Why I think about Death a lot. (personality disorder, bipolar, trigger)

[Wandering_Forever_20]

i'm 22 years old/male and i suffer from many health conditions: Autism, ADHD, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and also diabetes which effects my mind.

I'm really just typing all of this to vent really. not quite looking for advice at all.

Also, things in my life seem to be getting better, but i just felt like letting this all out anyway.

One thing about me is, I think about death a lot. I'm way too much of a coward to kill myself though, but i still think about me dying a lot. Especially since I thought I was going to end up homeless earlier and wasn't going to have any way to get my insulin, but my adoptive parents are going to be sending me down to Florida to live with relatives until I get approved for SSI.

Every since I was young teenager, I use to want to die a lot. And people always thought that it was because I had poor self esteem and they also thought it was because I hated myself and they thought that i was thinking that i deserve to be dead and gone, but it's actually quite the opposite.

The real reason why I wanted to die is because I hate the world and hate everyone in my life and want to ditch all of them and leave them behind forever. it had nothing to do with what i thought of myself.

People just really make me angry and I wanted to ditch all of them. I never go out often at all. I spend most of my days just on my computer. I've tried going out, but i never liked it and don't want to. I also don't want any friends either. I am able to talk to people, and be nice to people, but after I get bored of them and we loose contact.

I'm excited to move to Florida though. I hate the state I live in now and want to get out and leave. Too many bad memories here and too many triggers here too.

It also pisses me off how people tell me, "oh, you should talk to a therapist."

I never liked ANY of my therapist.

my newest therapist i saw, after our first meeting I already wanted to punch him in the face because he was stupid and arrogant.

The therapist before that, I wrote a story about her getting rapped and murdered by a magic scarecrow I summoned up, and I didn't want to see her anymore because I hated her.

The therapist before that, I typed bad reviews about her all over the internet and stopped seeing her because she was stupid.

And the therapist before that, I slashed out her tires one day (that was back when i was 14. i don't do crazy stuff like that anymore)

Earlier today, I was posting here about going on SSI and moving to Florida. I got some good advice from some nice people on the forums, but a lot of other people were making fun of me, and calling me 'entitled' and were kinda bashing me because i can't hold a job because it's too stressful and overwhelming. They were also telling me that nothing going on in my life was real and i was making it all up, which really aggravated me.

After a while, it really got me angry. I'm not going to let them get to me though. In a couple months, I'll finally be living in Florida like i've always wanted to, but it still made me very mad.