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Old 10-24-2020, 04:42 PM
 
7,244 posts, read 4,377,426 times
Reputation: 32227

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Venting.

I feel like I am going to burst some days. My husband just doesn't get it, his life has changed very little with this Pandemic. He used to work from home two days a week, now everyday he works from home. I used to off on Mondays and have the day to myself in my home. Other two days I would be home by 2:30pm and be home alone until 7pm.

I feel stifled. I miss my time alone. He doesn't get it. He takes it personally when I say I need time alone in our home. It is not like he bugs me. He is in his home office most of the day. I just embrace being alone in our house.

Last week on my birthday I told my son the best gift he could give me is time alone. Please take Dad somewhere for the day. Which he did. I had a wonderful day alone.

I love my family, but I need my time alone. My third son is now home due to unemployment due to the Pandemic. I just miss being home alone. It isn't the same if I just go somewhere alone. I love the solitude of my home.

So depressed...
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Old 10-24-2020, 07:39 PM
Status: "I have decided to be happy because it is good for my health" (set 27 days ago)
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
14,333 posts, read 10,435,818 times
Reputation: 50608
I think this is a normal reaction.

When my spouse retired, he was in the house ALL day EVERY day and it drove me mad. Worse, he would stand in front of me and pester me until I exploded. If I was watching TV while working, he'd change the channel. Five TVs in this house and he had to mess with the one I was watching. Fed up, I'd grab my purse, hop in my van and take off. Sometimes I wouldn't return for days.

But you're right: Leaving the house isn't the same. You just want your house solitude. I can't say I blame you.

Try talking to your husband again. Maybe it'll get through to him this time.
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Old 10-25-2020, 12:45 AM
 
Location: Southern California
11,259 posts, read 12,464,571 times
Reputation: 13337
I get it. I think most people like having the house to themselves. I rarely get the house to myself, but when I do, I do like it...nothing against fiance' whatsoever. He never gets this place to himself since COVID started. I also agree that going out somewhere alone isn't the same.

Well, I guess until they get a vaccine, we're all in the same boat regarding less (or no) time to ourselves!
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Old 10-25-2020, 12:46 AM
 
7,244 posts, read 4,377,426 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I think this is a normal reaction.
Thank you for that.

He just refuses to understand me. He just takes it personally and thinks staying in his office all day long is the same
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Old 10-25-2020, 06:16 AM
Status: "I have decided to be happy because it is good for my health" (set 27 days ago)
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
14,333 posts, read 10,435,818 times
Reputation: 50608
Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
Thank you for that.

He just refuses to understand me. He just takes it personally and thinks staying in his office all day long is the same
My spouse wasn't with me when the pandemic started. He didn't get here until six weeks later. By that time he had been out and about in the world quite a bit. Making multiple trips to Costco the same week, for example, instead of having groceries delivered.

I am high-risk, so I told him if he was coming back to Arizona he would have to live in our guest house for the duration. And so he has.

He doesn't like it. He wants to be in the main house with me. I start panicking every time I think about that. I like that he's not in my face all day every day, because I've seen what happens when he has unfettered access to me. He does not understand the concept of giving another person space. When he lives with me he expects me to be his Mommy. And that is entirely unacceptable to me.

We actually have a relationship of equals for the first time in 30 years because we each have our own inviolable space. But he doesn't see it that way.
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Old 10-25-2020, 08:33 AM
 
980 posts, read 554,099 times
Reputation: 2704
Boy, do I feel for you. I love my husband but when he was working, his job involved a lot of travel and I loved having the house to myself (and the kids but they were in school). Retirement has been an adjustment but fortunately he’s good with giving me “space”.

Will he not accept that you appreciate and feel better with some alone time and that it doesn’t mean rejection? It’s just a different personality type. Differences are ok. I honestly think most couples can have great relationships without being constantly together.

WishI had a good concrete suggestion for you.
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Old 10-25-2020, 08:51 AM
Status: "No, I don’t want an app for that." (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
45,401 posts, read 56,718,495 times
Reputation: 81906
I get it. I feel the same way.

My retired husband works part time, but is thinking of quitting. I’m worried about him being home all the time. When he is home, he does keep busy with projects, but some of those projects invade my territory. I’m grateful when he loads the dishwasher, but it irks me when he doesn’t do it like I do. He will do laundry, but he doesn’t separate, and he loads the washer too full. When he’s in the house he has the TV on all the time. I wouldn’t even care if we didn’t have a TV.

Bottom line though, is I remind myself that other women who have lost their husbands would gladly put up with a few annoyances if they could only have him back.
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Old 10-26-2020, 04:44 AM
 
7,244 posts, read 4,377,426 times
Reputation: 32227
Quote:
Originally Posted by CLfan1977 View Post

Will he not accept that you appreciate and feel better with some alone time and that it doesn’t mean rejection?
He thinks being in his Office all day long is the same as me being alone in the house.
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Old 10-26-2020, 04:48 AM
 
7,244 posts, read 4,377,426 times
Reputation: 32227
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
When he’s in the house he has the TV on all the time. I wouldn’t even care if we didn’t have a TV.

Bottom line though, is I remind myself that other women who have lost their husbands would gladly put up with a few annoyances if they could only have him back.
Having the TV on all the time would really bother me! Fortunately we have never been a "keep the TV on all the time family". I work on being grateful to have a spouse (and currently one of my sons) home and safe.
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Old 10-26-2020, 05:11 AM
 
7,244 posts, read 4,377,426 times
Reputation: 32227
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
My spouse wasn't with me when the pandemic started. He didn't get here until six weeks later. By that time he had been out and about in the world quite a bit. Making multiple trips to Costco the same week, for example, instead of having groceries delivered.
My husband is not as careful as I am either. I only go to the stores during the week, never on weekends. I go as soon as the store opens.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I am high-risk, so I told him if he was coming back to Arizona he would have to live in our guest house for the duration. And so he has.

He doesn't like it. He wants to be in the main house with me. I start panicking every time I think about that. I like that he's not in my face all day every day, because I've seen what happens when he has unfettered access to me. He does not understand the concept of giving another person space. When he lives with me he expects me to be his Mommy. And that is entirely unacceptable to me.

We actually have a relationship of equals for the first time in 30 years because we each have our own inviolable space. But he doesn't see it that way.
A guest house! Boy, you are fortunate to have one of those!

The Mommy part--it is odd to me that commonly as men age they become more dependent on their wives and women get more independent. I recently applied online to get my Senior Pass for the National Parks. With glee I told my husband, his response was, "did you get me one?". Just weird to me (besides the fact that he will not use the Pass to make it worth it, unlike me who will embrace it). If the reverse would have happened I would have said, "oh, let me do that too!".

I just wish he would once a week go somewhere for the day. When I met him 40 years ago, he was adventurous. I liked that about him. If I plan a day trip he would be more than happy to come along (not happening, he is not as happy go lucky as me on adventures)--but he never plans anything to go off alone for the day.
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