MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Cave: pharmacist, maintenance)

[Christian Missouri boy]

There was two old dollar bills. One was a $100 dollar bill and the other was a $1 dollar bill. The $100 dollar bill said, "I've lived a good life. I've been to the amusement park, the theater, the zoo and baseball games."

"Wow," said the $1 dollar bill. "You sure have had a good life."

"Where have you been?" asked the $100 dollar bill.

"Oh, I've been to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Lutheran church and an Episcopal church."

The $100 bill said, "What's a church?"

[ShadowCaver]

Driving down a rough Ozark road the other early evening, noticed that we was following behind an ambulance. It hit a series of ripples/washes going up a hill, and evidently the driver didn't realize but a cooler fell out of the back - he kept going. Well, we stopped, got out, and went over to where the cooler had done landed. Looking about, finally we found what had been in it... a toe. Not knowing what else to do, my buddy decided to call for help on his cell. I overheard him calling for a toe truck.



[yea ok, this does not go so good when written as it does verbally... ]

[Versatile]

If you receive an e-mail

from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat

tinned pork

because of

swine flu....


ignore it.



It's just spam.

[HMcD]

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton back'.

[Versatile]

Blonde, in a Financial Crisis


A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap
a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a
tree and wrote a note:

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the
money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park at 7AM."

Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park, and to her great relief,
found the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she
had instructed.

Inside the bag with the cash was the following note:

"Here is your money. But I just cannot believe that one blonde would
do this to another."

[misplaced1]

LOL @ the blonde joke

[Versatile]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" @ Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.
__________________

[Versatile]

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My John Deere Lawn Tractor wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[Versatile]

Will I live to be 90?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, Or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,....'Then, why do you even care'!!!!

[misplaced1]

One can only hope there isn't someone out hunting up a popsicle stick and the duct tape now.