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Hi - my 93 year old mother in law confided to the family she has been depressed for a while but we only noticed a change in her behavior and attitude recently - she must have been hiding it very well. I believe she feels her time is near but will not admit that is the problem, she is very vague about what is bothering her. Her health has been very good but her eyesight , hearing and taste buds are not well and she is finally admitting she cannot do the things she used to do. The Dr. has prescribed an anti-depressant. My question is - other than being there for her, letting her talk when she wants to, etc. is there anything else we can do. She is eating, but I don't think very much. She does not want to leave the house - she says 'just in case something happens' and has been very focused on making sure we know where her insurance card is, and knowing what her funeral wishes are. If you have experienced this in an elderly person and have any ideas please let me know. Thx bunches!
Make sure someone takes her along for a while It is very important to get out the house, fresh air and sunshine are great mood elevators. Just be sure she feels like whoever she is with could handle the 'emergency" she is worried about; I suspect she is worrying she will fall, have a stroke, or heart attack when out. Take her to church, take her to see friends, take her out for ice cream!
She's facing reality. She knows she doesn't have much time left, at 93, who would? Let her discuss her fears, don't dismiss them. she's right, you do need to know her information, such as where her insurance card is, her final wishes, etc.
She would probably feel better if she knows she's been heard. Let her discuss this, reassure her you have her information and know her wishes. Perhaps discuss a "disaster plan" someone she could call in an emergency who has all her information, medical records, insurance information, etc? Perhaps a Life Alert?
She's facing her reality, you need to as well. Discuss it, reassure her she's been heard, then get her out of the house for lunch, shopping, a drive, something. She's not gone yet!
The family has discussed her wishes with her and know where all her papers are. We have her funeral instructions typed up and since we take care of ordering her medicines, doing her financial things, we have all that information already.
We have spoken to her about her fears and concerns but that does not seem to help. We know her time may be near and don't dismiss this with her so it is not that either.
We have tried to get her out of the house but that is the problem, she does not want to go out of the house any longer - 'just in case something happens'. We had her over for dinner last night but she just wanted to go home.
Location: Prescott Valley, Az (unfortunately still here)
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I've noticed this in a lot of elderly people in the town I live in. The old people here are very cranky, mean, and seem to have attitudes like they don't want to be bothered with. And don't want to help either (like my neighbor. He's getting very cranky and such. I asked him the other day, if he could give a ride into downtown Prescott Valley. I didn't have a car at the time. He used to love giving me a ride when I needed it. Well, on this day he was like, "No! I don't want you ever coming here". I was like, "Whoa! Where did this attitude come from?!"). I found out that his health is getting bad and he might sell his house and move into a nursing home. He lived in Prescott Valley all his life.
Sometimes not wanting to leave the house can be a sign of other problems along with depression, like agoraphobia, panic disorder, etc. If she has been on an anti depressant for several weeks and there has been no improvement in her symptoms, a call to the doctor or a return visit is in order. I would talk to her doctor about your concerns as well, and see what suggestions they have. Sometimes they can be a huge help- especially if its a doctor they have had long term.
Also, not wanting to leave the house can be a sign of incontinence. This is a common problem with the elderly and they hesitate to discuss it. Try tactfully suggesting she discuss it with her doctor, or perhaps you could call her doctor and suggest they discuss it at her next visit.
This reminds me of my grandmother who when invited for dinner wouldn't move further into the house than a chair placed by a window next to the front door. She also lamented that none of her friends were alive anymore though she did speak daily to her neice who was ten years younger.
I've seen depression in elderly relatives who needed hearing aids and updated glasses. You might want to check on this. Your mother may also like one of those canes with the multi-foot to assuage any fears of falling. You could too provide her with small home make meals that she can heat up. They often don't have much of an appetite and can rely on chesse and crackers, or popcorn instead of receiving proper nutrition.
You may want to consider seeking counseling from her, ideally from a counselor or social worker who specializes in geriatrics. A few sessions could really help.
I would continue encouraging her to go out. Try to get friends and family to visit more often, too. I would also consider taking her to an eye doctor and a hearing specialist if she is having trouble in these areas. New eyeglasses or cataract surgery can do wonders...so can $25 hearing amplifiers from Radio Shack. Ditto the above poster who suggested incontinence may be the issue...I have seen plenty of people stop going out of the house if that becomes a concern.
You say her health has been very good. Being 93 does not mean she is at death's door. We have volunteers at our local senior centers who are in their early 90s and still drive, are in great shape and are very active. If she is blessed with good health, that is no reason for your mom or anyone else to start thinking it's time to go. Yes, this could be a sign of something, but it may very well just be an poor mindset and/or symptoms of depression. Kudos to you for wanting to help her!
Best of luck.
Thanks everyone for your input. She already has hearing aides and her eyesite cannot be corrected at this point ( I forgot what degenerative disease she has). We have brought meals over but cannot be sure she eats. My hubby ate with her yesterday and I made her eat today while I was there. I think I'll have the family make a meal or two and bring it to her house and we can eat together. She seems to like having people come to her house so maybe that will help.
She just admitted that she has had diarrhea fell twice yesterday so that is adding to her health concerns. With her lethargy, lack of appetite, & diarrhea she is off to the Dr. tomorrow even though she said she won't go. Wish us luck getting her to the Dr.
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