Would like suggestions for mental and physical health (depression, quit, spouse)

[rumi_thoughts]

I'm in a tricky (I think) time in life and would like some suggestions regarding mental health.

After working in a toxic cultural environment for several months, I started noticing I kept getting sick with flu-like symptoms that never went away. It began in late November 2018. I kept going to clinics that said I had the flu and once strep throat. Since I worked in a classroom setting with young children, I chalked up catching the flu multiple times to that and just did my best to keep going until I couldn't take it. I quit my job in April 2019, went to the doctor, described my symptoms, and my doc said it was Fibromyalgia. My doc did an extensive blood test and found my vitamin d was low (which it had been for years prior) and inflammation markers in my blood, but nothing else was out of place. She sent me to a rheumatologist who looked me over and said I had a mild case of Fibro. He advised that I work on it naturally (which I wanted) via exercise, better quality whole foods, and reducing stress. I started right away and immediately started feeling better but was never back to myself. I was able to forgo working for ten months, then ran out of savings. I looked for remote jobs and found three relatively okay, but I couldn't make them work. The first one I held onto for 4 months but was too exhausted and stressed to continue. The second and 3rd ones, I got through training, then had panic attacks (which I've NEVER had in my entire life -- I'm 48 years old) when it was time to stop training and do the actual job. My child (10 years old) is learning virtually from home due to COVID since August of 2020 and it's been difficult for both of us. Due to my child being home and COVID, I don't get to exercise as much as I did before the pandemic when she physically attended school, but still walk at least once or twice per day.

Anyway, my mental and physical health has deteriorated considerably in the past 7 1/2 months. I started taking 5000iu Vitamin D3 as of November, which has helped, but not enough. I am on edge and angry almost all the time. My memory is abysmal compared to what it was (which was excellent -- sometimes I cannot remember mine or my daughter's birthday, amongst other things). I often cry out of the blue and can't seem to manage everyday stressors the way I used to. I have more pain, which I understand is normal if one has Fibro (how the brain processes pain and all of that). My hair is thinning and falling out at the root considerably. I can't sleep through the night consistently. I've tried CBD, chamomile tea, bedtime teas, warm milk and melatonin, but nothing works consistently. I've been to my pcp several times, a neurologist, a rheumatologist, a cognitive study (which I did relatively OK on) and will see a new rheumatologist in June for a second opinion. I've taken several prescribed drugs that corrected one problem and added another or that fixed nothing and made me feel worse (I've never done well with prescription drugs my entire life, so I try to avoid them).

After self-diagnosis and online research (yes, I know that's bad - lol), I think there may be several things going on: Fibro, perimenopause, and depression. I'm at my wit's end and struggling to find solutions. I'm fortunate that my family supports my child and me financially, but I need to work and make money because that can't last forever (lol). I honestly don't know what the heck to do and would appreciate any suggestions. I'm stressed every day, which I'm sure contributes to my physical and emotional pain.

[citylove101]

Find a good therapist. You seem to at least have a handle on your physical ailments, but it appears that the problems really gettin in your way are psychological. You will have to research this by talking to your medical doctors as well as any friends or relatives in therapy. Do not be ashamed to do so! Don’t be turned off by any perceived stigma. Find a therapist who you can relate to us the most important thing. But find one. And give the treatment time. Therapy usually isn’t effective in less than at least three months IMO.

Good luck and hang in there.

[rumi_thoughts]

Thank you for your reply. Fortunately, I don't have counseling stigmas. I've been to counseling before but it's been over 10 years ago. It helped at that time. For some reason or another, I believe at this moment that it won't help, but that could be my stress and depression talking - lol. I'll find one and go back. Thanks again!

[stepka]

My first thought on reading the OP is that it could be a case of sick building syndrome and/or mold. This would cause the inflammation that you describe and also the mood issues and it could be your home or place of work and maybe since you're stuck at home with covid, that would be a good first place to start looking at. Also, keep in mind that with all the distancing and the changes we've been thru in the past year we're all suffering in our own ways and no one is getting out unscathed I don't think. Have you tried meditation? I have very little patience for it myself, but it does help a lot for focus, among other things.

[rumi_thoughts]

You may be onto something with sick building syndrome or mold. During the summer of 2018, I was diagnosed with Pleurisy via an emergency room visit. I attributed it to mold in my home that I didn't realize was there at first (certain window sills, parts of the bathroom, etc.). I've cleaned it up and have tried to keep it that way, but I'm inconsistent due to memory issues and overall fatigue. I will re-check the windows. The bathroom, I'm constantly spraying with bleach. Thank you.

[judd2401]

That's the issue. It is just plain destructive to people who experience their environment that way. It can be a no win scenario for those who have no other path to take, many people are in employment situations where they feel helpless and hopeless for change. There's no easy solution. I was having a morning conversation yesterday with a colleague and we were commiserating about how the corporate world has taken over medicine and how much it has been corrupted during our careers. I'm actually glad to be retiring because I've struggled with the "toxic cultural environment" for years and have struggled to finish out my time so I can financially retire with my spouse without going hungry. But facing the stressful pressure-filled, dog eat dog work place has taken it's toll on me. I'm hoping and praying once I retire, I can get some of the peace back in my life, but sometimes the damage is irreversible. I'm on the doorstep right now, but I get physically sick when I think about going to work, and having to face off with who those who I have come to see as adversaries, people who ask me to do, say and document treatment to suit their own needs. It can't be over soon enough.

So what to do about it? There's no easy solution. Since I have obligations and can't just walk out the door never to return, as much as I would like to do that, I have carved out spots in my day that help me cope, and that's different for everyone. Staying within the boundaries of work expectations, I have found ways to escape my own thoughts by listening to music, cleaving to others of like minds, avoiding those who push my buttons, making sure I dot my eyes and cross my T's to avoid harassing phone calls, conversations and evaluations, find humor, take short walks, use my stand-up desk, put comforting pictures in view, etc. Having a life outside of work is so important but so difficult when you're miserable but you have to focus on your loved ones, and spend time doing things outside of work that you enjoy, regardless of how little time you have to do it. And the "red line" is always out there, and I keep telling myself, if it comes down to my health, physical and mental, where I believe I'm in danger, I can always walk out, and find an alternative way, and I've done it 3 times over my career, but this is easier said than done depending on your job and the responsibilities to support your family. There's always a price to pay.

I've learned over the years that it's never the final stop. I left my first job after 8 years because I was having palpitations and was living a life full of anxiety, I went back to school and got more training so I would be qualified for other jobs, then I left my first new job after 15 years because they outsourced my dept and I felt I had to make a move and I did. I left my second job after 10 years because I was being used and abused for the sake of the "corporation", you were expected to do whatever it took to make money even at the sacrifice of your well being and your personal ethics. And my final job is ending after another 10 years where I'm surrounded by a juvenile, disrespectful, jocular "brotherhood", which I was never allowed to partake in because I was a medical professional and highly educated, considered almost an enemy.

So is retirement my last stop? I doubt it. I will be on another unknown path dealing with a whole host of new experiences, issues to solve and most likely medical problems as I get older. Everyone is on a journey, and you have to find ways to carve out enjoyment in your everyday life, despite how toxic it may be. Self directed meditation, prayer, exercise, nutrition, getting enough sleep, avoiding excess alcohol/sedatives/drugs, cleaving to family, seeking out like minded co-workers, put comfort into your environment, etc., are some of the things you can do to help yourself but life can be a real challenge depending on your situation. But I think many of us are very familiar with what you're talking about when you use the term "toxic cultural environment". I can remember early on in my career when the cardiologist said "your job is killing you, the solution is change if you want to live." Wow! What a statement to make, but he was so right. Thank goodness I had the wherewithal to make that change. Many don't have that opportunity. So being thankful for what you have can also be a saving grace when you feel trapped and hopeless for change. And keeping in mind that when you envy what others have, you may have no idea what they are going through. As the old saying goes, "be careful what you ask for, you may get it!"

[GuruChicken]

Stress definitely causes physical problems, it caused me to have an autoimmune disease and it was a few months of h*ll.

Menopause caused me many of the symptoms you're having. Insomnia, shortness of breath, hair fall, crepe skin, memory issues, highly emotional, I felt awful. I went on the HRT patch and feel great now.

Another thing to consider and a complete shot in the dark, if you have breast implants by chance look into Breast Implant Illness. A friend has them and she's going through many similar health issues and is looking into having hers removed. Some people react badly to the silicone and other chemicals in them. You can do a search on YouTube or Fb.

I understand how scary it is not knowing what's going on with your body. I hope you find the cause soon!