MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Louisiana: tenant, military)

[Versatile]

Make sure to get your story straight
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately
known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it
past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry
and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before
finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to
go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make
it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final
then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and
explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went
up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but
that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They
did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however,
for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

[Versatile]

Going first is NOT always best
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking trough a citypark
and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke.

The Genie says, " I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give
each of you just one".

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the
Sardinia, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
topless."
poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a
Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.

"You're next", the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says," I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
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[Versatile]

Sometime the answer you get is not the one you want
A man is having trouble with his business.
Whatever he tries, nothing seems to work.
Exasperated, he goes to church to ask for an advice.
Preacher tell him: "All the answers are in the Bible, my son. Just open it and you'll see an answer to your problem".
Businessman follows the advice - he goes home, opens his Bible and the first thing he sees is: "Chapter 11".
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[Versatile]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll
be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS


If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[Versatile]

How to wash a Toilet..
This was simply too much of a time-saver not to share it with you!

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom...

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. (You may need to stand on the lid!)

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.




Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

[Versatile]

Marriage Perspective
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette





After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry




By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates



Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous




The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Dumas



I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud




'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous





'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison




'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra



Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra




The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash



You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous



First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous
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One Man's junk is another Man's Treasure!!
WNYTractorTinkerer is online now Report Post Reply With Quote

[Versatile]

Oh to be 6 again!
This is is hysterical!!


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her
Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the
mirror.

On the morning of her
Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and
then took her to Six
Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything
there was.

Five hours later they
staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down.


He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate
shake.


Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being six again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong!!
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[Versatile]

The Bible & a Haircut..
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father
if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal
with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your
Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses
had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long
hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"

[Versatile]

Cannibal joke
A frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.
The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that
we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat
you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he
says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him
a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows
his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs
and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing
himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's
blood gushing out all over, it's horrible!

The chief is appalled, and asks, "My god almighty, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your canoe!"

[Versatile]

Be precise in what you wish for
Two men were sentenced for 20 years to be in a single room with only one
wish in each 10 years.

The first man asked for as many books as he can put in his room, so he can read these books in next 10 years alone.

The second one was a smoker as a habit. He asked for enough quantity of cigarettes for next 10 years.

After giving the books and cigarettes, guardians closed and locked their doors. 10 years later it was the time to ask to the prisoners for their second wish for last 10 years.

The first man asked for books again and a reading-glass. Then, they opened the door of the second prisoner and found him with all cigarettes and he was insane.

They asked him for his second wish for the following 10 years.

"Lighter !!!...Lighter!!!" he said with a screaming voice.
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