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movin on, I didn't read all the posts, so I want to know how your friend is now, a couple of years later. What did you do about him, and is his wife still in the picture?
I say selfish. They put themselves in situations that create the cravings for the substances. After all, if you go to work, go home, go to the gym...where is the alcohol? Ah..yes, in the bar...where you physically have to make A CONSCIOUS choice to go there to get the substance!!! You don't have to go to a store, have the groceries delivered, you don't have to pass bars, make routes that stay away from liquor stores, and bars. You can eat at places where they do not serve alcohol, or not go out at all if you don't have the self control.
The substance of choice makes them sick. The selfishness comes in when their pride tells them they can handle what they're using, and they stop caring about hurting themselves or anyone who cares about them.
So the answer is that addicts are selfish, sick and in need of help; sometimes they need help you are not equipped to provide. That doesn't mean you stop caring about them, and caring about them does not equal helping them stay stuck in their addiction.
Very true..... but I want to save this person alot of time, energy, and heartache....... there is nothing you can do and I tell you this from years of experience. Addiction runs rampant in my family.
You can care about this person, but do it from a distance. You cant make them get the help they need, and to try would be futile. Just be glad that you dont have to live with, be around, and deal with the fall-out of this persons addiction evryday. If your a religious person, pray for them. Justn dont get wrapped up in their whirlwind.
I hate hearing about the effects on loved ones . . .how come a stranger can care more for what a loved one is going through than the addict? I think that says something serious about character.
If it's a "disease," it's a disease of character (which I think is what AA says, i.e., "defects of character") . . . I wish family members and friends were considered more in the literature and in society . . .so much havoc on the families and so little acknowledgement other than to attach a label which pathologizes family members - "co-dependent" . . . as if watching someone destroy themselves is somehow an innocent family member's fault - "they" say it is a "family disease." No, it is an addict/alcoholic disease and when they stop drinking (which they decide to do or not), then the "co-dependents" all of a sudden get better . . .go figure . . .
Last edited by imcurious; 07-15-2011 at 09:13 PM..
To give someone the truth without compassion and/or love, is cruelty. To do so with tact and consideration is best when possible.
I don't know about the addict, but here's what that "book" says about alcoholics;
Alcohol is the Great Persuader, for it finally beat me into a state of reasonableness. It also talks about pitiful incomprehensible demoralization.
A person gets willing to seek help from drinking booze. When a person comes to find their own behavior objectionable, then they will seek change. But if they're doing bad stuff and their life is a tornado, something's got to give. Either they should leave people be and go on their way or those who have to deal with them should do something to avoid this tornado. What though? Take them on a picnic... far far into the boondocks, bring them lots of booze, and leave them there. Wow, sounds like a chapter for the Alanot book.
Addicts have long ago burned out loved ones...we get sick of their constant BS.
To preserve oneself, it is best to remove yourself from interaction with such people. Not always easy; for example, if it's your child. I do know a woman with a crackhead son, who, before his impending release from juvy prison at the age of 18, sold her house, packed up and moved to a distant town and had her old neighbors swear to secrecy as to her new whereabouts. She just wrote him off as a complete loss, and I admired her for that. He'd been smoking crack and stealing everything she owned since he was 12 years old, and it is unlikely that he would ever change. I've seen too many parents go into old age broke and in sorrow, hoping that their offspring who doesn't give a rat's behind about them will wake up and change someday.
But the answer to the question is probably both. They are sick AND they are selfish. Self-centeredness and the inability to care about other people is a constant characteristic prominent in all addicts/alcoholics. Often they are still that way even after they choose sobriety and were before they adopted their addictions, although I have met a few people who have worked very hard to make structural change to themselves and through that have learned to be compassionate and less selfish members of society.
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