Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (cinema, film, action)

[Ralph_Kirk]

Gorgeous visuals.

The "sexual tension" and dialog between the main characters was 80s puerile. I think the last time that kind of thing was tried was between Hally Berry and Pierce Brosnan in "Die Another Day."

Throw some "Avatar" Navi in, 'cause we all have "feels" for beautiful, childlike, girlish, lithe, peaceful races cruelly put upon.

Waste John Goodman and Ethan Hawke. But I think it was probably Rihanna's golden movie moment...such as it was.

Space suit armor with female cups. Really.

And the blonde white woman is always the most prized creature in the galaxy, desireable to all beings no matter how alien. And somehow she mostly played damsel in distress most of the time. Complained about it, but there she was...damsel in distress.

Huge freaking plot holes. Biggest one: How in the world did the bad guy know what he knew?

Look, I'm usually entertained by most movies the critics don't care for. I'm like the wino who thinks Boonesfarm is pretty good. But when the wino spits out a wine, you know it's garbage.

I seriously considered walking out of Valarian.

Maybe it was supposed to be a parody, though. Or a broad farce like "The Fifth Element."

Nah, I think it was supposed to be James Bond in space.

But if so, it failed that, too.

[Suburban_Guy]

Wow, bad review

I'm all about visuals but only to a point I suppose. The plot looked really thin and weak in the trailers.

[Aredhel]

I agree with you, Ralph_Kirk. Gorgeous visuals, horrible storytelling, wooden leads completely lacking in chemistry. The visuals were so stunning I wanted to like it, but no.

[Ralph_Kirk]

The dialog was incredibly horrible. And then the ship computer spending minutes (felt like minutes) telling the leads things they should have learned in elementary school, and then the leads telling the bad guy all the stuff he did as a bad guy...as though he didn't know and after they had showed the audience a flashback. My wife was saying, "They just showed us this. And he already knows. Why are they telling him what he did?"

So much frigging narration.

[Iconographer]

Originally Posted by Aredhel

I agree with you, Ralph_Kirk. Gorgeous visuals, horrible storytelling, wooden leads completely lacking in chemistry. The visuals were so stunning I wanted to like it, but no.

In other words, another Avatar.

[Aredhel]

Originally Posted by LovinDecatur

In other words, another Avatar.

No, Valerian makes Avatar look like a cinematic masterpiece. Avatar is Citizen Kane compared to this, it's that bad.

[Ralph_Kirk]

Originally Posted by LovinDecatur

In other words, another Avatar.

While Avatar was clearly "Dances with Wolves in Space," at least they copied a story that basically worked.

Valerian simply had no worthwhile plot. After half an hour or so, it was clear that the director also knew they had only about 20 minutes of any plot at all, and delayed getting to it as long as possible. "Let's just throw stuff at the audience really fast so they don't notice!"

And something I always hate--narrative exposition telling the characters things they are already supposed to know. The ship computer spends what seemed like minutes explaining Alpha station (the center of the galactic federation) to the heroes--something they certainly should have gotten in training if not in elementary school...and that the audience had already gotten in the first five minutes of the movie.

Then we saw a flashback of the bad guy's evil deed...and had to sit through the heroes telling him all over again the evil that he did. Everyone in the room already knew all that. Just shoot him or knock him out or tie him up...meanwhile there is a bomb about to go off.

And that's another thing that annoys me. Fake suspense created by the heroes wasting time on dumb stuff (like flirting) when they know there is a bomb ticking.

And I really can't get over how atrocious the dialog was. It was a 13-year-old boy trying to write James Bond.

What they did have:

Imagine a baby from Jabba the Hut and Princess Leia. That was John Goodman's role.

They also had the offspring of Jar-Jar Binks and a Ferengi. As triplets.

Rutger Hauer was actually pretty good doing Rutger Hauer for the few seconds he was on.

Herbie Hancock as the Defence Minister...besides somehow not really having more rank than the "Commander," why did he wear eyeglasses?

Hey, I kind of liked Passengers. At least I like Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence. But Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne just don't cut it. They had zero believably in the roles and had zero chemistry together.

At no point did their romance feel real nor did they ever seem believable in the action.

I think this movie has been saved in its first weekend by the fact that most of the critics who will see it have been occupied with Comicon.

[FluidFreedom]

I plan on avoiding this one. The trailer did nothing to make me interested. The reviews have killed it for me. Sorry Luc, but I haven't enjoyed a movie of yours since The fifth element and before that Leon,Point of No return/La Femme Nikita and the Big Blue were really the only movies I enjoyed.

[Ralph_Kirk]

Originally Posted by FluidFreedom

I plan on avoiding this one. The trailer did nothing to make me interested. The reviews have killed it for me. Sorry Luc, but I haven't enjoyed a movie of yours since The fifth element and before that Leon,Point of No return/La Femme Nikita and the Big Blue were really the only movies I enjoyed.

There are apologists for this movie who compare the poor reception of this movie to the poor initial reception of "The Fifth Element" and predict that like "The Fifth Element," it will one day achieve cult status.


I don't think so. I enjoyed "The Fifth Element" from the beginning, and the initial criticisms of "The Fifth Element" were not prosaic complaints about casting, story, pacing, acting, et cetera.


"The Fifth Element" was a science fiction broad farce that caught people by surprise if they weren't expecting a science fiction broad farce told with a straight face. Not expecting it, they initially rejected it.
But "The Fifth Element" didn't have the basic problems of a bad movie. The pacing was dead on target, the casting was perfect, the acting was perfect. It was always a good movie.

[Mark S.]

People keep telling me what a great filmmaker Luc Besson is. I have seen several of his movies. They are seeing something I am not.