MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Washington: Valentine's day, pit bull)

[HMcD]

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.” Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?” Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.” Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?” Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,…… and I didn’t land.”

[Versatile]

Computer Terms For Rednecks
BACKUP: What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG: The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE: What your pit bull dun to cousin Jethro.
CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH: When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.
FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ: How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM: What ya do when the grass gets too high.
MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK: Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE: Where you stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM: Where the pope lives.
SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT: A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear
__________________

[Versatile]

We ain't as dumb as you think
A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transactionhas worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City , can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
His name was… BUBBA…

[Northwoods Voyager]

A man is trying to cross the road in rural Missouri, somewheres near Rolla, me thinks. He starts across when a pickup comes barreling over the hill (Ozark Hill, that is) and looks to be coming straight at him. The guy walks faster, trying to get across the road but the pick up changes lanes and is still coming straight at him.

The hillbilly turns around to go back, but yep, here comes that same ol' pickup. By now the truck is so close and the guy is so scared, that he just freezes in the middle of the road.

The pickup gets closer, then swerves at the last minute and screeches to a stop just beside him.

The man sees a squirrel behind the wheel........After rolling down the truck window, the squirrel looks at the guy and says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

[Darlynn0217]

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried A fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic ticket letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.



Men . . .

[Darlynn0217]

THE NEW HEALTH COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs
to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these
expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with
him."

[Versatile]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is.....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Found Dead

[Versatile]

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!
If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:



The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.



The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.




The NAVY would sweep and mop the floor, take out the trash, turn out the lights, and lock the doors.


The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building

[Versatile]

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies
obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing
left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play
your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain,
the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable
tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before
taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the
phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement
between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt
very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how
badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out
and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and
miss every green. The next day you go out and for no
reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the
'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent
is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously
it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.





David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger
and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with
someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when
you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
__________________

[firebll31]

An oldie, but still my favorite:
Wife to Husband- Great news! Pack your bags, I just won the Lottery!
Husband- That's wonderful! Should I pack for cold weather or warm
weather?
Wife- I don't care- just get the hell out!