husband cheating over in Iraq (credit, enlist, soldiers, civilian)
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Heck yes he is lonely and not just because he is overseas. The poster who alluded to two sides has it right. Women marry and are hot for two years till they have the two kids and then shut it down except Christmas and Valentines weekend. Some guys put up with it and some start looking elsewhere. Lawyers got adultery on the books as a divorce angle for their interests.
Wow. Someone is a little bitter and creatively reading way too much into the original post, huh?
And its Christmas, Valentine's,AND Birthday, and Anniversary. Get it right.
OP - best to just get started with the divorce and not try to involve the military if you don't have to. Divorce proceedings are messy as it is. You can go ahead and get the papers started yourself. Find a place to stay and meet him somewhere public like a restaurant/coffee shop where you can sit down and go over things. (because of the abuse issue). If you have no kids and no disputes over assets see how simple and fast you can get the papers done and signed. Choose your battles - if finalizing the divorce is the most important thing then keep that in mind when going back and forth over terms of the divorce.
OP, follow others advice when it comes to leaving the chain of command out of it. I was in a similar situation as you. I had CONCRETE, tangible proof of adultery and his CO didn't give a s h * t.
The only reason I even contacted them was because he wasn't taking care of his responsibilities (our child). I asked them to persuade him to follow Army regulation. They also gave me the run around. I thought Army leaders were supposed to lead by example. Maybe he was, and had his own personal dirt going on therefore didn't want to punish his NCO, who knows.
Regardless, let the law/courts deal with his issue. They are much more effective. When you have a court order in place, even the military will have to heel.
If your husband is abusive, you should leave him. As far as the credit card charge for a dating website, how do you know that is his? It wouldn't be the first time someone had an unauthorized charge on their card! I'm just wondering how much free time someone has in Iraq to be using a dating website!
If your husband is abusive, you should leave him. As far as the credit card charge for a dating website, how do you know that is his? It wouldn't be the first time someone had an unauthorized charge on their card!
That is a point worth looking into - but if this is his usual pattern of behavior it is probably true. But you do make a good point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ms.rain
I'm just wondering how much free time someone has in Iraq to be using a dating website!
When my husband was deployed to OEF he worked a lot of hours but they had plenty of time also to hang out and watch movies and play video games. In fact, he bought himself an XBox when he got back b/c he enjoyed using the one one of the guys brought over. I think it depends on his job and where he is.
If she calls law enforcement (in the stance of abuse), wouldn't the CO find out anyway? I was simply offering OP a way to get help for herself and even for her husband. And possibly, she could have kept her family together with a little intervention from the CO. This could be work stress or some other form of stress (PTSD) playing out at home.
As for the mechanic and other professions you listed, the military is a completely different set up and I suspect you know this already. Spousal abuse isn't just a marital problem.
You're missing my entire point.
If abuse is present, call the law and get help, the chain of command comes second. If emotional or marital counseling is needed, the spouse can get it without the chain of command needing to know. If the solider needs it, the command will be told by the expert. If finance is a problem and the soldier won't get help but the spouse will, the same thing applies.
Systems are in place to help spouses AND soldiers, but "calling the CO" is just plain wrong. Use the massive support structure, but leave the command notification to the solider seeking help or the experts who deem it necessary to bring it to the command.
And no, I disagree that when it comes to most common, non-violent, non-abuse issues and the soldier vs. some other occupation. This is my personal opinion after seeing what happened to the military members, both male and female, who got the shaft because a spouse with a twisted sense of entitlement dropped half-truths on the command. I know in the civilian world you don't call the boss because you think someone is stepping out on you or diverting cash. The same should go for military spouses, but no, they drag their drama into the mix. It rarely ends well.
The only thing that matters here is that he is abusive and you are afraid. You shouldn't live your life in fear and put up with abuse. Leave and get help... and a lawyer.
I am very confused,My husband is in Iraq.He's been there for a year. I got our Bank statement and it said perfectmatch.com which is a dating site. It also show he pay 60.00 dollars to be a member on it. Mind you he's coming back in two weeks. My family says he did it cause he was lonely. Me and him got into a fight a few days back and i was telling him how i want our realationship better when he comes back. He does this when we get into a fight he talks to girls online he's done it two other times before.He was abusive before he left and the reason we got into the fight was cause im scared to go back to him. Just last week i saw some money gone from our account he western union someone money he still never sent me the tract number. what can i do what can the army do to help me since he's coming back? i want to leave him what can i do to proceed to go on i want him in trouble. i have the proof also and i dont want him to have bah on my behalf. Someone please help!!!!!!!!
Oh boy. You married a jerk. Sometimes you don't find out about it until WAY after and sometimes you realize your mistake right away. Either way, this is not a person you need to be with anymore and the sooner you move on and get a divorce, the sooner you will be able to regain a semblance of normalcy and find someone who will treat you right. There is no reason for cheating..."feeling lonely" is not a good one. The military has a saying that's been around far longer than Las Vegas' use of it..."what happens when you're TDY stays TDY." That is bullcr#p. Someone inclined to cheat will do so whether they're "lonely" in the desert or living life in suburbia. Someone inclined to cheat just needs an opportunity...the reason doesn't matter. He WILL cheat on you again and if you allow it this time, you'll allow it again.
Since he is in the military, you have a few things you can do that aren't available to other women in your situation. First, if the term you used..."abusive" means what we think it does (physical violence), he needs to be turned in immediately to his chain of command. Especially if you have proof. That is not tolerated in the military and especially in light of so many people coming back from the desert with serious psychological problems, someone who started out unstable will be watched VERY carefully upon return.
Someone else mentioned the JAG office. They cannot help you with a divorce but they can give you some advice and referrals. And if you are comfortable, talk to the chaplain. Also the family support center.
The BAH should end when you divorce, but I've known people who got divorced and they continued to received BAH for nearly a year. It caught up to him eventually and the finance office took it all out at once. IMHO, your husband getting BAH is really the least of your problems.
Finally...you need to start putting some money into an account of your own. Especially if you make your own money. If you have a joint account, he can clean it out and make life very difficult for you. Turn off the computer and get yourself to a bank immediately. Do NOT make him a co-owner on the new account. Also...once you file for divorce, keep a vey good record on the expenses and spending that is done on the account you have now. If you have a joint charge card, he can max it out and leave you with 1/2 the bill. Doesn't sound like he would have a problem doing that, so you've got to think of your future. A bad credit score in this day and age will mean you will have a very hard time getting an apartment, a car loan, credit cards, etc.
It sucks for you right now but it will get better. The best thing you can do for yourself is to end the marriage. He's not a good guy and he's not going to get better. Be happy that you found out about it now (and it doesn't sound like you have kids).
The OP posted and left. I wonder if she even read any of the advice. Sounds like a bit of a hot mess.
I was just about to write the same thing. She sounded very "young".
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