MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Rea: Home Depot, to live)

[jps]

Two couple were playing poker one evening. John accidently dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "did you see anything you liked under there?"

Suprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to asses the financial and moral cost of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband works Friday afternoons and john doesn't, John should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday came around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual Bill came home from work at 6 pm and upon entering the house asked his wife abruptly, "did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With as lump in her throat Sue answered, "why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "well, yes, in fact he gave me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back!!!"

[jps]

A man came home from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby
if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun
to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I
lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Mercedes I
bought for you. He paid for your season football tickets. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even
pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him back up before he catches cold."

[Darlynn0217]

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on! and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[Darlynn0217]

Now I lay me Down to sleep http://bestsmileys.com/sleeping/9.gif (broken link)
I pray the Lord My shape to keep. http://bestsmileys.com/exercising/13.gif (broken link)
Please no wrinkles http://bestsmileys.com/expressions/1.gif (broken link)
Please no bags http://bestsmileys.com/eyes/5.gif (broken link)

And please lift my butt http://bestsmileys.com/mooners/1.gif (broken link)

Before it sags.

Please no age spots http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/6.gif (broken link)
Please no gray http://bestsmileys.com/hat/4.gif (broken link)
And as for my belly, http://bestsmileys.com/exercising/2.gif (broken link)
Please take it away. http://bestsmileys.com/scared/8.gif (broken link)
Please keep me healthy http://bestsmileys.com/medical/4.gif (broken link)

Please keep me young, !http://bestsmileys.com/family/14.gif (broken link)

And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done.
http://bestsmileys.com/religous/6.gif (broken link)

[Darlynn0217]

DOTHETEST

[kareybear]

Originally Posted by Darlynn0217

DOTHETEST

I got the number right but didn't see that Very Funny

[Darlynn0217]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida .. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Missouri .. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

[stepka]

Whew, it took me a couple of days to get thru this, but I'm ROTFLMFurryAO. Specially liked the bear and preacher one. Here's my favorite:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice the light had changed. The bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled Jesus Christ as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, Go, Jesus Christ, Go!! Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled at all those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there, because I could hear him shouting something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed and looked at each other, giggled and told me that was the Hawaiian good luck sign. I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like mother something. Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they were walking from their cars toward me. I bet they wanted to pray but just then I noticed that the light changed, and I stepped on the gas.
And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there, leaned out my window, gave them a big smile and held up my Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[tambre]

SON OF A ***** FISH!
The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a *****!'
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a ***** fish!'
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a *****!'
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a ***** I've ever seen'
'Yes, it is a big Son of a *****. What should I do with it?'
'Why, eat it of course! You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a *****!'
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a ***** I caught!'
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a ***** fish!'
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a *****?'
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a ***** for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a *****', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
'What are you doing Sister?'
'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a ***** for the new Bishop's Dinner'
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a ***** Fish.'
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a ***** can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a *****.'
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
'I caught that Son of a *****!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a *****!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a *****, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said,
'You ****ers are my kind of people!'

[Versatile]

Don't mess with Aunt Karen:

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot
in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did
your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.