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No family is normal...we all have our "stuff". My mother is a diagnosed narcissist who would leave me(at age 11)and my brother(5) for weeks at a time while my father was in the military, run off with men, spend all the money on clothes because she did not feel like doing laundry...you can fill in the rest.
I do not talk to her anymore. It has been 5 years since I spoke to her and I do not miss her...I miss the dream of the mother I never had...does that make sense?
Over the course of this process, I realized no family is normal, it's just people don't want to talk about it. Maybe it is too painful, too embarrassing, but people are very guarded about their true family dynamics.
One of the biggest hurdles is coming to terms with the fact that to some extent, everyone has craziness in their closet and you are not alone. We all just have to hope we run into the folks who are willing to share their experiences.
But then what's the point of reproducing if it's just going to continue the cycle of pain? Like I just don't get it...
But then what's the point of reproducing if it's just going to continue the cycle of pain? Like I just don't get it...
I have wondered that myself and I guess it is the hope that we will do a better job than our parents.
My situation was pretty extreme and I know not everyone could relate to that, but I think we can do better. My husband and I do a better job with our children than our parents did and we have to strive to do better.
But then what's the point of reproducing if it's just going to continue the cycle of pain? Like I just don't get it...
The cycle won't continue, you will break the cycle with your offspring, (if you choose to that is), which means there is basically nothing 'to get'. We brought our kids up vastly different from our parents and we have a good, close family who are free to express themselves and interact with us as parents at any time they choose. They are adults now but the offer is always there.
mrstewart quote:
[I miss the dream of the mother I never had...does that make sense?]
Sure does! This is 100% correct!....what could have been, but wasn't to be, so just carry the dream around with you. I never connected with my old man but I do exactly what mrstewart said....I can dream, and the dream is mine and mine alone.
Enjoy the rest of your life, it's yours and yours alone to do what you want with.
I don't know how you feel about religion, but many churches offer counseling for free or very little...and not all of them will *force* their particular denominational beliefs on you...if that makes sense. You might check where you are in school, and see if there are any groups such as Baptist Student Union, Reformed University Fellowship, Intervarsity Christian Fellowship, United in Christ,etc.
Perhaps someone with one of those groups can guide you to a caring place for you to get help locally.
good luck to you...adn give your self a great big ole hug YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
You have a great advantage than many others--You know something was very wrong and aren't in denial. So many people live their whole life thinking things were okay or even good. You're young,t oo, so you have alot of time to get things better for yourself. Keep searching for the right therapist--someone you have rappour with and trust. Anyone willing to look into their family dynamics in depth deserves a reward, or award!! Good luck to you.
But then what's the point of reproducing if it's just going to continue the cycle of pain? Like I just don't get it...
You will make sure you do not do what your mother did to you. You will think before you act so you do the right thing, and you will not over-criticize a child, but sit down with them and explain. If they don't like it, that's too bad; you've done your part. And you will give the child lots of affection. You will tell them when they're wrong, and you will tell them when they're right, in a constructive way without tearing them down. Just criticize the behavior, not the person.
At this point, I really don't want to have a family. I have a godchild on the way (less than a week), but I don't know if I would be a good parent doing it all on my own.
I want you to know I am adopted. My adoptive parents were pretty Ward and June Cleaverish...very good people COMPARED to my birth family!!! (which I found in 97) WAY after I had a child.
There was mental illness, addictions, abuse, you name it in the birth background.
BUt I guess environment won out...I don't seem to have *passed* any bad genes. And had I known my biological history before I had a child, I still would have wanted children. I will not live my life based on the past.
Look at it this way...if you are informed and aware enough to know that how you were raised was wrong, You CAN break the cycle.If you armed with knowledge and inner fortitude, are aware and want to be a better parent, then IMO you could. Dont' give up on parenthood because you are afriad of the past. Confront that past, and make the present work for you...a clean slate!
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