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What would you say to someone who is going through a VERY hard time her own choices, but there is nothing that you are willing to do to help her out? This concerns our daughter, adopted at age 6, and now 28 years old. We are in our mid-60's and not wealthy, although we can (just barely) afford a fairly comfortable retirement if no major catastrophes occur.
To summarize our background together before going into the current crisis with her, we have devoted more than 20 years encouraging her to be a good person and citizen with little success, and in return, she has made it very clear that she doesn't even like or love us, but just uses us when she needs money for some emergency or to have someone to listen to her complain about her life, which is very bad due to her own bad choices, starting from when she dropped out of high school more than ten years ago to return to her drug-addicted bio mom. (She never attached to us, despite years of therapy, and our life with her was a living hell.) We kept -- and still keep -- hoping that she would change her life, but she continues to make one bad choice after another, and we are just sick of it (almost literally).
Well, yesterday, she e-mailed us with the latest crisis, and it is this. She has custody of two of her bio half-brothers (ages 14 and 9) who were removed from the custody of their bio-mom, PLUS she has three kids of her own (ages 7, 6, and 4). She is living in a three-bedroom apartment 250 miles away from us, and yesterday, the oldest one tried to commit suicide and is now an inpatient in some kind of mental facility. To make matters even worse, our son (another half-brother of hers) either committed suicide or was murdered six years ago when he was 19*, so she is now, understandably, an emotional wreck and has no idea what she wants to do except that she wants to leave the town where she and her bio-mom are living, and she says that she wants to move back close to us, even though we are retiring and moving out of state next year!
[*It could have been either one, as it was from an OTC overdose, and he had made two half-hearted suicide attempts before, but he had broken up with his psychopathic girlfriend the day before.]
Anyway, she has no money, and so I have no idea what to say to her. I did tell her that she and her kids could stay with us for TWO days at the end of this month, and I told her to call me again today, but what I did not tell her (yet) is that there is NO WAY that I am going to take her and her "crew" into our home for any more than two days. I have told her many times before that at our ages, we have to consider our needs, too, but I feel that if we say it again to her now (that we will not injure ourselves because of her bad choices), that this might send her over the edge -- plus I don’t know if I am truly ready and able to just abandon her like that.
But, honestly, there is nothing I would like more than to have her out of our life completely, and I am also thinking that if we do help her, there is an excellent chance that nothing good will come of that because I still, obviously, have so many bad feelings toward her, and my husband has even worse feelings toward her than I do. I am convinced to the point of being 99.99% positive that if we were to "cave", the only result would be that she will continue to make our lives miserable. Even if we just give her enough money to move into an apartment near us – assuming she would even qualify for such a place, which is doubtful, and we will definitely not co-sign for it – I doubt she would be able to continue to afford to live there because her work history is atrocious, and we simply cannot afford to support her in any way beyond what is left in the "emergency fund" we set up for her when she left. (Only $3,000 now remains, and she knows that when that's gone, that is all she is getting from us). Plus, we live in a very middle-class suburban community, and she has made it clear that she greatly prefers a much more laid-back (to put it nicely) environment. She is much more comfortable around felons and substance abusers than with law-abiding and middle-class people like us. (And, no, that is not an exaggeration, as most of her bio family are substance abusers and/or felons, two of her kids are by a felon.)
So, in short, I just do not know what to do, and so what do you think would be the best course of action where my husband and I are concerned?
Last edited by katharsis; 08-07-2019 at 10:06 AM..
FWIW, I am obviously not a mental health care professional.
From your OP it sounds as if you have done a lot for this daughter but she's still "chosen" her way of life. She "wants" this from you, she "wants" that from you. Sounds like what she wants isn't solving anything. As long as she knows she's got some sort of soft landing at your expense, she'll use it to avoid the harder but necessary work. Not sure you are the ones needing advice about what else you can do. I think you know, but compassion is preventing you from doing it. That becomes enabling, codependency. If it was me I think I would alter the question; at some point the question is no longer what YOU need to do for her, its what SHE needs to do for herself. Money isn't the problem...many available help resources don't require money. I would go as far as researching mental health care/addiction resources where she is now, send this information to her, and leave her to make the moves on her own.
As for yourself, accept what you are willing to do or not do and reject the guilt over it. Then carry out the plans you've already made for your future. You know what they say about putting on your own oxygen mask first...
I'm so sorry you are facing this. Until your daughter realizes she no longer has options she may never face her demons. You can't do this work for her much as you might wish to.
Last edited by Parnassia; 08-07-2019 at 11:03 AM..
she has made it very clear that she doesn't even like or love us, but just uses us when she needs money for some emergency or to have someone to listen to her complain about her life,what do you think would be the best course of action where my husband and I are concerned?
This is easy. Tell her to get lost and now you get on with your life.
Do you have the capability to go ahead and help her find her own place closer to you than she is now, as she wants, from the start? I am afraid if you let them in, and they are so overpowering in numbers to just you and your husband, you may never get them out.
It's time for the kiddos to be enrolled in school, and so need a stable place to live. I am thinking their own place from day 1.
Read it, and decide from there. Good luck. This is a tough decision, but I believe you already know what course of action to take.
Yes, we know this, but of course, we admittedly did not (and still don't) want to face it. We were warned that she was a candidate for Reactive Attachment Disorder when we adopted her and her brother, but we wanted to try to help her, anyway. Thanks for your response!
Last edited by katharsis; 08-07-2019 at 11:23 AM..
FWIW, I am obviously not a mental health care professional.
From your OP it sounds as if you have done a lot for this daughter but she's still "chosen" her way of life. She "wants" this from you, she "wants" that from you. Sounds like what she wants isn't solving anything. As long as she knows she's got some sort of soft landing at your expense, she'll use it to avoid the harder but necessary work. Not sure you are the ones needing advice about what else you can do. I think you know, but compassion is preventing you from doing it. That becomes enabling, codependency. If it was me I think I would alter the question; at some point the question is no longer what YOU need to do for her, its what SHE needs to do for herself. Money isn't the problem...many available help resources don't require money. I would go as far as researching mental health care/addiction resources where she is now, send this information to her, and leave her to make the moves on her own.
As for yourself, accept what you are willing to do or not do and reject the guilt over it. Then carry out the plans you've already made for your future. You know what they say about putting on your own oxygen mask first...
I'm so sorry you are facing this. Until your daughter realizes she no longer has options she may never face her demons. You can't do this work for her much as you might wish to.
Thanks for your reply, too! That is why we established the "emergency fund" for her and did not ever offer to have her move back in with us after she left, and made it clear that once the emergency fund was gone, that is all she would get. Again, there is the guilt that goes along with "what did we do wrong?", and even though we know we did all we could, it is still tough to let go, and I do feel sorry for her and all the kids.
Thanks for your reply, too! That is why we established the "emergency fund" for her and did not ever offer to have her move back in with us after she left, and made it clear that once the emergency fund was gone, that is all she would get. Again, there is the guilt that goes along with "what did we do wrong?", and even though we know we did all we could, it is still tough to let go, and I do feel sorry for her and all the kids.
Thanks again.
Of course you feel sorry for them! You are not heartless. Unfortunately if you want to hear different music you have to change the record. Getting back to your original question; Maybe what you need is help clarifying what you did right, didn't do wrong and learning how to stare misplaced guilt in the face and let it go.
Last edited by Parnassia; 08-07-2019 at 11:55 AM..
Do you have the capability to go ahead and help her find her own place closer to you than she is now, as she wants, from the start? I am afraid if you let them in, and they are so overpowering in numbers to just you and your husband, you may never get them out.
It's time for the kiddos to be enrolled in school, and so need a stable place to live. I am thinking their own place from day 1.
Thoughts with you!
There is NO place within 20 miles of us that I think she would be able to afford, based on what little I know of her finances, unless she could get some kind of Section 8 housing. The kids are all in school, but -- and get this!! -- she has four pets living with her, including a pitbull (!!) and an emotional support dog for the oldest, the one who just made the suicide attempt. (Again, this is just an example of what I mean about one bad choice after another.) I truly am concerned for her kids, but I know that she has some kind of social worker. (Or at least I am almost positive she has one, given her circumstances and the fact that her brothers were placed with her, and I know that she had a caseworker in the past.)
And, yes, I have thought many times that her kids might end up in foster care -- although she has never abused them and takes care of them as well as she can, and loves them more than anything.
And, thank you and EVERYONE who has responded so far for at least giving me a "safe place" to vent and put my thoughts down to try to clarify my thinking!!
Tough love..... although you never mentioned loving your daughter. If you honestly don't love her then cut her off. She is an adult.
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