Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My MIL is a hoarder. If you attempt to tidy any of her stuff or she thinks you're even going to touch it, she starts experiencing symptoms of physical illness. One time I noticed there were piles of dead bugs in the corners of her kitchen and I started to sweep them up, and she held her belly and started moaning and crying. I can't help her, I can't even tolerate her for a few hours. She sits in her mess pile across town and we don't visit her house.
Sometimes my husband has the tendency to hoard things too. For him it's generally books and magazines, which he never reads, movies and food. I've noticed that he's more likely to start accumulating things when he's feeling very stressed out. We used to move every couple years and he had to downsize his collections then. Now we don't move anymore. Last month I realized I couldn't get through his stacks of magazines to hang his laundry on his side of the closet. I told him he could either get rid of some of the magazines or start doing his own laundry, because he's using 75% of the bedroom closet, which is not a large closet at all and which I have to share with him. I told him I didn't sign up to live with a hoarder, and that he must have known it was something people didn't like because he was careful never to take me to his mother's house before we were married. He was pretty upset with me for calling him a hoarder and went around in a huff for a couple of days. Then he sorted and boxed the excess magazines and took them to work to share with his coworkers. I can step inside the closet again. In a couple of years, we will have the exact same discussion, the exact same sulk, and the exact same result.
Jambo, you can buy tall bookcases pretty cheap. Since you want to keep your wife, you might need to find a way to organize the books. Buy four of these: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays...olors/21997602, it's a little more than $100 all together, and they're easy to put together. Get one of your kids to help you build them if you're not up to it yourself. Make a bookcase wall for her in one room of the house, and start putting her books on the shelves. Tell her it's because you know the books are important to her, and she's important to you. You want her to be able to find all of her books when she needs them, and to make sure they don't get damaged by being left on the floor. Buy a couple of file boxes for the loose papers, and throw the trash away as you're organizing the books. If she complains, tell her you're doing it because you love her and you want to keep her belongings safe.
Then intervention is required. If the OPs adult kids have a good relationship with her, their help and support will be needed along with a therapist.
Unfortunately, pathological hoarding behavior (which this may or may not be) is highly resistant to intervention.
When you see the hoarder intervention TV shows, you'll see temporary improvements, but it ordinarily isn't a sustained thing. The behavior is a symptom of psychological distress, and very difficult to combat.
My mom was a hoarder. I understand it's terrible to deal with. I think you need to contact a therapist about her problem. Because with limited mobility, it is not a safe environment for you. Then have an intervention with you, the therapist, and your wife. At the house! She needs to be told this behavior is harming you by a professional person of authority. Chances are at this point she will cry, rant, rail, and eventually say just get rid of all of it. You need to have people standing by to do just that. Bring in a dumpster and get rid of all the 'stuff'.
Then give her one room where she can keep whatever. She needs to understand when that room is full, all piles of 'stuff' left in other areas will be thrown away. If she wants to keep it, she needs to store it in her room. Period. If it's out, it's trash.
If she is at all like my mom, in 6 weeks she will still be somewhat angry about it. But she won't miss the stuff either. I don't think these people can be cured. At best, you can manage the problem but it never goes away!
You deserve to live in a clean, safe, environment. You don't have to be a slave to her bad habits.
That looks like some form of mental illness. You need a clean, safe environment. Can you contact your local council on aging or your senior center and speak to someone about it. Is there a social service agency in your area that could help you deal with this problem?
You're probably not going to be able to get her to go to a therapist and she will resist any therapist coming to the house. Probably the council on aging has seen problems like this and might point you in the right direction.
Divorce? Where is she going to go? Does she have the resources to move out on her own? I don't know if you have children, but if they are aware of the state of your house, who would welcome her into their home? The piles will follow her like dirt devils follow Charlie Brown's Pigpen. Maybe she's told you that you will be the one to leave ... if so, she's intimidating and bullying you.
jambo, you are going to have to buck up and find your voice. I know it won't be easy – you certainly don't want more unpleasantness and arguing in your life, not to mention the fear of being left alone. But, as many others have said here, you are entitled to live peacefully in *your* clean, neat, and safe home. Do you have children that could/will help? I'm sure it would be embarrassing for you to out the situation and condition of the house to authorities, but maybe the local code or fire inspector needs to take a look. I'm with in_newengland – start with the local Council on Aging. I'm sure they *have* seen this before, and hopefully, will have a sensitive way of helping you to see your options and get the ball rolling. There *are* options – but you'll have to step out of your comfort zone to find them.
This is far from an isolated problem as we've seen with the multiple-season popularity of not one, but two hoarding shows. I'm sure it feels like you're alone with it right now, but you don't have to be. Please ask for assistance from someone who can truly help you.
Divorce? Where is she going to go? Does she have the resources to move out on her own? I don't know if you have children, but if they are aware of the state of your house, who would welcome her into their home? The piles will follow her like dirt devils follow Charlie Brown's Pigpen. Maybe she's told you that you will be the one to leave ... if so, she's intimidating and bullying you.
jambo, you are going to have to buck up and find your voice. I know it won't be easy – you certainly don't want more unpleasantness and arguing in your life, not to mention the fear of being left alone. But, as many others have said here, you are entitled to live peacefully in *your* clean, neat, and safe home. Do you have children that could/will help? I'm sure it would be embarrassing for you to out the situation and condition of the house to authorities, but maybe the local code or fire inspector needs to take a look. I'm with in_newengland – start with the local Council on Aging. I'm sure they *have* seen this before, and hopefully, will have a sensitive way of helping you to see your options and get the ball rolling. There *are* options – but you'll have to step out of your comfort zone to find them.
This is far from an isolated problem as we've seen with the multiple-season popularity of not one, but two hoarding shows. I'm sure it feels like you're alone with it right now, but you don't have to be. Please ask for assistance from someone who can truly help you.
She definitely has resources as she was left with a mega inheritance that she has stashed away in a secret bank account that i'm not privy to i guess 40 years of marriage didnt engender any trust when it comes to her money.
One of my kids moved out last summer the other moved out a few months ago,as far as they are concerned its not their problem any more, any suggestion of intervention will be met with an if you dont like it move attitude . its a scenario i'm giving some serious thought to,however at my age and physical condition its not something i look forward to as the complexity of untwining our lives is daunting.
looking at the room you posted I figure it would take me about half an hour (at most) to tidy it up....You've raised children...been together over 40 years...did she keep the house clean when the children were still home?
Did you help her with that when you were still mobile?
Could it be that she's just sick and tired of caring and cleaning up after others?
Maybe she's done enough of that and sees it as the never ending (usually unappreciated) job that it is.
Could you not have even just one room in the house that's cleaned to your standards?...where you would feel happy...maybe the kids could help with that?
You rely on her because of your mobility issues...you need her...maybe she needs you too, and your understanding.
Sounds to me like lack of communication between the two of you is what's your biggest problem.
When men retire from a workforce...how many women who work at home, doing all the repetitive cleaning, cooking and tending to others needs also get to retire.
Last edited by purehuman; 09-15-2016 at 07:27 AM..
That room was just one example of the whole house and the car. sure i could clean that room but then i'd catch hell for moving her stuff,I do as much as i can but i'm not to touch her stuff,over our years together its me who has done the lionshare of the household housekeeping all the cooking,all grocery shopping all the dishes,all the household banking and taking care of expenses etc.Wife takes care of the laundry.
When the kids were home they would keep their rooms in order and help with some of the cleanup, that room i posted was a younger daughters neat and tidy bedroom in mid June now its just a space the wife can fill with more of her junk.
Sorry i brought the whole topic up i just felt i needed to rant about a no win situation.
To keep the peace, would it be possible to let your wife have one room or floor? Like say the basement can hers to hoard as she sees fit but the kitchen and bathroom and front room need to always be clean and straight.
This has worked for two couples I know. Both get their way and they shut up about the other's habit...as long as it is in the designated area.
I'm sorry for you OP. I have compassion for your wife, she likely can't help it. (also for you too! sorry for you)
I've had to do this with the husband (he has an entire shed, unattached two-car garage & 4 room + bathroom basement all to himself) & although it is the best case scenario I am now having "overflow" issues. Take 1 item; an artificial Christmas tree:
Would NORMALLY store this item in the garage or basement. But I can't. So now I have a 7 ft Christmas tree in a Linen closet.
So now there are some linen closet items being stored in my bedroom closet.
So now my bedroom closet items are stored in shelves & a table that I now have to keep in my bedroom & now MY bedroom looks like a hoarder haven.
And thats just 1 item. The "overflow" just keeps getting worse.
I feel for you, OP; I really, really do. Additionally; it's hard on a marriage: I now "keep" my husband in the basement too.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
