Where can a gay guy find friendships? (Minneapolis, Duluth: transplants, homes)

[degrassigeneration2009]

I have lived in Minneapolis for three years and so far I havent met any friends. People in this state seem alot bitchier and simply stuck up. I am gay and was wondering if its possible to find friendships in Minneapolis and if so where could I go?

[Min-Chi-Cbus]

I've heard this state is slower to warm up to new people than other states. I'd join a group or two in say the Uptown area. There are a lot of transplants around there and anyone in a social group is probably looking for the same thing you are. It's pretty much a sure thing.

[uptown_urbanist]

When you refer to yourself as a gay guy, does that mean you're looking for gay friends, or are you just throwing it in there as general description? As far as general friends of all backgrounds you go about doing that the same way as anywhere else -- try volunteering, join some meetup groups, etc. It's true that the state has a reputation as being harder to crack than others (mostly because the overall percentage of recent newcomers is smaller than some places), but there's certainly plenty of people out there looking for friends. It sounds like whatever you're doing now isn't working, so maybe try something radically different; if you are already volunteering then change the place or type of work you're doing, if you're religious then join a church or temple or mosque, etc. (I'm not at all religious and am not a member anywhere, but I know of a lot of churches in the Twin Cities that have a lot of agnostic people, and sometimes even outright atheists, as their members). If you have the time, consider looking for a part-time seasonal job, ideally at a store or business you like and where the other employees seem like they're also nice; I've met a lot of people through work, and with the holidays approaching there should be shifts available on weekends or evenings. Community education classes can be good places, too. Or learn a language, then meet up with fellow classmates or language learners to practice and hang out. In any case, don't give up hope -- there are nice people out there.

[tijlover]

The Twin Cities are very relationship/marriage-oriented cities. At least, that's the way I saw it in my 21 years there. Everyone seemed to be hooked up to someone and a lot of indirect pressure to hook up with someone.

And, if caught in between relationships, it could get very lonely and frustrating out there.

I'm sure there are avenues to explore to find friendship there, and best luck to you!

[theprincefan]

I don't know if you're looking for gay friends, *** hags, straight friends, etc, but I agree that Uptown is a good place to be. It's fun to go to drag shows at Gay 90s (you'll have to excuse the name)--very mixed crowd. I'm from Los Angeles, and it does take a while for people to warm up to you here. In LA, I was able to find instant friendships, but out here, it's taken a long time. I like it because of the job market in my sector and it's a good place to bring up kids (I have two). Good luck.

[Bennie Flowers]

Wow. Three years and you haven't made any friends. Gee, this gives me more hope to make friends..

Did you know that there was a library that was directed towards the gay demographics? Honestly, go there and check it out. I was going to go there for research for one of my sociology projects but decided not to because I was not familiar to the area. The place is called: Quaterfoil Library.

I'd go there and maybe strike up a conversation. Honestly, I don't know what to say about meeting friends. It's TOUGH. Especially when you get to be a young adult. Many individuals usually have friends from highschool, sometimes college depending on where you went. Many people are also trying to settle down, many are in serious relationships and some are just starting families. I would definitely go to more stores and public places that have a higher population of gay individuals.

Good luck. [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]

[Astron1000]

Have you checked into joining the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus?

How about the Minnesota Philharmonic?

Maybe the Freedom Band?

Howzabout One Voice?

If music isn't your thing, then maybe Naked Minnesota?

How about volunteering for Minnesota Aids Project?

Or Outfront Minnesota?

There are dozens and dozens of Gay Minnesota organizations that you can be a part of.

It just takes YOU to be a part of them. So what are you waiting for???

[Duluth07]

Before I get into this, I want to say that everyone is different and your experience might be a lot different from mine. But I lived downtown in Minneapolis, within much of the gay male community and I couldn't stand it. Also realize that this isn't just a 'Minneapolis' issue, it's an issue of discrimination and classism within the gay male community that implies that if you aren't rich, if you don't have a doctorate, and if you don't wear $500 sweaters you aren't worth talking to.

The thing is, most gay guys who come to Minneapolis are very, very highly educated, because there are so many high-tech corporate headquarters in Minneapolis. Most of these men are from other large, progressive metro areas in the US (very few are actually from Minnesota or from small towns). Generally they aren't interested in staying in Minneapolis either, it's a stepping stone until they can get promoted to a higher place in their career. So what you will see are a lot of guys who define themselves by their achievements and successes, which is certainly something to be proud of, but a lot of them use it as a weapon against other gay men who they think aren't good enough to talk to. It's very apparent at any gay gathering place (bars, coffee shops, etc) because the first thing they do is look at your clothes and other external things that suggest either you have money and are 'somebody' or not.

It's very ironic, to me, that the essence of coming out used to be a statement of accepting all differences and acknowledging that those differences is healthy and liberating. Only to come out and move to the larger 'gay' cities and find yourself rejected, this time by the very people you waited an entire lifetime to find. It's an extremely dark time for many of us (this is, in my opinion, where a lot of gay men experience addiction, suicide, and give up because when you felt like straight society wasn't a safe, accepting place and then discover that gay men are even worse, then what? Most of us don't have the tools to figure out what to do next or how to work through that). I had zero trust or interest in being around gay men for that very reason.

I'm not saying you can not find friendships with other gay men but you just need to realize that 1) gay men only make up less than 10% of the population. Even in a large city we are still a small community of people who, because of these small numbers, move often because frankly we get sick of seeing the same people over and over and over. 2) this is where your social skills come into play: the reason why the gay community is so fragmented is because we don't trust each other. Until we appear to be stable, trusting and interested in each other's well being, things won't change. Unlike other minorities, gay men won't go to a gay function unless they know what the other guys look like and how old they are. No other minority group has that kind of selfish, narcissistic personality, and that's why visible minorities are well-equipped to gather, organize and achieve. We don't know how to do that.

You just have to give it time. It is different for everyone.

[mjjs]

Dear DegrassiGeneration2009:

I have to say that although what Duluth07 said is sadly true for the mainstream gay community, it isn't necessarily true for the Bear community, and that's why it exists. You don't have to be a big and/or hairy guy to hang with us, but just be yourself. Jerks abide everywhere, but if you want to socialize, be yourself and not have to worry about your income/pedigree/fashion-sense/waistline or knowledge of showtunes or other b.s., check out the North Country Bears website (www.ncbears.com). Go to coffee with the guys on Wednesday evenings at Lily's on N. Central Ave. in Mpls., and just get out there and meet people. There are so many NC Bears-sponsored events (and other non-"official" activities) in town, you're bound to make some friends if you're kind and respectful. I was in the same boat as you a number of years ago, and as I was just coming out, it took all the courage I had to even go to coffee with the guys. I've since gone camping, tubing down the Cannon River, motorcycling, mini-golfing, etc., and to tons of other events ranging from the wild and fun (Bear Runs and Bear Bar nights) to the relaxing, just watching football with the guys at one of their homes or having a backyard barbeque.

The bears welcome you for just who you are... and yes, again, there are wackos and aloof people among them - a cross section of humanity - but like I said, if you're a good person and respect others, you'll do just fine.

Hang in there brother!

[southernnaturelover]

Duluth07, unfortunately the gay community is like that in many cities, you should meet some of the ones in Atlanta . If you're not a little 19 year old "twink" than you'd better drive a new BMW and wear $200 shoes.