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What on earth does this have to do with Narcissism? Everyone on this board always labels everything Narcissism. It seems like the OP’s SO may not get out of the house much or have many friends/interests outside of her husband. That isolation may be suffocating, even though it seems like the OP has tried to get her to go out and interact with others. She really DOES need to get some outside interests. I think this would help the situation dramatically. I know I work from home all but two days a week and it can be very isolating. I imagine she feels the same way.
What on earth does this have to do with Narcissism? Everyone on this board always labels everything Narcissism. It seems like the OP’s SO may not get out of the house much or have many friends/interests outside of her husband. That isolation may be suffocating, even though it seems like the OP has tried to get her to go out and interact with others. She really DOES need to get some outside interests. I think this would help the situation dramatically. I know I work from home all but two days a week and it can be very isolating. I imagine she feels the same way.
Sounds like the guy doesn't want to buy the cow. That can be humiliating for a woman who trusted her guy to do the right thing and believed his promises.
Sounds like the guy doesn't want to buy the cow. That can be humiliating for a woman who trusted her guy to do the right thing and believed his promises.
This can have effects on women. Taking a woman for granted is the worst thing a guy can do. Doing this, can just about guarantee a woman to look for attention. And they will find it. Unless said woman is so humiliated, she has just lost all self esteem. There are guys just waiting for that type too.
I'm no expert, but have been around women enough to know that you can't really change their behavior by telling them not to do something. You enter power struggle territory at that point and there will be control and defiance in the relationship.
Your timing is terrible on bringing up the issue right after returning home from the night out. You have to pick the fights that are worthwhile and let a lot go in between. You could have waited for a better time, or maybe you could have let it go.
So, what is the answer? Why fight it if she looks at other men? Do you feel insecure that she is looking for a ticket to get away from you? You have been together for 17 years and the fire is not burning that hot. The relationship isn't the same as it was in the beginning. You could continue to challenge her, but that's not working. You can ignore it and maybe she stops doing it on her own. It is possible she does it to get a reaction from you.
All fair points and I appreciate you guys responding.
I don't have the answers and accept part of the responsibility for not being married at this point. I've been faithful to her for 17 years and we've not battled with any cheating issues of sorts. The reason we're not married yet really has more to do with our finances and a bit of her hard headedness. I just recently paid off the engagement ring I bought her 3 years ago that cost $10k so I'm not sure how well founded "the doesn't want to buy the cow" remark is.
My fiance comes from a more traditional background where nearly everyone of her relatives pays out big money to get married in a catholic church and then has a big 200+ reception at the same venue with the same 8 or 11 course meal along with a bottle of the finest cognac. The dog and pony show is very much status driven and most her relatives are professional types that are a bit snobby to say the least. I am a blue collar artist type and have no where near the budget. I can put a face on no problem there but her family has a bit of a different dynamic with these people. They have a more blue collar background and have had quite a few falling outs with them.The tension with these people is high, with a mess of disagreements that chain back years. With all this brewing her parents still feel strongly about following suit in this tradition. She is a bit conflicted about the issue. She knows we don't have the finances and would be putting on a face to make this all happen. Nearly all of the relatives are on her dads side, come from money, and don't respect her mom who raised her single handedly (dad lived with mistress for first 20 years of her life). Her mom strangely enough is inline with having the wedding I believe only because she's paid out quite a few red envelopes over the years and wants her due (her words not mine). Does this sound like a romantic wedding?
We found a place in Hawaii that has a small special beach that we loved when visiting a few years ago and would like to do it there, but it breaks tradition and so far her mom is stating that she's waiting on her insurance to change over so she cannot travel. I'm not sure what to think just yet, but my daughter is almost 5 now so it's becoming even more pressing.
It's to the point now that we need to focus on getting the therapy we BOTH need to patch things up before making wedding plans. Yesterday my fiance told me she found a few therapists that are partially covered on our insurance plan. This was music to my ears. We all have issues but I feel some bury them so deep that they're too painful to dig up alone. I'm not expecting her to change but my outlook is as parents we should always be growing and trying to be our best self for each other and our kids.
Op , you don’t need to be married and no need to explain it for anybody. Marriage for most people are overrated since they can’t stay married. If you are having some problems now, better sort them out first.
I am far from the jealous type but demand a certain level of respect having been together for so long,
I told her today that she needs to see a therapist before we can move forward. I believe she's buried some deep denial,depression,anger,and narcissism here... Trying to make this work. In the event that it doesn't she may take my daughter and move three states away.
I can't figure why it bothers you if she looks at other men?
Has she ever been unfaithful????In the 17 years you've been ENGAGED???
Engaged for what?...I'm sure she wonders.
You figure she should show "a certain level of respect having been together for so long"?
Where's the respect in you not marrying her for 17 years?
It sounds cruel that you think and insist that she needs therapy...
Maybe the therapy that you BOTH need is to find out why there's always a reason the marriage can't take place.
I think marriage would prove a good "therapy" for both of you.
I don't know how it works when the guy fathers a child but refuses to marry the mother. Can she still get child support from him, with help from the court system?
Seriously, this "status-driven" family is happier with her delaying a wedding for 17 years, cohabiting with you, having a child five years ago – than if you two had just gotten a ring from a gumball machine and hit the JP's office?
This isn't about narcissism. It is about mental health though, and not only hers. In fact, I'd call the whole thing downright crazy.
And stop denying that you're jealous. You are, even if it's only the teensiest, tiniest bit. She doesn't need a therapist: You both need a therapist.
Last edited by CatzPaw; 11-29-2018 at 06:19 PM..
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