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Not really sure what I'm looking for here, but maybe hearing some advice from people who have experienced the same feelings could help?
Firstly, I'm a gay male who's 17 and in high school and I have a nice group of great friends. I love them dearly and I know we would do anything for each other. I do not feel lonely or isolated in any way.
However, I struggle immensely with my low self esteem, which I believe is created by the opinion I have on my physical appearance.
I spend too much time trying to perfect my appearance everyday when I get ready. Sometimes I will fix my hair, then redo it, then even redo it for a 3rd time (keep in mind it usually looks exactly the same every time). I will spend up to half an hour selecting an outfit for the day, where sometimes I'll pull out 4 or 5 different combinations. I whiten my teeth every chance I get, I use the shampoo that makes your hair blonder, I use make up to cover up any redness or blemishes that catch my eye. I shave and I pluck every hair that I find unacceptable.
And while I know going through this entire routine may sound narcissistic or it may seem completely normal to some, it's simply the truth and I think I'm border line obsessive. Every chance I get I will examine myself in the mirror and try to find anything that's out of place. I feel like this is my reaction to the lack of confidence I have when I'm out in public. I have trouble making eye contact with people or starting conversations, and I especially have a hard time talking to anyone new. I feel as if everyone's eyes are always on me, judging. Even though I know that is an irrational fear because I know I couldn't possibly be the center of attention when I'm just another guy walking through the hallway.
My friends (and family) tell me I'm attractive and that I have nothing to worry about (to a certain extent I believe them), but I continue to always worry. I can't stop thinking about how bad my skin looks or that my hair is too short or my pants don't fit perfectly.
And it sounds extremely sophomoric, but whenever I see an attractive guy I simply shut down. I don't know what to do and I never make the first move when it comes to that stuff because I tell myself that he's so out of my league and I feel like I miss a lot of opportunities because of that. And even when I do end up talking to a guy I have a really hard time believing he's actually attracted to me which means I end up lacking confidence which usually turns guys off...
Anyway, sorry about the rambling, but if anyone could help me with finding ways to build confidence/control my compulsive behaviors whether it's personal experience having dealt with similar feelings or if it's just suggestions/opinions I would really appreciate it.
get rid of all your mirrors and stay away from others.
Ask yourself why you don't think you're good enough without all the primping.
Maybe you need to be happy for who you are...not what you think everyone else expects or desires
It's crazy cliche...but you gotta learn to respect yourself, and when you do....you won't have no problems interacting with others because you'll know they're with something good....you!
Think highly of yourself....it's not the clothes that make you...it's not the perfection of your looks...
It's the character inside.
Some people don't make the first move. Nothing wrong with that.
Some people like to look as attractive as they can at all times. Nothing wrong with that.
Having said that,
Smile a lot when others are around. People are drawn to it.
Don't overwork the grooming. Looking over-done will draw attention you don't want.
Last edited by nightlysparrow; 12-27-2015 at 11:31 PM..
Therapy can help with obsessive behaviors...and it sounds like that's what you have. Ask your parents to take you to someone...or talk to the school counselor.....the 1st step is acknowledging the problem...
Read about "dysmorphia" or "body dysmorphic disorder" and if you feel like this is what's going on with you, talk to a counselor at school about getting some help for it.
Body dysmorphic disorder is pretty common, and it seems to be related in some way to OCD, but the obsessions and compulsions are all around perceived defects in one's appearance. In extreme cases, people with BDD get "addicted" to plastic surgery, but they are never satisfied because the problem is not with their appearance, but in how they are perceiving it. The earlier you get help for this, the better, whether it's truly BDD or not.
A therapist can also help you with what to tell your friends, because they will likely think that reassuring you and giving you compliments will help you, but at best, it does nothing, and at worst, it can make it worse. similar to when a person with OCD engages in "checking"--they feel relieved for a minute, but then they get dependent on that reassurance and require more and more.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a type of counseling/therapy that has been most effective with a lot of anxiety-related problems, and the outcome for BDD can be very positive. Sometimes taking medication, at least temporarily, can help kick-start the therapy (there does seem to be a chemical component here), but the therapy is essential.
I would suggest get a regular outside exercise routine going (always with a friend or family member or two for safety's sake) whether it be daily running or walking or bicycling. Set some mileage goals and meet them and feel good about it.
Exercise besides being good for your physical health is very important for your mental health.
Also take up something satisfying as a hobby such as photography.
Your anxiety should not feel so overwhelming once you get an exercise regime in place because it gets rid of internalized stress in a healthy way.
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