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First off, I have two close friends who are both dying of cancer and each have young kids. My personal problems are laughable in comparison to the amount of hardship that falls on so many people that do not deserve the pain and suffering. Keeping all things in perspective here.
Second, this is going to be like a brain dump. If you're up for it, thank you. If not, do yourself a favor and scroll away from this madness now.
I don't understand myself. More specifically i don't understand my brain; how it works; why it thinks the way that it does; how to organize it; how to optimize it for learning and memory. I'm here looking for insight. A template, a lens, a diagram, a quadrant system, something, anything that might help crack my brain's code and help me take it by the reigns vs. continuing on this path.
I'm in my 30s. I struggled in school and I tried really hard. The public school system I attended was ranked in the bottom 5% statewide which certainly didn't help matters but it also was no excuse. I'm sure that I was a poster child for hyperactive brain (probably am currently a poster adult for it).
I'm going to list the areas I struggle in and try hard to give context and not sound too jigsawy.
Learning and retaining information-
I tried hard in high school. I had the hardest time retaining and compartmentalizing the information from books, lessons, and lectures. I would take notes and often record myself, using a tape player, reading the chapters we were studying, and add some example questions, word defining, etc. so that I could listen back to it throughout the day in hope's that maybe the new information would stick and/or sink in. Sometimes I would listen to it so much I'd fall asleep with it on. Even with this I would be lucky to make a C. I wasn't a student that didn't give a s*** and didn't try. I did try, and very hard a lot of the time, but clearly I wasn't using a learning method that worked for my brain.
Communication-
My communication ability is extremely poor. It's jigsawy and incoherent. My brain activity is heavy on visuals and emotions and it seems near impossible to communicate all my thoughts and feelings verbally. A lot of the times it feels like my thoughts are pictures and I have to constantly describe the pictures, which is hard to do, especially when you are just having a normal conversation with someone. When someone tells me a story their words will paint the visuals that I can see and understand clearly, as well as emotions built into the story that I can feel and understand, but then interacting and discussing this experience starts to take place, and (even though I've listened deeply and intently to what that person was saying) I can't interact appropriately. I also can't ever seem to find better words to use, so not only am I talking in jigsaw puzzles, I'm using 4th grade level english.
I've been around and interact with people daily for years, but I just can't seem to improve in this area. Even if I was tying to explain something that I'm really good at and have done for years, I still come across as an uneducated and incoherent person.
I can't ever seem to hold a conversation for a host of reasons. My mind becomes hyper aware and self aware. I start to worry if I'm making sense, wonder to myself where it is I'm going with my words, wondering if i am choosing proper vocabulary, wondering if I'm being socially awkward in any way, or if I'm coming across as unintelligent and not interesting.
Another example is when I try summarize a movie or interesting podcast that I listened to that made perfect sense and held my attention the entire time, what I communicate (to someone else or even myself) is incoherent, choppy and makes little sense. It leaves me sounding like I have no idea what I'm talking about. But in reality i feel like that new information and experience was imprinted in my brain in some way. It's in there, but I access it very well.
At work-
Thankfully my boss knows that I struggle with direct communication, but also knows that I am always fully checked in and have proved that I highly compliment our team. I bring good perspective and insight.
When I take personality tests I usually wind up INJF and INFTP depending on what day it is.
My life isn't bad. It's pretty decent. I have a couple nice friends and my family loves me. Nothing to complain about there. I just want to learn better,remember better, take my brain by the reigns and not feel like it works against me in so many situations.
Thank you to anyone who might be able to offer help or advice.
I went a few times and it didn't really help. It felt like a temporary fix or learning a system that wasn't built for my weird brain. Also, I just didnt have the money to continue going and had an intolerance to adhd meds, even simple caffeine
I've taken all of this into account before I posted. Thanks anyway
I think you raise good points. I know you said you have tried therapy, but have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)? This therapy, specifically teaches you how to override negative messages and train the brain to function more beneficially to enhance your life.
Also, look into neuroplasticity - it is fascinating! Lots of good literature out there!
Good luck!
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