MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (California: limousine, club)

[Versatile]

Daddy, How was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"


The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.


Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my
hard drive.


As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used
a firewall,

and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little
'Pop-Up' appeared !

[Versatile]

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND
MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL
HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."

The FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT
THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T
MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY
PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

The BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING
WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M
SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE
HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

[Versatile]

Thanksgiving
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;

forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they’re getting divorced," she shouts, "I’ll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
__________________

[Versatile]

You may be Taliban if...
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[Versatile]

Comments Made in 1957 - Amazing!

Go back to 1957

Thought you might like to see these!!! Comments made in the year 1957:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $5000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

[Versatile]

The FBI interviews
Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters.

The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses.

Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent.

"Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair."

[Versatile]

Man & a woman in sleeping compartment
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[Versatile]

It's a worm
Granpa and grandson were sitting on the front porch one evening. There was a earth worm crawling around. granpa says to the grandson he will give him $10.00 If he can put the worm down in its hole. the kid runs into the house gets some hair spray stretches the worm out sprays it then sticks it into its hole .. Granpa says whooo. and pays grandson $10.00. the next night they are sitting on the pourch again granpa pull a $10.00 bill to pay the granson. granson says granpa you paid me. granpa says OH this is from GRANMA..

[Versatile]

Strange 'Questions':

Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright

What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?

What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

[Versatile]

Strange Questions That Will Always Remain Unanswered.

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

4. Is there another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?