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He definitely has personality disorders, more than one is very possible. Don't blame your perceptions when you're dealing with someone like that. That's probably what he's been doing for years, telling you your perceptions are off. Some therapy might not hurt since you could be surprised to find out how much of your anxiety stems from things you believe (because you were told) that aren't at all true. There's a big difference between avoiding him and learning not to be affected by him.
I only wish it were easy for me to do this, but there is still that chain on me that draws me to him, I feel sorry for him, but at the same time very angry. I have no one to support me like this, my PTSD( been diagnosed with) probably stems from a lot of this. what makes me even more mad is no matter how much I express to my mom about these feelings and all the drama, she totally blows me off. she says she doesn't believe in mental health. she even literally acts as if abuse does not exist either. She basically believes that she should just "pray to god" to take away all of the problems, like she never deals with her problems herself and is never proactive. What she doesn't realize is that, because of all of her views and unwillingness to recognize the hurt that was going on, I got hurt TREMENDOUSLY, I deal with so much anger management( like throwing and hitting things, I try my hardest to control all of this, I hate braking things). But she just tells me to "get over it". like its no big deal, I don't know if this is just me thinking this, but I feel as if she is selfish sometimes. I always had a impression that she only cared about herself though all of this because growing up she was kind of distant from me emotionally, like I felt as if I could not connect with her at all, because she was never there to help me through all of this. it was like she always closed doors on me emotionally . I always felt shut off from her, no matter how hard I tried to connect with her or understand her side of the story or how she went through all of this. I always tried to understand her perception of things to make sure I wasn't the one being selfish, like I was trying to see through her own eyes what she thought of the situation, but no, she would still close that door on me emotionally.
Everything you're saying sounds real to me. I don't think your mother knew it was selfish to shut you off emotionally. She probably just had no idea how to deal with feelings. Probably no one taught her. You sound like you want to grow up to be a different kind of person and you're on the right track putting some space between you, even if it's just for a while. It makes sense to be drawn to your father because he's your father and your mother because she's your mother. These are ties that bind. The problem is that you need someone to talk to that doesn't tell you the things you feel don't exist or aren't real. You should try to find a therapist because it's the best way to get over the anger that's affecting your life.
Everything you're saying sounds real to me. I don't think your mother knew it was selfish to shut you off emotionally. She probably just had no idea how to deal with feelings. Probably no one taught her. You sound like you want to grow up to be a different kind of person and you're on the right track putting some space between you, even if it's just for a while. It makes sense to be drawn to your father because he's your father and your mother because she's your mother. These are ties that bind. The problem is that you need someone to talk to that doesn't tell you the things you feel don't exist or aren't real. You should try to find a therapist because it's the best way to get over the anger that's affecting your life.
I totally agree with you. I just need to find one lol.
If I were in your shoes I'd find a good therapist and talk this out. Having a sounding board, in person, can be a huge benefit. You'll learn coping skills.
Parents are a tough issue. If it's not one thing it's something else. I can say that kids can't change parents. Parents will have to change on their own. No counseling, therapist, or rehab will move them to change if they don't want it. And at this point in their lives they sound stubborn, set in their ways, and unbending. All you can do is tell them you care and leave communication open. Talk.
I bet as they age and retire they'll be more open to a relationship with you and I hope by that time it'll be on your terms.
You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you. You probably have plans and a career path. I didn't read all the thread here so I didn't absorb all the details. I don't know if you have siblings or family nearby that is affected by them. I hope you have friends to confide in and yeah get a family therapist lined up. At least you'll feel your stepping out of this situation and ahead to where you're doing something. It'll ease your conscience.
When / if you marry remember your spouse will be dealing with your parents, too. And when grandkids come about - -- All something to consider. Again, you are 20. Your whole life is ahead of you.
Your father has anger and rage issues. Your mother deals with it by denying her emotions and yours. You said you also have some anger issues which is not surprising given what you've told us but that is an insight that can help you going forward. You can't fix them. But you can work on how you deal with stress and learn coping skills to improve your life whether you continue to see your father or not.
I understand the attraction/repellant feeling of wanting to have a relationship with your parents despite their repeatedly failing you. Most of us don't want to walk away from our parents if we can help it. Please find a counselor who can help you develop the tools to not only improve your method of dealing with your parents but to head off the potential of your own anger escalating in the future. Put your concentration on yourself. And good luck.
thanks guys! this means a lot, I can't wait to focus on me and not them. one thing I learned is that sometimes you can only do whats best for you, sometimes you just have to put certain people further aside if its causing hardships in your life. thank you guys!
I suggest that you don't make any announcements to him, but simply stop seeing him - especially not alone. Unless I'm missing something, I can't tell if your mother is still in the picture. You can make the gesture of sending him a birthday card or Father's Day card, but otherwise stay away. The only exception you might want to make is if another relative has a large family gathering.
It's always possible that things may change a decade or two down the line, but your description makes him sound so extreme that I doubt it. I'm surprised that in your 20s you even have to ask this.
I suggest that you don't make any announcements to him, but simply stop seeing him - especially not alone. Unless I'm missing something, I can't tell if your mother is still in the picture. You can make the gesture of sending him a birthday card or Father's Day card, but otherwise stay away. The only exception you might want to make is if another relative has a large family gathering.
It's always possible that things may change a decade or two down the line, but your description makes him sound so extreme that I doubt it. I'm surprised that in your 20s you even have to ask this.
I mean, I don't know why I have to ask it either, deep down inside I know what has done to me was inappropriate. but there's like this mental cloudiness in me that tells me everything he does is excused and that he may get away with anything. But like I said, deep down inside I know that's wrong. What makes it worst is he's not the only person in my life that is like this there were a couple more people just like this unfortunately. Because of all of this, I have a hard time trusting other people and myself, I feel bad all the time. And since all of this has been going on, my mother hid it from everyone else in the family and friends. No one knew we were going through this. I grew up thinking that this was all normal, I'm just now realizing that this is not okay.
also guys, the other thing is that he lives all the way over in Germany! and I'm all the way over on the west coast USA. so, I'm not even close to being around him, oh thank god.
You should do the best you can to keep contact with him in some way. Even if he has issues he's your only father and you'll never get another one. You will need to draw boundaries and at times keep him at a distance but don't fall into the trap of cutting him off and losing your father completely. Lots of people regret cutting parents off.
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