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This is going to be very long, so I (really) appreciate anyone who reads this and leaves a comment. To fully understand this, I'll have to tell you a bit about me first. I especially welcome mental health professionals' opinions. (u know) is the f word; not sure if you can swear on here.
Let's call him Seagull. I'm from Hong Kong, and Seagull is an American citizen. Right now I'm 19, and he's 30.
Seagull and I met in September 2014 when we were both visiting Canada. I was 17 at the time so I wasn't sure about getting involved with an (much) older guy. But he seemed like a nice person and I felt like we were really beginning to get to know each other. We were always really honest with each other (about our past, about our everything). I also made sure (or at least I thought I did) he wasn't one of those creeps that prey on teenager/younger girls. We were in Edmonton at the time, and he even suggested we get an apartment together.
I've realized in the past two years that I am in an abusive relationship with my parents, and I think they suffer from NPD. I've always felt different in HK. I was born and raised in HK but I always find myself at odds with a lot of aspects in HK/Chinese culture. I can't really relate to or connect with the people here. I've been homeschooled since 10th grade (I study on my own). Seagull is the first guy I've opened up to and he knows everything about me. Then he said he was going back to Seattle to visit his brother for thanksgiving so he left Canada (he even asked me to come with him) He didn't give me his American number or his email or anything so I tried to find him on Facebook. But I was like, if he disappeared, then he disappeared, whatever. And in late November, I left Canada and went back to HK.
He must've seen my message on FB coz he got back to me and told me his car got totaled (and his Canadian phone was in there) and he barely used Facebook and that's why he just saw my message now. He said his old company had offered him a job, and he was going to go work in the Philippines. But he said he wanted to get back to my side of the world, so he said he would stop over in HK on his way to Manila. We emailed. We talked. We never defined what we were, but things were good between us and he treated like a girlfriend/partner or a potential girlfriend/partner. He did say he didn't know how his life was going to go because he wouldn't hear back from his grad school until spring of 2015, but he was like, I hope we can be in the same place soon, maybe we'll both give Canada another try.
In January 2015, he stopped over in HK on his way to Manila. We hung out. We talked. We had sex. I lost my virginity to him. Things were still good between us. He moved to Manila. We kept talking (via email and FB, he never gave me his number). We Skyped once. And in late-April, he kind of disappeared. After that we had a talk. He said, I've just been really busy and yeah I know we haven't talked about what we are yet. He said "We're literally just friends with benefits, right?". And I said, "No, I kind of thought we were more than that." And he was like, yeah I know, but I'm so busy right now I can't be a good partner for anyone. I told him I really liked him, and he was like "I do quite like you too. I've done FWB in the past, and I just find it tends to work out better that way". I've never been in a relationship, but I just thought what he said kind of made sense. I knew he had a lot of dating experience so I thought he knew what he was talking about. He gave me a bunch of other reasons why we couldn't have a relationship (For example: I would eventually go to college and I would change and want to date someone else. I shouldn't get involved with an older guy thousands of miles away. etc) He even encouraged me to date and other people. But he never said anything about himself; whether he was going to see other people. His grad school had waitlisted him. He said he didn't/couldn't do casual sex.
I noticed the difference right away, because he went from responding to my messages right away to not responding for 1 week or 10 days. And when we did talk, he always talked to me like a sex buddy and just didn't really sound like he cared. One time, I'd had enough of it so I told him what I felt. He was like, "I'm just really bad at maintaining friendship at a distance; I'm like that with everyone in my life." "I'm really careful not to hurt anyone with unfulfilled expectations." I was upset, but I was like, okay, we were just FWB, maybe I was expecting too much or he was really busy and stressed out and there's this distance between us; maybe that's why he's acting the way he is.
In October 2015, he told me he was coming to HK. I was happy to see him. I was on the pill at the time so he asked if we could have sex without a condom. He'd never said anything about wanting to see other people or that he had been seeing other people. I thought if he did, he would tell me. I'll admit, I assumed when he didn't tell me, he didn't. I thought when he said I could see other people, he meant he himself would remain exclusive to me, which is something the Seagull I met in Canada would say.
We met up. We talked. It was different than before, and I didn't exactly like it. He treated me like a sex buddy. I told him I hadn't been dating other people, but even when I brought the subject up, he didn't say anything. We had sex (without a condom). I didn't like it, coz it was just like two friends ing. It was meaningless sex. But I could tell he didn't have a problem with it. I finally (explicitly, directly) asked him if he had had sex with other people, he said yes, and only with one girl named X, though he had met and gone on dates with other girls.
I was upset, but I didn't say anything. I liked him, I cared for him, and he was like my only real friend. He knew about my parents and knew I had been working to try and get a scholarship to go to college; I'm from a working class family. He knew I don't feel belonged here and that I've been working hard to get out of Hong Kong.
We met up again in December, and things were better between us this time. We hung out, we talked. We had sex. We did anal (I let him; he never pressured me or anything). He kissed me goodbye when he left, and we kept talking. He would respond right away, and I know now that he wasn't seeing anyone at that time.
But in January 2016, I found out he had given me an STD. I told him about it and ever since then, he's just been different to me. I also found out he'd lied to me, because he didn't just have sex with one girl, but two girls (that's what he told me anyway). And he didn't tell me about the other girl because he had actually really liked her. I was mad at him. And in April, I asked if we could talk in person, so he flew here to talk to me. I freaked out about the fact that he had lied to me and given me an STD. He did seem kind of sorry but he never actually apologized for that. He was just like, "You're really into this". I asked if he was still seeing the girls, he was like no, because X seemed like she wanted something serious and she later got back with her ex, and the other girl (whom he liked and kept from me) wasn't interested anymore.
I went home and I thought about what he said. He told me he was thinking about leaving the Philippines and do something else with his life coz he was turning 30 soon. After he went back to Manila, I emailed him and asked him for a relationship or I'm out. I suggested we could go somewhere together coz I wasn't really optimistic about my college admission decisions and I was thinking about doing a gap year.
I didn't hear back from him so I kind of freaked out. After 6 weeks in May/June, he blocked me on FB and said he did that for family reasons, and disappeared again. And he finally got back to me and said the other girl (he kept from me) had actually gotten pregnant and had his baby. He said he didn't know she was pregnant coz she had kind of disappeared on him. He said he was going to move in with her and take care of their daughter and do the right thing. He told me we shouldn't talk anymore and I shouldn't contact him anymore because he has a GF and a newborn daughter. He told me all that in an email. So naturally, I asked him if he even ever liked me, and if he ever thought about a relationship with me, or if he loved his GF. But he was like, I can't answer that, I'm conflicted, I'm conflicted about a lot of people, I don't know what I was going for. I pushed him a bit, so he was like "I don't know why you're trying to seek validation from me." But he did give me an answer. He said we weren't a good match, that I was too caustic and cynical and toxic for him, that he likes positive and jolly people like his GF, but he did like me as a person. (He said she's the most positive and jolly person he's ever met in his life.)
I guess I just had a hard time digesting that, because when we first met (in Canada), I warned him that I am not a cheerful, jolly person and I'm messed up. But he assured me it wouldn't be a problem and that he "knew what [he] liked". I just found it ironic, but I tried to move on. Both my parents are emotionally and physically abusive to me, and my father used to abuse me sexually. They will always try to make up, and when I was younger, I thought they would change. But every time it just gets worse. Verbal abuse is just how they communicate with me. My relationship with my parents has been the worst these past two years, and when I met Seagull, I was thinking about saving money to move out of my parents' house. But HK is a very expensive place to live, and I would rather save the money for college so I still live with my parents.
I know my parents messed me up. And I always wondered if that's why I'm so upset about the "breakup", and if that is the reason I'm graduating high school late, because I don't know how to handle all the emotions and a relationship. I've been sort of depressed since 2014, but it never affected my life nor my ability to function. I fell into actual depression after the "breakup". I just had a hard time understanding it so I told him I had actually been feeling pretty bad; I couldn't focus on school and I was actually graduating high school late. He did get back to me and said he could sympathize and that he was also jerked around in college. We spent like half a day emailing. He said he would not have chosen what happened, and that an attraction to him could just be more purely physical and biological than anything else. He said he simply wanted to see "how it goes" and see how “sexually compatible” we were, and he said, it seemed like sex carried more meaning to me. (Now when I look back, I find it hard to believe he didn't already know that and that it was news/surprising to him)
I was still really upset. When he said we should be FWB, he wasn't like "I just want to see how it goes". He was more like, "under the circumstances, we can't have a relationship. But I would commit to you if the circumstances were different.". I thought that was what I agreed to. At home, things weren't good either. So I had a depression episode. I had a migraine that wouldn't go away for a month; painkillers didn't help. I tried to exercise every day, eat healthier, be more social, and do what I love. But nothing worked to distract me from thinking about it. I struggled to fall asleep every night. I emailed Seagull and told him how I felt, and asked if he could give me an explanation. And one night, I was feeling so bad and so tired all I wanted was fall asleep and never have to wake up, which was a feeling I had started to get quite frequently. I didn't want to get up every morning. I had to quit my part time job before of my condition. I didn't even want to get up and feed myself.
I was scared by the way I was feeling, and I didn't know what to do/think so I reached out to one of his friends in the Philippines. She's a doctor, and I knew Seagull and she were close. So I asked her if she could ask Easton to check his email because I was feeling really bad and I didn't know if I was going to be okay. 2 weeks later, after talking to her, he said he was done. He said I was a troubled teen and a creepy stalker with an unhealthy fixation on him. He asked me why her doctor friend was telling him she'd received disturbing messages from someone and was asking him to make it stop. He said I need professional help and that I was using my connection with him to avoid addressing my own issues in my life seriously. He asked me to seek professional help because I was threatening to commit suicide just because someone wasn't giving me the attention I wanted.
So I felt like a crazy person and I went and saw a psychiatrist and contacted a counselor/therapist I had been seeing. I did that out of my own money. In HK, they do a really bad job with mental health. If you go to a public hospital, the waitlist is 1 year for major depression. Private practice psychiatrists cost at least USD150-200 for a consultation. If you are not an enrolled student at a local school, you don't get free access to counselors/therapists. Anyways, part of me was like, what if he's right? What if I do have a problem and I just don't know it? My parents messed me up in so many other ways, how would I know (Even when I was feeling really bad, I never wanted to die; I know what my future holds for me, I want it and I want to start and live my own happy life. But I can't even concentrate on anything.) I told them the whole story. I also reached out to an old friend. They say Seagull is just turning it around on me and that he's a bad guy/manipulator ; they keep telling me that I'm not crazy and I'm not a troubled teen/creepy stalker but I just won't/can't actually believe it.
He has not taken back what he said. And after he called me a troubled teen I went and talked to my former counselor. At that time I wasn't sure I had done the right thing contacting his friends like that; I wasn't sure I had a right to do that. I didn't want to seem like I was playing the victim or a crazy ex. But my counselor said I did have the right. After considering the circumstances, which are: the way he treated me when we were FWB was not right, even for sex buddy standards, which made me very upset and hurt and affected my school performance. I always did very well in school; I didn't speak English before the age of 14, and I got a full scholarship to attend an international IB school in HK. I'm ambitious and capable, but now I can't even focus enough to read my favorite book. Finishing high school late means I have to live with my parents until I can get a scholarship and go. I can't work part time but I need the money. I have to take anti-depressants and anxiety medications (which are quite experience) but I don't have health insurance and my parents won't help me pay for them. Both my health and mental health are deteriorating. I had to get a surgery because of him. I don't have a real support system, nor access to mental health services, and I have no one to talk to this about. (My friend is my age, 1 year younger than me actually, and she doesn't really get what I'm going through.) Despite all that, I still doubt my own feelings and my own perception. So we both agreed that trying to reach out to his friends (and if they won't help, then family) is a good idea and probably the only thing I could do at the time.
The counselor brought up something I never thought of before -- the fact that he always had control over the relationship. What kind of contact he would give me, when he would talk to me/pay attention to me/come and (u know) me, when the relationship was over, and how he was going to end it. He had complete control over whether he would talk to me. He's a working adult with the power/ability/resources to travel around and he could just come to HK whenever he wanted (whenever it was convenient for him) and (u know) me. He never included me in his life and no one in his life knew I existed. It was very easy for him to just cut me out of his life and "get rid of me". I was his dirty little secret. These are the kind of things you see in abusive relationships.
Since then I've told a few people in my life about this. And they all think I was a 17-year-old student trying to change my life and he took advantage of me. He lied about his intentions and has made me feel like it's all my fault or somehow I screwed it up. They think he doesn't care, and I'm probably not the first teenager he's(u know) with, and he is a child predator etc. And he probably is loving how I hurt/miserable I am and how I still want him.
For the past 8 months, I have been making excuses for him and trying to explain it all away. I still like him and I don't want to think of him as a bad guy. I've been telling myself maybe he's just under a lot of stress/anxiety, and he's only human and not perfect, especially if he really did suddenly become a father. But he has not taken back what he said. And even when we "broke up", he didn't even make sure I was ok, even as a friend. I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this, definitely not an objective adult. I've reached out to his close friends and his brother and explained why I wanted to talk to them. But they've either ignored me or blocked me. It’s just hard, because no one seems to take this/me seriously or even believe me. Which only seems to make this worse. I know it can be an uncomfortable subject, and surprising, especially to people that know him, but I don't think this is like, not a big deal?
His brother was really nice about it and stuff at first, though he was kind of like "Some of it sounds surprising to me (not like Seagull). I'm sorry you had to go through this. It must feel really bad. But you'll go on and do many great things in life and this will all become a distant memory" But once I started to tell him the way Seagull treated me and how this relationship has affected me; my life, my future, my health etc, he said he didn't believe my "interpretation" of the story anymore. Even though he said he hasn't talked to Seagull about it at all. And now he's blocked me as well, said I was stalking him, and says he doesn't want to discuss it further, and that I had been given bad advice or met a fake counselor/therapist. Even though I'd told him he might have a baby niece.
If they had actually talked to him and looked at everything objectively and said that, that wouldn't feel so bad. My intention was never to try and ruin his reputation or broadcast to the world what he did to me. I didn't get in touch with them so they would think he's a bad guy and yell at him for me, or use them to connect back with Seagull in any way. I know they don't know me, and I'm just a stranger, who knows if I'm telling the truth or I'm just a crazy, disturbed person? But it's difficult for me to try and be careful with my wording (but I still do) or what I say because it might "disturb them" when I'm going through all this and dealing with the real consequences of his actions. I know some people just want to think their family/friends are perfect (or at least not what I've described).
I certainly didn't expect them to react that way, and it has only deteriorated my mental health. I'm sure if they had been a little more supportive or sympathetic, I wouldn't have fallen into such deep depression, which is one reason I tried to reach out to people in the first place. So I told them how I felt, and explained why I was contacting them (and really, sort of had to). But they've either ignored me or blocked me.My former counselor actually said I could talk to another therapist and a lawyer about it when I first told him what was happening. I thought it was a ridiculous idea and that he was just too extreme/conservative (coz I was underage?). I really liked Seagull, and as it's clear I didn't want to think of him as a bad guy because he wasn't a bad guy (we really got to know each other, unless he's that good of a liar.). But there's nothing I can do to make this better for myself (especially financially and in terms of the time I'm losing). I've done everything in my power and tried everything (and failed) to get better. I don't think I know him anymore. I can't seem to confirm the things he's told me. I mean, I can no longer say for sure I'm the only teenagers he's (u know), or that he really is telling the truth and didn't just make up a story to get rid of me. But I do not want to do that at all; it's been bad enough. And it does seem kind of extreme to me. I certainly know how it would look on me. I don't know what to do. He said it was my choice whether to take any legal actions, but I would be the one that has to look back and see if I can say I’m proud of the decisions I made, which only freaks me out more. Is that bad advice?
I feel like I'm crazy. Am I just a disturbed person? A stalker? Troubled teenager?
People have told me they are sorry I had to go through all of that; you've got a lot to deal with, and it's not fair, and I'm so young and ambitious, I have a whole future ahead of me, I shouldn't let a stupid guy ruin me and my life. And I should focus on working on myself and for me. I know that. I really do. I know that's not what relationships are like and when I do meet someone that loves me and cares for me, it will be great. I know that. But hearing that doesn't seem to help? I have real problems at hand (Money to pay for the medications; I'm actually due a follow-up with my doctor but I don't have the money to go. Having to live with my parents and see them/deal with them every day. Being stuck in a country and culture I don't belong in, which has always been something that stresses me a lot. Completing my HS courses and college admissions etc.) I already had a lot to deal with before I met him, and now this.
I really liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. And I'm not naive enough to think he loved me or wanted him to love me. I know that.
I have been trying to take care of myself. Exercising every day (in outdoor). Eating healthier. Read more. Been trying to learn Spanish. I've done all that. For the past 3 months I've been trying to find a counselor/specialist/therapist that will be willing to see me for free. But they've all said no. The community counselling services (lots of them are not free) that do exist don't target what I'm going through. Some people would tell me to go to church, but I'm an atheist.
I've tried so hard, I'm exhausted. The pills don't help much, but I need them because they keep me from wanting to hurt myself. I don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm stuck. I'm where I was in life 3/4 years ago, when I'm supposed to be in college having the best time of my life. I've solved every single other problem/crisis in my life, but this time I can't. I do think I need help, but as you can see it looks like I'm not going to get any.
you are a lost person who is driving themselves slowly crazy by not allowing themselves to let go..but, I wouldn't say you're a full blow nutter.
Seeking help is important if you feel you have issues too complicated for yourself to work through, but remember surrounding yourself with problems will never allow you to actually move away from them.
You need to let him go and focus on you. That's the only way you're going to be able to heal. Your relationship with him was unhealthy from the start, because neither of you were ever on the same page, and it just went downhill from there. I don't think you're crazy, however, you're going to drive yourself around the bend, if you can't let go and move forward with your life.
What if I have tried to let go? I have been trying to let go ever since he dumped me. But I can't because every day, when I have to worry about how I'm going to pay for my pills, or dealing with the abuse at home, I'm reminded why I'm in this situation in the first place. They are real problems that need to be solved, and I have not been able to solve them. My life will not change unless I can somehow pay for therapy and my meds so I can feel better and do what I have to do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gretchen963
You need to let him go and focus on you. That's the only way you're going to be able to heal. Your relationship with him was unhealthy from the start, because neither of you were ever on the same page, and it just went downhill from there. I don't think you're crazy, however, you're going to drive yourself around the bend, if you can't let go and move forward with your life.
I have talked to them (in person). They say there's nothing they can do. The system is just like that. You can google mental health services in HK and get an idea yourself. You don't have money? Good luck. You're on your own. Unless you have a gambling problem, then you can get free therapy.
It will get better, you need to move on in your life- allow other things in it, go through the motions and the pain will slowly dull and fade.
Get a part time job- go do tai chi at a park (there must be groups you can join- my friend in her 30s joined a club in chinatown in SF where I used to live, and had a blast)- get out of your place and go do different things- make a daily schedule and keep to it. Even if its 20 mins of yoga in the am after your morning coffee or tea.
You will meet other people. Be open to what the universe gives you- there is a lot out there- I know it doesn't feel that way now, but you can get to it.
(I have been where you are- that was NOT a good relationship, but he did tell you he wasn't relationship material-- you deserve a good one, but work on yourself first!)...
When did he tell me he wasn't relationship material? You mean when he said "I'm like that with anyone in my life?" That was obviously an excuse. When he was saying that, he was dating and having sex with other girls. And I'm pretty sure he was talking to them (phone, text, FB, whatever) constantly, but he was ignoring me.
He was engaged once. And he's had many long term relationships (and I guess "healthy" or stable relationships) before.
I did have a part time job. I had to quit because I constantly wish a bus would run over me and I wouldn't have to deal with any of this or think about how many pills I have left before I run out. I'm in no shape to get back to work. I would only get fired (or something).
Most of the time I'm not even thinking about him. I'm thinking about what else I can do to make myself feel better. "Maybe my old classmate knows someone who will be willing to see me for free.""Let me ask X and see if I can borrow some money to pay the medical bills". "Oh I have to do some reading for my classes if I want to finish high school by this summer. But damn, the meds are not really working, I have a headache, and I don't want to get out of bed." Stuff like that.
I have been working on myself. Besides the lifestyle changes, in the past 3 months, I have spent every day looking for counselling services. Traveled to the centers, called them, emailed them. Is there anything else I haven't done?
Just in case I wasn't clear enough.
(BTW, I don't like Tai Chi. I'm 19. There are groups I can join, they are all 50/60/70/80/90 year-olds. In HK only old people like/do them. Not a fan of yoga. And I can't have caffeine.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by CAjerseychick
It will get better, you need to move on in your life- allow other things in it, go through the motions and the pain will slowly dull and fade.
Get a part time job- go do tai chi at a park (there must be groups you can join- my friend in her 30s joined a club in chinatown in SF where I used to live, and had a blast)- get out of your place and go do different things- make a daily schedule and keep to it. Even if its 20 mins of yoga in the am after your morning coffee or tea.
You will meet other people. Be open to what the universe gives you- there is a lot out there- I know it doesn't feel that way now, but you can get to it.
(I have been where you are- that was NOT a good relationship, but he did tell you he wasn't relationship material-- you deserve a good one, but work on yourself first!)...
Last edited by esslikescats; 12-27-2016 at 03:13 PM..
When did he tell me he wasn't relationship material? You mean when he said "I'm like that with anyone in my life?" That was obviously an excuse. When he was saying that, he was dating and having sex with other girls. And I'm pretty sure he was talking to them (phone, text, FB, whatever) constantly, but he was ignoring me.
He was engaged once. And he's had many long term relationships (and I guess "healthy" or stable relationships) before.
...
(BTW, I don't like Tai Chi. I'm 19. There are groups I can join, they are all 50/60/70/80/90 year-olds. In HK only old people like/do them. Not a fan of yoga. And I can't have caffeine.)
These phrases below tell me that he said he wasn't looking for a relationship:
He said "We're literally just friends with benefits, right?".
And he was like, yeah I know, but I'm so busy right now I can't be a good partner for anyone.
he was like "... I've done FWB in the past, and I just find it tends to work out better that way".
He gave me a bunch of other reasons why we couldn't have a relationship ...
OP he is telling you he does not want a relationship WITH YOU.
He said it nicely (sort of) and he used you.
he gave you a STD.
Clearly he is seeing other people, and having sex with them and maybe in a relationship with them- but he told you its not going to work (for him) to be in a relationship with you.
Some things you just have to learn.
I am telling you to get outside of yourself (even if its with old people, they have sons and daughters, and can
lead you to other people- heck maybe you will find someone to take you under their wing , as you say your parents are abusing you)...
OP
meds can be a lifesaver, and so can therapy, but they are not magic.
Connecting with other people and structure are a huge part of it too, a good friend can go along way ..
Tai chi, yoga, parkour - whatever- find something you do like- here in the US there are urban knitting circles for young hip people. Volunteer at a dog shelter (I know they have them, cause we used to get rescue dogs from Hong Kong at the SFSPCA) - become a part of something.
I know you are depressed, but my advice is to participate in activities (I love good gourmet ice cream for example and loved to go to different shops trying them out) until you find something YOU like...
Last edited by CAjerseychick; 12-27-2016 at 04:17 PM..
Reason: made it clearer
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