Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I had a friend who constantly bailed out on plans with me, the reason she gave me when she kept bailing out on me was she was sick, had other stuff that came out, busy, tired, etc but turns out she had depression, stress, anxiety, the list goes on like that but by that stage I was too worn out to be bothered to be her friend anymore, I would like your opinion on this, should stuff like that be used as an excuse to constantly blow off plans with a friend??? please comment? any one have any similar stories to this??? share your experience???
Well. I think that this is tricky and there isn't going to be one right answer, person-to-person. I struggle with anxiety (social and leaving my house sometimes) and when it hits, there isn't much that I can do to relieve it when I'm already out or when I'm at work, etc. I really do try to work through it, use CBT techniques I've learned, ground myself, all that. I'm successful a lot of the time, now. But I'm going to be honest with you - it's because I can never be sure how it's going to go that I often would just rather stay at home and be safe from the what-if. I don't want my friends to feel awkward or embarrassed to be with me if I have a panic attack in the middle of dinner.
In moments of clarity and confidence and high self-esteem, I make plans. And I mean to follow through with them, I truly do. It's not that hard, right? You make a plan - you stick to it. Easy? But sometimes in the moment, I'm just not comfortable or able and it's a huge bummer because I've definitely lost friendships as a result. I hate that I do this, believe me. I hate letting people down and I know they get frustrated with me and I know that every time it happens, I am less and less likely to be invited in the future.
One thing that I have done with friends is actually ask them not to make one-on-one plans with me, for their own sake. I so appreciate invitations to get-togethers and parties and similar events where I know that if I'm not able to make it, the plans for the night aren't totally a bust and a good time is had regardless. Maybe try this? Maybe try suggesting to your friend that, while you like spending time with them and you want to, it's frustrating to make plans all the time only to have them canceled. Perhaps offer to let your friend make the plans so they have the control. Maybe suggest hanging out at your friends house vs. going out? They might be more comfortable at home. OR suggest my tactic above - say that you want your friend included and will extend invitations for group stuff vs. one-on-one time as a compromise.
It's okay to be honest with your friend about how you feel. Chances are, they are already well-aware of their shortcomings in the relationship department. Most of us with anxiety are. And if they aren't already aware, they will probably appreciate hearing it from a friend. So much of anxiety and depression is, unfortunately, an inability to see that our choice and actions do affect more than just ourselves. Your friend might think it's not that big of a deal to cancel plans, but it is a big deal to you and so you should tell them. You definitely are not obligated to continue in a friendship that doesn't go both ways just because your friend struggles with mental illness. Your time and feelings and life is important too.
She's doing what depressed and anxiety-ridden people do. they bail out and complain to be sick. I do it all the time. You're making it out to be about you, but it's really about her. She needed a friend who understood or was willing to try to understand. And apparently she did not get that
Well. I think that this is tricky and there isn't going to be one right answer, person-to-person. I struggle with anxiety (social and leaving my house sometimes) and when it hits, there isn't much that I can do to relieve it when I'm already out or when I'm at work, etc. I really do try to work through it, use CBT techniques I've learned, ground myself, all that. I'm successful a lot of the time, now. But I'm going to be honest with you - it's because I can never be sure how it's going to go that I often would just rather stay at home and be safe from the what-if. I don't want my friends to feel awkward or embarrassed to be with me if I have a panic attack in the middle of dinner.
In moments of clarity and confidence and high self-esteem, I make plans. And I mean to follow through with them, I truly do. It's not that hard, right? You make a plan - you stick to it. Easy? But sometimes in the moment, I'm just not comfortable or able and it's a huge bummer because I've definitely lost friendships as a result. I hate that I do this, believe me. I hate letting people down and I know they get frustrated with me and I know that every time it happens, I am less and less likely to be invited in the future.
One thing that I have done with friends is actually ask them not to make one-on-one plans with me, for their own sake. I so appreciate invitations to get-togethers and parties and similar events where I know that if I'm not able to make it, the plans for the night aren't totally a bust and a good time is had regardless. Maybe try this? Maybe try suggesting to your friend that, while you like spending time with them and you want to, it's frustrating to make plans all the time only to have them canceled. Perhaps offer to let your friend make the plans so they have the control. Maybe suggest hanging out at your friends house vs. going out? They might be more comfortable at home. OR suggest my tactic above - say that you want your friend included and will extend invitations for group stuff vs. one-on-one time as a compromise.
It's okay to be honest with your friend about how you feel. Chances are, they are already well-aware of their shortcomings in the relationship department. Most of us with anxiety are. And if they aren't already aware, they will probably appreciate hearing it from a friend. So much of anxiety and depression is, unfortunately, an inability to see that our choice and actions do affect more than just ourselves. Your friend might think it's not that big of a deal to cancel plans, but it is a big deal to you and so you should tell them. You definitely are not obligated to continue in a friendship that doesn't go both ways just because your friend struggles with mental illness. Your time and feelings and life is important too.
She's doing what depressed and anxiety-ridden people do. they bail out and complain to be sick. I do it all the time. You're making it out to be about you, but it's really about her. She needed a friend who understood or was willing to try to understand. And apparently she did not get that
Afraid I agree with Joe, OP.
They are giving you a reason, which in my mind is different than an excuse...
Reading back over my post, it may have come off as more angry than I intended. Depressed people have code speak. Ask them how they are, if they say I'm not feeling too well or I'm under the weather, what they typically mean is I'm feeling depressed. Folks don't understand depression, but they understand if you lie and say you're sick. I was invited to a friends house for a week and all I wanted to do was to stay home alone because it's easier than being around people. My friend doesn't take no for an answer, so I didn't even try. So I went up to his place for a week and had a great time.
I agree with the other two commenters, to an extent. Your friend probably does need someone who understands them and who can pick up on subtle cues. But I'd like to point out that it doesn't have to be you. Not everyone is able to be that person for someone struggling with depression or anxiety, and that's okay. Joe said that you're making it about you as if that's inappropriate to do, but it's not always selfish to put yourself first.
I say all this from the perspective of a person who struggles with anxiety and depression. Sometimes I wish my friends would reach out more. Sometimes I wish they would understand that reaching out first is really hard for me. I want them to understand that the invitation, even if I don't ever plan on going, is important to me and appreciated. It's the thought that counts for me, mostly. But really, I do not think it makes you a bad person or a bad friend to establish boundaries concerning your interactions with other people. It is hard work to maintain a friendship with a depressed person and some people, especially more empathic people, find it to be too much for their own mental state to get too close. Let me repeat: it's okay.
Relationships should be reciprocal, especially friendships, which are voluntary relationships.
Your "friend" is not really a friend to you - you are expected to cater to her - that is a one-way arrangement that will cause resentment over time (and is just not practical - you can't make plans with someone who constantly bails out for whatever reason).
She is not your responsibility.
I would just cut your losses and let the "relationship" go. There won't be much of a loss.
Relationships should be reciprocal, especially friendships, which are voluntary relationships.
Your "friend" is not really a friend to you - you are expected to cater to her - that is a one-way arrangement that will cause resentment over time (and is just not practical - you can't make plans with someone who constantly bails out for whatever reason).
She is not your responsibility.
I would just cut your losses and let the "relationship" go. There won't be much of a loss.
Would you have this same opinion if the OP's friend had cancer and had to bail because of chemo side effects? The stigma of mental illness is strong in this country. I agree with the poster who said to tell your friend how you feel. Sometimes you are just.not.able to go out. Trying, yes, but some compassion is in order here.
Would you have this same opinion if the OP's friend had cancer and had to bail because of chemo side effects? The stigma of mental illness is strong in this country. I agree with the poster who said to tell your friend how you feel. Sometimes you are just.not.able to go out. Trying, yes, but some compassion is in order here.
Of course you should have compassion, the first time - then the person who is bailing constantly should have compassion for you - it is not all just one-way.
I understand as I have had anxiety/depression myself - I "get" that you don't feel like doing things - but at some point you have to consider the effect your actions are having on others - or not - your choice, but there are consequences for all actions and some people are not going to put up with constant catering to you or disappointment.
There is stigma for good reason - I know that is not a popular opinion and it will cause people to feel angry - I "get" it - but life is hard for all of us, not just a chosen few.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
