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Old 05-05-2018, 08:41 AM
 
1,088 posts, read 1,047,778 times
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I have a very close best friend who I genuinely consider like family, this friend entered my life at a time when I had just moved to the area and had no friends, he showed me the path and we quickly became best friends, he is one of the very few true friends that I have. I have seen this friend on a nearly daily basis for the past 2 years as we also happen to work together in the same company let alone IN the same office space, we have shared so many experiences and memories over the past two years, both at work and outside of work, good times, bad times, and everything in between, I have leaned heavily on him through so many rough patches and he has literally changed my life in so many ways..

Now here comes the shock of the century, my friend revealed the news to me that he is LEAVING the country to work on a cruise line with LESS than two weeks of notice! From the moment I found out the news I have spiraled into a severe state of depression and grief, I can barely eat or sleep, everywhere I go reminds me of him; the office, the restaurants that we had lunch at every day, the places where we had deep conversations, the places we visited, etc.. I feel so dysfunctional and distraught, just seeing these places is unavoidable and fills me with an overwhelming sense of sadness and devastation. I can no longer perform at work as I cant stop thinking about his absence especially not having him there in the office. It is so severe that I am seriously considering leaving the area as this entire city reminds me of him and his absence.

We are now down to his last week, I have noticed that he is gradually starting to pull away in what I assume is an effort to protect himself from the looming emotional storm, for the first time since I can remember he declined my invite for lunch which is unheard of as this is our daily tradition, this further affected me. He has promised that we will keep in touch with me but disclosed that he will be in remote locations and cannot guarantee that he will be able to communicate with me regularly, he has also reminded me that he is due to come back after 6 months but once again lots could have changed by then so there is no guarantee, he could choose to go elsewhere or maybe even I myself may not be in this area anymore.. I also fear that my poor handling of this news could also be pushing him further away, I have already shed buckets of tears in front of him and openly expressed how much of a loss this will be for me..

This chapter of my life and our friendship is coming to a close and I cannot cope with the loss. I have a HUGE horrifying fear that our friendship in the long-run is going to suffer, will never be the same again, or that he will just disappear for good and not follow through with keeping in touch..

Long story short, this is a HUGE change and I am frozen in time, I feel like I am drowning in loss, it is severely affecting my health and wellbeing.. Any advise on how to cope and get through this??

Last edited by MrKnight; 05-05-2018 at 08:49 AM..
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Old 05-05-2018, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Southern California
28,007 posts, read 10,522,847 times
Reputation: 17859
Change is Constant and we must adapt. To put so much in one person's friendship is fool hearty to say the least. We all develop friends and they come and go, just like family. We win and lose but go on and develop new friends etc. You have to cope and it's no loss...wish your friend good and get on with your life...stay in touch as best ways you can. Sounds very childish in thinking.

I wonder if your friend knows the pressure and lack of coping you are going thru, that's a lot of pressure on them. Not friend like for sure.
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Old 05-05-2018, 11:07 AM
 
Location: The High Seas
7,376 posts, read 13,931,846 times
Reputation: 11758
Find a therapist to talk about dependency.
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Old 05-05-2018, 12:46 PM
 
1,088 posts, read 1,047,778 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaminhealth View Post
Change is Constant and we must adapt. To put so much in one person's friendship is fool hearty to say the least. We all develop friends and they come and go, just like family. We win and lose but go on and develop new friends etc. You have to cope and it's no loss...wish your friend good and get on with your life...stay in touch as best ways you can. Sounds very childish in thinking.

I wonder if your friend knows the pressure and lack of coping you are going thru, that's a lot of pressure on them. Not friend like for sure.
How do I rectify the excessive emotion and pressure that I have been placing on my friend? I already feel guilty about this, I attempted to apologize and it did not go very well. The absolute last thing I would want is for the friendship to get damaged and/or ruined right before he departs on this journey..
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Old 05-05-2018, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Southern California
28,007 posts, read 10,522,847 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrKnight View Post
How do I rectify the excessive emotion and pressure that I have been placing on my friend? I already feel guilty about this, I attempted to apologize and it did not go very well. The absolute last thing I would want is for the friendship to get damaged and/or ruined right before he departs on this journey..
Back off, wish them the best and express your love and years of friendship. You are the only one who knows what to do.
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Old 05-05-2018, 01:13 PM
 
Location: on the wind
10,884 posts, read 4,923,836 times
Reputation: 35990
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrKnight View Post
I have a very close best friend who I genuinely consider like family, this friend entered my life at a time when I had just moved to the area and had no friends, he showed me the path and we quickly became best friends, he is one of the very few true friends that I have.

Now here comes the shock of the century, my friend revealed the news to me that he is LEAVING the country to work on a cruise line with LESS than two weeks of notice!

This chapter of my life and our friendship is coming to a close and I cannot cope with the loss. I have a HUGE horrifying fear that our friendship in the long-run is going to suffer, will never be the same again, or that he will just disappear for good and not follow through with keeping in touch..
I am sorry to hear this OP. Of course this is a loss. Anyone so callous to suggest it isn't should be flatly ignored. It would be for anyone, partly due to the sudden unexpected notice. We all suffer losses in our lives, but sometimes it catches us by surprise because it doesn't happen to be the classic death or tragedy of someone close. Friendships wax and wane. We move away from our childhood friends, take new jobs, attend different schools, marry, divorce, start families, all things that affect our friends. The strongest best ones will still be there. There are many good therapies to help you deal with loss, all sorts of books, articles, therapy resources to choose from. However, for the moment, some things that might ease it somewhat. Of course you are grieving. It's natural and you have to recognize that it must run its course. It is what you do afterward that will matter more.

Reconsider how your relationship with your friend will or won't change. Sure, he won't be at your workplace daily, right there in person, but it's not as if he cannot be contacted from now on. Those are traditions, habits. You can change or break an old habit and form a new one. It's not the end of everything and doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is ending at all. The way you stay in contact will change, but it will still be possible.

Simple logistics may well mean you two drift apart, but if your relationship is as strong as you feel it is, it will survive. It will probably get fine-tuned down to the most important, the more essential aspects and they are what will matter the most. You both will cherish these most important things more. You won't lose your history of this person or how important he's been in your life. That is yours forever.

It might help to think about how you CAN best stay in touch instead of how you can't. It may also help to think about the opportunity and the benefits this will have for this person you care about so much. If it is something he is excited about isn't that a good thing? He felt the need for a life change. Celebrate that part of it. Wouldn't you wish your friend the best? It can give you some happiness to remind yourself that your dear friend is in a good situation.

One of the things that helps me when I am upset about a life situation is to turn my thoughts away from my own troubles and settle them on someone or something else. Instead of churning my troubles over and over in my own head I try to find something larger than myself to spend anxious energy on...by volunteering, helping at a local charity or civic group, working on a social campaign, etc. It gives the old sad brain something else to do, and when you see the results you get a sense of satisfaction, contentment, new sense of worth, even a bit of power and pride. All good things.

OP, you can survive this. Your friend can survive this. Sometimes distance gives us a whole new perspective on the rest of our lives. Hoping the best for you.
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Old 05-05-2018, 01:19 PM
 
1,088 posts, read 1,047,778 times
Reputation: 963
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
I am sorry to hear this OP. Of course this is a loss. Anyone so callous to suggest it isn't should be flatly ignored. It would be for anyone, partly due to the sudden unexpected notice. We all suffer losses in our lives, but sometimes it catches us by surprise because it doesn't happen to be the classic death or tragedy of someone close. Friendships wax and wane. We move away from our childhood friends, take new jobs, attend different schools, marry, divorce, start families, all things that affect our friends. The strongest best ones will still be there. There are many good therapies to help you deal with loss, all sorts of books, articles, therapy resources to choose from. However, for the moment, some things that might ease it somewhat. Of course you are grieving. It's natural and you have to recognize that it must run its course. It is what you do afterward that will matter more.

Reconsider how your relationship with your friend will or won't change. Sure, he won't be at your workplace daily, right there in person, but it's not as if he cannot be contacted from now on. Those are traditions, habits. You can change or break an old habit and form a new one. It's not the end of everything and doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is ending at all. The way you stay in contact will change, but it will still be possible.

Simple logistics may well mean you two drift apart, but if your relationship is as strong as you feel it is, it will survive. It will probably get fine-tuned down to the most important, the more essential aspects and they are what will matter the most. You both will cherish these most important things more. You won't lose your history of this person or how important he's been in your life. That is yours forever.

It might help to think about how you CAN best stay in touch instead of how you can't. It may also help to think about the opportunity and the benefits this will have for this person you care about so much. If it is something he is excited about isn't that a good thing? He felt the need for a life change. Celebrate that part of it. Wouldn't you wish your friend the best? It can give you some happiness to remind yourself that your dear friend is in a good situation.

One of the things that helps me when I am upset about a life situation is to turn my thoughts away from my own troubles and settle them on someone or something else. Instead of churning my troubles over and over in my own head I try to find something larger than myself to spend anxious energy on...by volunteering, helping at a local charity or civic group, working on a social campaign, etc. It gives the old sad brain something else to do, and when you see the results you get a sense of satisfaction, contentment, new sense of worth, even a bit of power and pride. All good things.

OP, you can survive this. Your friend can survive this. Sometimes distance gives us a whole new perspective on the rest of our lives. Hoping the best for you.

Thank you very much Parnassia. Your kind words of support and understanding are very much appreciated. I hope that with time and doing the things you suggested will help heal the wound of empty space, I also hope that the rocky departure and the fact that I have not handled it well to the point that my friend asked for space, I hope that it will not negatively affect our friendship.
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Old 05-05-2018, 02:37 PM
 
Location: on the wind
10,884 posts, read 4,923,836 times
Reputation: 35990
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrKnight View Post
Thank you very much Parnassia. Your kind words of support and understanding are very much appreciated. I hope that with time and doing the things you suggested will help heal the wound of empty space, I also hope that the rocky departure and the fact that I have not handled it well to the point that my friend asked for space, I hope that it will not negatively affect our friendship.
They will. You will get past it. Be kind to your friend...ask for his understanding and his patience. Just acknowledging that you were upset and maybe didn't handle it perfectly will help a lot. It may be all that is expected. Your friendship is being tested.
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Old 05-06-2018, 08:48 AM
 
1,088 posts, read 1,047,778 times
Reputation: 963
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
They will. You will get past it. Be kind to your friend...ask for his understanding and his patience. Just acknowledging that you were upset and maybe didn't handle it perfectly will help a lot. It may be all that is expected. Your friendship is being tested.
It is getting very difficult, time is running out and tension is high, I have made multiple attempts to contact him to apologize and ended up having to send him the apology via text, he was not very receptive to the apology and expressed that he feels that I am being overly invasive and overly attached. Long story short, my attempt to smooth things over has made things worse and I feel like I am running out of options with such limited time.
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Old 05-06-2018, 10:48 AM
 
1,583 posts, read 837,205 times
Reputation: 2997
Can you allpy to the same cruise line and get a job with him?
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