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I have been having some suicidal thoughts lately but have been feeling depressed for a very long time. I dont think I could actually go through with killing myself because the effect it would have on the people close to me. I just wish I could somehow change myself into a better person.
Here's my story:
I went to college for IT. I wanted to be an Asp.net web developer because I believed it would be easy to find work.Also, I enjoyed writing programs in C#. I did well and received A's and B's for most of my core coursework. However, After the tough realization of the demand for the job I feel like I don't know anything at all. Any job I look to apply to has so many requirements that I didn't learn in school. I have struggled to past tests for jobs and have had issues doing what others call simple code. I feel cheated by the college I attended and I also feel like a complete idiot for wasting my time. I graduated last year and have had no luck in finding a job or even getting an interview.
I am currently reviewing everything I can possibly learn but I feel like I can never catch up. I also have been putting off my student loans but the interest is going to get very high and I haven't had a job since 2010. And since then socially I have cut myself off from mostly everyone and I only see family on special occasions. I gained some weight and just wanted to disappear until I could fix myself but I haven't had the motive to do anything but feel like crap.
I feel like a complete failure. I am 28 never had a 'real' job. I don't have my license and I am just mooching off my boyfriend until he gets tired of me. I get random aspirations to try to accomplish something like 'create an app' that might make me rich but I always quit and realize I just keep wasting my time with programming since I am no good at it.
So yeah I don't know why I am even looking to strangers for help or even if any advice you could give me would be useful. What would you do in my situation? Should I just give up on programming?
Have you gone to your local department of labor and talked to an employment counselor? Maybe you should seek a job that is not as technical as before but rather search for work in an office where they’d be thrilled to have someone who is simply proficient in keeping networks running or solving day to day problems? You might be putting too much pressure on yourself. Seems a practical step would be to simply find work that keeps your mind occupied and pays your bills. Later you can circle back and decide what you want to do about programming.
Pay the minimum amount on your student loans. If you talk to your lender, they’ll often work with you to keep you in the system. Set up your monthly payment in autopay and sort of forget about it. As long as you’re paying they’ll leave you alone.
Once you get these practical concerns lined up, go to your family doctor and tell them you’re feeling depressed. Ask them to prescribe you something that will give you a mild boost. Read up on various antidepressants so you have a general idea of how they work. Avoid the ones with serious withdrawal side effects.
Try to get some exercise and eat better. You’re still young enough to have a successful career. Keep your mind open and don’t give up.
You’re still young enough to have a successful career. Keep your mind open and don’t give up.
Amen to this..
I think the wisest path out, is baby steps. Just keep making progress with each issue (no matter how slow). The reward(s) will steadily be psychologically & spiritually uplifting. And don't rule out professional mental health help, if u feel it's needed. Stay up..
Depression is pervasive but treatable. I should know, having Major Depressive Disorder since childhood.
Don't change programs, but do get a referral from your MD for a mental health eval...afterwards you'll know how best to proceed with your life. If you receive a depression diagnosis, therapy and medications work to provide you a normal existence.
Don't put too much stock in CD posters...getting help from the general public not recommended....
I went thru 10 yrs of clinical depression and could not get thyroid supported due to Normal Lab numbers....my D.O. did no labs, called in for Armour thyroid and those 10 yrs lifted in a short time. My story. That was in 2002.
" I just wish I could somehow change myself into a better person." - This says to me that you have a distorted view of your self worth. Unless you are harming others, your value is inherent and you are entitled to be at peace within yourself and as you move about in this life.
I suffered a major depressive episode when I was 28. I felt unaccomplished, useless, and confused before. It's hell on earth. Below are a few things that helped me then and with subsequent bouts of depression.
Take a good outdoor walk (as long as possible) no matter the weather.
Engage in some form of exercise (other than walking) for at least 15 minutes a day to get your energy levels up.
Research the importance of diet on hormones and mood and apply what you learn.
Lose any sense of false pride and reach out to any family or friends who truly love and support me unconditionally; use them as your support system and share your progress, setbacks, concerns, etc.
Find one person or pet whose needs you can fill. Get outside of yourself by helping one person or animal.
Good Luck
PS. I do recommend getting help from random strangers. The world is full of supportive and helpful people. People do this everyday. Use what is helpful and discard the rest.
It sounds as though you feel locked into this situation, and there is no exit. But I do see a couple of possible ways out.
The work thing sounds like a major downer. I would have thought, like you, that it wouldn't be too hard to get a programming job. But you are more qualified for the work than most people.
What you need is an entry level job in the field, which may not pay too well, but would be a start. You school may have a career counselling or employment office, talk to them. If they don't, your county probably does. Talk to them. Also, get on the net and learn more about entry level jobs for people with your credentials: Asp.net web developer entry level
The other thing, and people are picking up on this, is the phrase: I just want to change myself into a better person. You don't need to change yourself to be a better person. You just need to be the good person you are. Be sure to do some small thing every day that makes you feel like you did something good for someone. Anyone. Go do some volunteer work. Sometimes the connections people make doing volunteer work pay off in jobs, but don't worry about that. Just do some small, specific thing that expresses who you really are.
I have been having some suicidal thoughts lately but have been feeling depressed for a very long time. I dont think I could actually go through with killing myself because the effect it would have on the people close to me. I just wish I could somehow change myself into a better person.
I'm sorry you feeling this way. My son took his life at 27 in 2014 just three weeks after I spent time camping with him. I'm glad you are considering the people close to you.
I'm going to suggest you keep away from anything with chocolate in it. Cocoa can bring on quite severe depression and feelings of suicide. Ironically, people often turn to chocolate when feeling down or depressed.
You are only 28 years old and you've graduated from College already. Good for you!
If it were me, I would look into a different occupation.
Until then, your loans will be a stressor. Get a job anywhere you can until you think you know what you
may be good at. Look into Careers of high demand first.
Hang in there. You've accomplished much. Whatever is in your head that tells you differently is lying.
I'd also find a bible beloeving church, non-denominational is usually best. I said a prayer for you, hang in there. You have much to be proud of and God created you for a purpose.
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