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okay so I don't know where to start. I'm nervous opening up about stuff. this is my first time ever doing this
But is there something wrong with me? I feel like there is.
I cut myself whenever I feel like the emotions, the pain, and agony in me grows. I was sexually abused as a kid. and also abused. it haunts me today. yeah, I have been diagnosed with some mental health crap but not gonna say which ive been diagnosed with because that's to personal. but ill mention one of them and one of them is PTSD. whenever I remember the traumatic moments, I cut myself, I feel like my dad's DNA still on me from when he violated me when I was little, I feel contaminated. it makes me cry everyday. i wish i could change my past. i wish i had someone who actually loved me. when ever i feel this way i cut myself so badly, i bleed so much i feel a little dizzy because I'm losing so much blood. i feel like when i cut myself i feel accomplished or that i deserved to be punished. i feel like I'm behind and no one one loves me and I'm just crap.. i belive or feel that I'm not welcomed to life and I'm not good enough. i try so hard but nothing happens. i mean would love some help. but no one loves me I'm not good enough for help.
I'm not trilling its just that i don't know where else to reach out to, i mean i love citydata.com and the research it provides so i was looking around the website and saw a mental health forum and thought i could get something out of this. if you can help, i would appreciate it.
I cannot help except to say that you should seek professional mental health help ASAP. I am a little confused about whether you are currently under some sort of treatment; you mention having been diagnosed "with some mental health crap". Does that mean you got treatment at the time in addition to diagnoses? If so, are you continuing treatment up to the present time? From what you wrote the latter seems unlikely.
You say no one loves you. Please try to love youself enough to get professional help. Wouldn't any chance of lessening the misery be well worth a try?
If you still go to school you need to contact your counselor. Be open, tell how you feel. They will help.
Otherwise go to any Mental Health hospital or outpatient clinic (walk-in) and tell them that you don't feel safe and need help. They will evaluate you and decide what next.
You need help, and help is there. Please don't wait.
I mean, yeah I was diagnosed and did get mental treatment and such but I never stayed persistent with the plan( which is my fault). but I feel like my dad's touchDNA prints is still on me from when I was sexually abused. I don't know what that feeling means but it just comes into my brain. I want to stop cutting so badly, but when I have sharp mood swings, I feel as if I don't have any choice.
and yes, people keep telling me I really need help and yes I've also been hospitalized before. me and my mom have found certain institutions and psychiatric hospitals I might need to benefit from and admit myself to. I'm a 21 year old college student. I'm just under a lot of stress. I used to want to succeed but all my thoughts of wanting to die and not wanting to exist at all stand in my way. its like when I cut myself, it justifies everything.
okay so I don't know where to start. I'm nervous opening up about stuff. this is my first time ever doing this
But is there something wrong with me? I feel like there is.
I cut myself whenever I feel like the emotions, the pain, and agony in me grows. I was sexually abused as a kid. and also abused. it haunts me today. yeah, I have been diagnosed with some mental health crap but not gonna say which ive been diagnosed with because that's to personal. but ill mention one of them and one of them is PTSD. whenever I remember the traumatic moments, I cut myself, I feel like my dad's DNA still on me from when he violated me when I was little, I feel contaminated. it makes me cry everyday. i wish i could change my past. i wish i had someone who actually loved me. when ever i feel this way i cut myself so badly, i bleed so much i feel a little dizzy because I'm losing so much blood. i feel like when i cut myself i feel accomplished or that i deserved to be punished. i feel like I'm behind and no one one loves me and I'm just crap.. i belive or feel that I'm not welcomed to life and I'm not good enough. i try so hard but nothing happens. i mean would love some help. but no one loves me I'm not good enough for help.
I'm not trilling its just that i don't know where else to reach out to, i mean i love citydata.com and the research it provides so i was looking around the website and saw a mental health forum and thought i could get something out of this. if you can help, i would appreciate it.
The way you feel isn't uncommon. It's not GOOD (in that it's not healthy for you)...but it's not uncommon. Years ago I read a book titled something like The Bright Red Scream. Just something I stumbled upon.
It was illuminating. It might be available now. Yes...Amazon has it, but for some reason I can't link the page here.
and yes, people keep telling me I really need help and yes I've also been hospitalized before. me and my mom have found certain institutions and psychiatric hospitals I might need to benefit from and admit myself to. I'm a 21 year old college student. I'm just under a lot of stress. I used to want to succeed but all my thoughts of wanting to die and not wanting to exist at all stand in my way. its like when I cut myself, it justifies everything.
Don't you think that the way you feel, and the fact that you are cutting yourself AND feel good about it is alarming? That you can't succeed in life if you want to die.
You can admit yourself to a psychiatric/behavioral institution, and you should do so. You can be helped.
I mean, yeah I was diagnosed and did get mental treatment and such but I never stayed persistent with the plan( which is my fault). but I feel like my dad's touchDNA prints is still on me from when I was sexually abused. I don't know what that feeling means but it just comes into my brain. I want to stop cutting so badly, but when I have sharp mood swings, I feel as if I don't have any choice.
But you can go and do it again. You will need to stick to the therapy. Don't walk away from it when you are feeling things are hard.
In our extended family a young girl was fostered who had the same story of childhood abuse, and the same response as she got older (self-cutting) as you did. She went to good therapy for around 2 years in total. Every week in the early days, tapering off as it went on. She has learned to control this, she is happier at the moment. She is in a relationship and doing well at college, and hasn't gotten into a cutting situation now for a long long time. That can be you too, but professional help is need. Please seek it. You can lessen this pain you feel, the extent of the mood swings, and the need you feel to do this. Good luck.
Please do not give up on yourself. I know it is hard to be adherent to treatment when you feel bad. But this can be treated, and things will get better. Just find your strength and inner love. Find a mentor or a church. Please do not give up. I lost my daughter at your age to suicide and I wish I could have gotten this message through to her. So I am trying with you. I hope you can hear me.
Please do not give up on yourself. I know it is hard to be adherent to treatment when you feel bad. But this can be treated, and things will get better. Just find your strength and inner love. Find a mentor or a church. Please do not give up. I lost my daughter at your age to suicide and I wish I could have gotten this message through to her. So I am trying with you. I hope you can hear me.
Your kind message is so empowering, you don't have a clue. the slightest bit of support equals to rays of light and hope, thank you. I'm also so sorry you've lost your daughter. thank you for the support. much appreciated. I actually cried when I read what you mentioned about your daughter. I've known that pain and feeling to want to die for so long.
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