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I'm a 18 girl, and I've never dated someone. I'm not interested in dating any guy so I have high standards. Also, I have social anxiety which makes it so hard for me to even talk to guys. I've recently met a guy online and he seems to have a lot of things I'm looking for in a person, it's like he's the male version of me. The thing is that I feel way more mature than people my age, I feel misunderstood and feel like I don't belong among them so I ended up staying kinda alone. But, I randomly met this guy, and it's exactly the same thing for him. I don't know if I want to date him, but it made me wonder.
I've had social anxiety my entire life but it's slowly getting better. How are you supposed to date anyone when you fear human contact, when you're always scared to be awkward or say something wrong, or scared to disappoint. We're texting each other and even that gives me anxiety, and it's not like I have a crush on him or anything.
First, get to therapy to learn how to handle your social anxiety.
I've seen a therapist but I know that sitting and talking to a person wouldn't have helped me much. I know it's really dumb to be stressed about certain stupid situations but it feels like it's in my nature so..
I've seen a therapist but I know that sitting and talking to a person wouldn't have helped me much. I know it's really dumb to be stressed about certain stupid situations but it feels like it's in my nature so..
So put yourself in those situations so you can experience them.
I hate public speaking... just had to get up there and do it a few times.
OK, stop a minute and think about this. Go ahead with this guy. Take it slow and if he is who you say he is he should understand and flow along with you. Don't expect too much that could possibly set you up for disappointment. Think of this as being good for both you and him. You both could learn something about yourselves. One final note. If, for some reason, it does not work out it is not the end of the world. It would be a journey and learning experience for you both. Watch your self-evaluation about being more mature than others. Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses.
So put yourself in those situations so you can experience them.
I hate public speaking... just had to get up there and do it a few times.
Still don't like it... but can do it.
I've been trying to do that recently for stupid little things by having a "I don't give a ****" mindset, and I could see some improvement.
But what I struggle the most is when I talk to people, I'm not spontaneous at all, I have to think about every little thing I'm about to say for example. In general, I hate talking with people my age, they just bother me with their non important conversations. I've been trying to be and do like others to be liked my entire life and now I don't want to waste my time talking about superficial things with superficial people. I never know what to answer because I'm not into superficial stuff so I just listen, I've been doing that my all life.
I can improve every part of social anxiety like having a call in public, drinking in public, asking for directions, participate in class etc but when it's about really talking to people I don't know how I can do.
It sounds like you don't know you can define boundaries and expect others to respect them. For example, say you would like to have a friend to talk to sometimes. Let them know that's exactly what you want. If they agree, then be a friend like you said. You can change your boundary at any time you feel like it, but let them know when you do. You may want more/less as things progress.
YOU always decide YOUR boundaries and YOU must enforce them. Guys will test your boundaries. This is why you must define your boundary ahead of time. Seems like you don't know you can do this in connecting with people. Think of your connections as business deals. In a business deal two people exchange something they both want. It's the same with relationships. Someone makes an offer, the other accepts, declines, or makes a counter-offer. You can make offers too.
Think of ALL activity with people as business deals. People initiate 'offers'. When they do, the first thing you do is determine if it's within your boundary. Do this quick so you can respond immediately. If it's not in your boundary, tell them. Here's the thing, 'offers' can come at a very fast pace. Once you start a friendship, a guy may start asking/doing new things. And that will happen. Just be prepared for that. Once you know your boundaries, you can accept/decline/counter all offers coming your way.
So think of your connections to people as business matters, as deals. You WANT offers! But most will not be what you want. So make counter-offers! Make ALL your relationships successful business 'deals'!
Here's an example. You decide you just want to be friends with ANY nice guy who has similar interests (that's part of the deal or forget it). You'll text sometimes and meet for lunch sometimes. That's your boundary. That's your part of the 'business deal'. You then need to 'advertise' this (like your a business). You can do that on social media or in a text, or tell then, etc. If a guy accepts this, then keep your end of the deal. Find out if you have similar interests. But if he then asks for more, you simply remind them of your part of the deal. Do this AS SOON AS IT HAPPENS. You WILL get offers that go out of bounds and you must deal with them as they happen. And many offers will be non-verbal. He may try to hold your hand, or kiss you. Be ready to accept/decline/counter. It's your body. It's your life. You make 'deals' as you like. Define your boundaries.
What will happen though is if you've enjoyed the friend and the boundaries (that you enforce), you will WANT to do new things. You'll want new offers that you can accept/decline/counter. In this way you both grow and enjoy the benefits of a mutual connection on both sides. (known as a win-win in business).
A therapist would not provide this type of viewpoint. This is known as life coaching. How to deal with life/relationships. Which is best done thought of as business deals. When you run your personal life like a business, you stay in control, you are not in circumstances you don't want to be in. Very little to be anxious about.
So you see, you're life has extreme value. You can offer many things to share with others. That can benefit them and you. Relationships are about making deals (spoken or not). Others want your offerings. Be it friendship or more. It's very valuable. Don't give it way for free. Don't waste it and not offer it.
" I never know what to answer because I'm not into superficial stuff so I just listen,....but when it's about really talking to people I don't know how I can do."
What topics are you interest in? Find friends of similar interests.
I've been trying to do that recently for stupid little things by having a "I don't give a ****" mindset, and I could see some improvement.
But what I struggle the most is when I talk to people, I'm not spontaneous at all, I have to think about every little thing I'm about to say for example. In general, I hate talking with people my age, they just bother me with their non important conversations. I've been trying to be and do like others to be liked my entire life and now I don't want to waste my time talking about superficial things with superficial people. I never know what to answer because I'm not into superficial stuff so I just listen, I've been doing that my all life.
I can improve every part of social anxiety like having a call in public, drinking in public, asking for directions, participate in class etc but when it's about really talking to people I don't know how I can do.
People on the Internet tend to be even more superficial because they are "anonymous" and can tell all sort of stories that are not even true.
How could you know with whom are you really talking on the forums? That guy could be married with kids, or just a troll, or even a woman...
You should interact with real people, learn how to make conversation, watch their body language, facial expressions, get clues from the tone of the voice. One step at a time.
Staying at home and hiding behind a computer is not going to help your anxieties. Your anxieties will only get worse because you will fear to meet those people in person. You need to learn social skills "live"...
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