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I can think back to my early years when never quite able to make a connection with any of my classmates other than them being assigned by the teacher for projects and what not. I was always the last one chosen to team up in sports and quickly eliminated from the competition as I would be the first one to get hit by the dodge ball or strike out at bat. Rarely was I invited to hang out with others, and when I was, they would find some reason to go off without me - leave me sitting alone at the table for most of the night as they would always see someone else more interesting to talk to. This has continued into adulthood. The handful of times that I've been invited out to restaurants other people, they will leave the table for an extended period of time and then seem not very happy to return.
Thinking back a bit more, I must have been a real burden on my teachers. It's probably obvious by my often poor level of written and verbal communication that I was no good in school. I could not retain most of what was being taught. This is a huge daily challenge for me even today. You can show me how to do something and I'll forget how to do it right away. For me, practice does not make perfect, it makes me inconsistent. My brain simply forgets what to do from one minute to the next. Much of the time, I get by on luck alone.
It was around ten or eleven years old when I realized being different than everyone else, and I mean everyone. Even the kids labeled "special ed" had a better grasp of social interaction than I did. I was usually bored when talking to other people, and certainly I was boring to them.
Something was wrong and I knew it. That was the toughest part of being me. Not that I could be myself, because I've been never quite capable of that. I can't be my naturally slogging self in a fast-paced, real world, and that has always been my reason for withdrawing into my own imagination.
This is the best I can describe it for now since today is one of the "down days."
I have two answers. I was 20 or so when I first noticed something was wrong and that this was not how everyone else was living. Thinking back on it, I think I was 10 when the first signs of anxiety and depression first started showing.
What type of Meyers Briggs personality type are you?
You sound like an ISTJ. That personality type is prone to ruminating a bit and because of this the most likely of all 16 personality types to be depressed.
Nothing repels people than someone who is depressed...
I knew something was up when I was 9.
Diagnosed around 45 and got well very quickly.
I don't have bad days, cancer surgery and a heart attack last year , it didn't phase me.
People stay sick as long as they decide to.
I can think back to my early years when never quite able to make a connection with any of my classmates other than them being assigned by the teacher for projects and what not. I was always the last one chosen to team up in sports and quickly eliminated from the competition as I would be the first one to get hit by the dodge ball or strike out at bat. Rarely was I invited to hang out with others, and when I was, they would find some reason to go off without me - leave me sitting alone at the table for most of the night as they would always see someone else more interesting to talk to. This has continued into adulthood. The handful of times that I've been invited out to restaurants other people, they will leave the table for an extended period of time and then seem not very happy to return.
Thinking back a bit more, I must have been a real burden on my teachers. It's probably obvious by my often poor level of written and verbal communication that I was no good in school. I could not retain most of what was being taught. This is a huge daily challenge for me even today. You can show me how to do something and I'll forget how to do it right away. For me, practice does not make perfect, it makes me inconsistent. My brain simply forgets what to do from one minute to the next. Much of the time, I get by on luck alone.
It was around ten or eleven years old when I realized being different than everyone else, and I mean everyone. Even the kids labeled "special ed" had a better grasp of social interaction than I did. I was usually bored when talking to other people, and certainly I was boring to them.
Something was wrong and I knew it. That was the toughest part of being me. Not that I could be myself, because I've been never quite capable of that. I can't be my naturally slogging self in a fast-paced, real world, and that has always been my reason for withdrawing into my own imagination.
This is the best I can describe it for now since today is one of the "down days."
It's pretty common for an enormous number of kids to feel that they're "different" - and often they grow out of it, and very often the problem can be addressed by alert adults. There's no knowing from your post if things might have improved if someone had made efforts to teach you to socialize, or to participate in sports, or to work on your communication skills. I get the feeling that at some point you wrote yourself off and stopped trying.
When I was diagnosed with pstd, it didn't change the symptoms . The circumstance surrounding it was a series of traumatic events. Would take a year enduring it til help was sought. I knew I wasn't fairing well....it took further trauma that long year to finally hit a breaking point.
I still recall the day that I wrote out my 'shopping list' to get a gun ..and call it a day. I had zero irrational thoughts....I knew that it was the best thing for myself and those around me. I'd just 'vanish'. The rational part came about when I remember shouting... Good gravy I hate guns! Why would that be the way to go!!! So I picked up the phone...got a help#, and the next morning I was seeing a doctor. Fwiw, the medical field was indirectly involved in my trauma , so to even trust a doctor was a huge task.
Notice something was wrong?
My memory isn't the greatest but believe I have never been a happy go lucky sort of person. Teenage years and 20's - way behind the curve in socialization and dating and they weren't a great period in my life - to say the least. Never have really "caught up" to the norm in that regard.
As far as depression - likely in my mid 40's. Was a period of time where suicidal thoughts were becoming a very frequent thing and decided to see my doctor. Got on some medication that helps somewhat and my brother gave me his old light box for the seasonal depression.
Still have problems feeling much of anything much of the time. Fleeting moments of joy I can obtain once in a while.
What type of Meyers Briggs personality type are you?
You sound like an ISTJ. That personality type is prone to ruminating a bit and because of this the most likely of all 16 personality types to be depressed.
Nothing repels people than someone who is depressed...
I tested as INFJ and would rather repel than fake it all the time.
Notice something was wrong?
My memory isn't the greatest but believe I have never been a happy go lucky sort of person. Teenage years and 20's - way behind the curve in socialization and dating and they weren't a great period in my life - to say the least. Never have really "caught up" to the norm in that regard.
As far as depression - likely in my mid 40's. Was a period of time where suicidal thoughts were becoming a very frequent thing and decided to see my doctor. Got on some medication that helps somewhat and my brother gave me his old light box for the seasonal depression.
Still have problems feeling much of anything much of the time. Fleeting moments of joy I can obtain once in a while.
Have you been able to stay stable and hold down a job? If so, what do you say made a difference?
It's pretty common for an enormous number of kids to feel that they're "different" - and often they grow out of it, and very often the problem can be addressed by alert adults. There's no knowing from your post if things might have improved if someone had made efforts to teach you to socialize, or to participate in sports, or to work on your communication skills. I get the feeling that at some point you wrote yourself off and stopped trying.
Well, imagine your mom saying "you're going to grow up to be an 'old maid," and screaming at you for having dirt on your arms when it was actually eczema. Imagine your mom hating your hair and telling you that.
Imagine your parents living as roommates, sleeping in separated rooms - not really parents. Imagine them having no friends. Imagine not even their own family wanting much to do with them.
Imagine other kids not wanting anything to do with you because you "look like a r*tard with a flat nose, deformed ears, bags under your eyes, and hair on your back."
Imagine being the only black person (or white person), no siblings, in a neighborhood of old, prejudice people and young people who referred to you as the racial slur of the day. Plus, being smaller and weaker than everyone else did not help at all.
Imagine being actually good at nothing. Not even having a sense of humor or personality to make up for your faults. You might have tried to do many things in your life, but nothing ever motivated you. Not work, not hobbies, not friendship, not family (well, we know why that is), not anything.
Imagine everyone abandoning you because you cannot genuinely enjoy people.
Imagine hating the world for how you have been treated, and no one ever gave you a reason not to hate the world.
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