MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Cave: spring break, appliances)

[HMcD]

Two opposing county chairmen were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, “I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, ‘Vote Democratic.’”
His opponent said, “I have a better scheme, and it doesn’t cost me a nickel. I don’t give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, ‘Vote Democratic.’”

[HMcD]

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from one subject to another and finally to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way—’Take a clean dish and...’”

[HMcD]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

[ShadowCaver]

Originally Posted by HMcD

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

Too funny... And on that note,,,

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines of the men. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

[ShadowCaver]

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A lady arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Catholic."

"Go to room 34, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A fourth man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Protestant."

"Go to room 15, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

[northbayeric]

Those are outstanding, thank you both! I'll have to get in here and try to come up with some. Maybe some more corny puns as well as regular jokes!

[Nomadicus]

How to tell the difference between men and boys? Usually boys remember dates....

[ShadowCaver]

Originally Posted by northbayeric

Those are outstanding, thank you both! I'll have to get in here and try to come up with some. Maybe some more corny puns as well as regular jokes!

Oh please no, you butter not!!!

[Northwoods Voyager]

10 Dog Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny ... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

[Nomadicus]

Now I know why I have multiple cats and one dog...