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Ray & Bubba (Arkansas Mechanical Engineers)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,'
said Bubba, but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse,
loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket,
took a measurement, announced,
'Eighteen feet, six inches,'
and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government...
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I
would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but
there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but
she was to emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl
but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl,
but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart
ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and
took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking
for a girl with big hooters.
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah...
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet, it's still on my desk, sorry.
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello, I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it!
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah! Thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah that one does work
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti virus programme do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti virus programme.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Programme Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
__________________
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow..
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... It creates a hostile work environment.
Yikes Caution - They walk among us...
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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
***They walk among us!!***
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'
***They Walk Among Us!!***
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned....
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce.
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blond), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
Two blonds are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blond says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blond hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´* :-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
THIRD DEGREE
A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head..
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blond replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
A blond was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?' The blond replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
A 0 Bambi, a blond in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware '
Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blond ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
A young man, shipwrecked on a small, deserted island, found an old oil lamp sticking out of the sand. He picked it up, and looked at it, thinking, "Wouldn't it be cool if there were a Genie in here?" He knew that Genies did not exist, but figured he had nothing to lose, so he dutifully polished the lamp.
To his amazement, an enormous Genie emerged from the lamp in a cloud of smoke. The Genie announced, "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. In accord with the customs and principles of my profession, you are entitled to precisely three wishes. Wishes will be granted in accord with the laws of the State of California, and any claims, disputes, or disagreements relating to the wishes shall be resolved by binding arbitration applying California laws."
"That's weird" said the man,"I never thought a Genie would sound so much like a lawyer."
"But I am a lawyer, " replied the Genie, "I am both a lawyer and a Genie. You should be aware that, for every wish you make, I will not only grant your wish but will grant every attorney in the world double what you wish for. "
The man didn't care much for attorneys, and he wasn't sure what to make of the Genie, but what was the worst that could happen? He decided to take the Genie's offer, and make his wishes.
"I wish for fifty million dollars, " he said. As money poured down around him, the Genie reminded him that every attorney in the world had just received one hundred million dollars.
"My second wish is for a luxurious mansion, more stunning than Versailles, fully staffed and furnished with fine antiques. " The ground rumbled, and a mansion slowly rose from the earth. It was astonishingly beautiful. A butler approached him with a tray of fine food. He ate hungrily, thinking, "It really can't get any better than this. "
But then the Genie reminded him, "Every attorney in the world just received a mansion twice as nice as this one. "
The man thought carefully about his last wish. He appreciated what the Genie had done for him, but it burned him to think that the attorney who had botched his divorce case had fared even better. And there was the attorney who had stolen from his mother's estate. And wasn't the President an attorney? The man shuddered, realizing what people like that could do with this kind of wealth and the power it could bring. And it was then that he made his final wish.
"I really want to give something back to society," the man said. "I wish to donate one of my kidneys for transplant.
A good friend sends me news of back home once in a while. Here are some of his choice headlines;
A fellow here 'bouts died the other day and left his entire fortune to his wife. She can't touch it, however, until she turns 15.
The local town made drinking illegal for anyone under the age of 32. Seems like they intended to keep alcohol out of the schools.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion burnt down. It was a total loss. Not only that, the fire took out the entire trailer park.
Local movie goers are coming to the theater in groups of eighteen or more. When asked, one replied, "We were told that 17 and under were not admitted".
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've
been having.
All these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand
in front of a mirror,
Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that? '
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
__________________
** Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
** Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
** The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
** If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
** If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
** It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
** The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
** Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
** If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
** Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
** Always drink upstream from the herd.
** Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.
** Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.
** If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
** Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
** When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
** When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
** Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
** Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.
** The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
** Never miss a good chance to shut up.
__________________
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