MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Kansas City: sales, apartment)

[da jammer]

Well I reckon I will start it off Since this particular forum is dominated by some very funny and witty ladies I have no choice but to toss out some manly man type stuff. Yes you may print this out and stick it on your fridge



Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
It cannot be changed so like the Beatles say....Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.....EVER.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a serious problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us, we call it like it is.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing is wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n231/jammer_this/angelflappingwings.gif (broken link)

[ShadowCaver]

lol, good one da jammer - btw, I've a spare couch in Indiana if need to get that far away...

Going along, and adding a twist to relate more for Missouri in conjunction w/ my trying to collect silly laws/regulations:

Missouri Laws
* Single men between the ages of twenty-one and fifty must pay an annual tax of one dollar (enacted 1820).
* It is not illegal to speed. [unfortunately, that one was repealed ]

City Laws

Buckner
* In this small town of only 4,000, yard waste may be burned any day except Sunday.

Columbia
* One may not drink in a bar between 2:00 and 6:00 AM.

Excelsior Springs
* Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.
* Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated.

Kansas City
* Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely.
* Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited.

Marceline
* Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.

Marquette
* It is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to occupy the same dwelling (The Brothel Law).

Mole
* Frightening a baby is in violation of the law.

Natchez
* It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.

Perryville
* It is illegal to throw stones at birds in the city limits

Purdy
* Dancing is strictly prohibited.

St. Louis
* It's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.
{This law refers back to the extinct Italian celebration, Hill Day, when beer was served in buckets.}
* A milk man may not run while on duty.

University City
* No person may own a PVC pipe.
* No person may have a "yard sale" in their front yard. In addition to this, no person shall have more than two yard sales a year.
* Houses may not have lights on them that shine into the window of a neighbor's house.
* It is illegal to request for someone to "watch over" your parked car.
* One may not honk another's horn.
* Four women may not rent an apartment together.

[da jammer]

c'mon kids I know we have some closet comedians around here! Oh and ShadowCaver...:


Excelsior Springs
* Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.
* Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated.



http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n231/jammer_this/spitsoutdrink.gif (broken link)

[GinaBean]

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

[Lake Junkie]

Q: Do you know what Amish women fantasize about?

A: Three mennonite.

[G4inMO]

Not a joke, but interesting.....

I Can Read this. Can You?

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too


Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.


I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The
Phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the Olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit
Pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a
Pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
Istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
Slpeling was ipmorantt!

[Lake Junkie]

Hey...I like the idea of this thread...laughter is good medicine!
Here's my 2 cents:


The Value of a Drink

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

[Lake Junkie]

YOUR HOUSE...AS SEEN BY...

YOU...
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y234/janetbezz/StockPhotos.jpg (broken link)

YOUR BUYER...


YOUR APPRAISER...


YOUR LENDER...


YOUR TAX ASSESSOR...
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y234/janetbezz/Mansion.jpg (broken link)

[arjr]

Here is a slightly modified classic!

A city fella walks into the country Docs office with a duck on his head.

The Doc says what can I do fer ya, son.

The duck says, hey Doc, can you cut this wart off of my by posterior!

[ShadowCaver]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in all of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, <insert curse word(s) of choice here>!"

However, in one region this was quite different. In the Ozarks it was found that 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"