. There is a book I am going to check out of the library: The loneliness Cure: 6 stratgies to make real connections.

There are ways to move beyond our present circumstance! Start today with the belief we can learn new skills to move us forward,

BTW, I had a great interview at my fav grocery store! Things will improve!

Last edited by Wild Flower; 11-29-2015 at 09:17 PM..
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Old 12-01-2015, 09:20 AM
Location: US and A
31 posts, read 30,914 times
Reputation: 85
Hey Bud

I'm sorry to hear about all these struggles you are going through. But, like others have said, you obviously are a strong person if you have made it this far.

The fact that you have a job is awesome. Please do what you can to keep it. Applying for new jobs is hard, but even harder with a criminal history.

As for the loneliness, perhaps you should go to church/mosque/temple. It is a great way to meet people, be around positive people, make connections, and get motivation. If that's not your thing, why not be more social at work?

Jail isn't a good option. Neither is suicide. I know drinking helps but you mention extreme rage/depression. I've felt these things before and to be quite frank, drinking magnifies these feelings. I stopped drinking and it basically stabilized my mood. No more roller coasters.
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Old 12-03-2015, 09:05 PM
Location: OHIO
2,511 posts, read 1,300,738 times
Reputation: 5797
I;m so sorry you have had such a trying life. I feel bad complaining about my life earlier when you have gone through and survived this! You are obviously very strong, one would have to be.
You have a job, so keep at it. Work you ass off, do extra, volunteer for anything that comes your way. Prove yourself. Keeping this job will make it so maybe someday you can find an even better one.
Believe in yourself. Believe you are a good, strong and smart person. Don't give up, keep your chin up.
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Old 12-03-2015, 09:24 PM
Location: TOVCCA
8,452 posts, read 12,283,162 times
Reputation: 12390
Stop watching the news.
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Old 12-08-2015, 07:04 AM
11,176 posts, read 10,055,463 times
Reputation: 17162
Originally Posted by nightlysparrow View Post
Stop watching the news.
^This! Albeit it is important to keep up on current events, watching the news on tv is nothing more than hours of doom and gloom. Once in a while they may talk of a happy event, but even that is overshadowed by the next negative news item.
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Old 12-14-2015, 10:06 PM
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
2,766 posts, read 2,408,331 times
Reputation: 2347
I can't say I can relate to your situation but perhaps instead of seeking connections by returning to prison, there might be people and groups on the outside you can connect with and support each other?

But beyond that, there are several ways I deal with loneliness that may help:

Considering that it usually takes some kind of interaction with others to either get in trouble or be dissatisfied, being friendless, if you can overcome certain attachments, is an inherently tranquil and stable state.

Try to focus on the simple pleasures that you can already obtain with little effort.

Don't try to run from solitude. Seek it out as a way to practice being at peace with yourself. Some people want the kind of solitude available to you and can't get it because they have so many relationship commitments.

Also notice the source of your current dissatisfaction is coming from your striving for relationship with others. So others are already failing you and making you unhappy and you haven't even established a direct connection to them.

Keep that in mind when you think your solitude is becoming unbearable.

You don't need someone to be happy. You need someone to be unhappy.
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