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I agree it's a safety in numbers thing, just like high school. Some moms think that if they orchestrate every move for their kids, including their friends, they can make them popular and protect them. And then once they have their little group, they can't even be bothered smiling at a newcomer, which is flat out rude. I think it's worse with the moms of girls than the moms of boys.
One good thing to do is try to find your kid some other activities outside of school, even church etc., so your kid realizes that life doesn't revolve around their school. Also, there are a lot of working moms who don't participate in this garbage, they are too busy working and having a life of their own. And hey, kids make friends at those afterschool programs anyway
Yes, it seems to be all about making their kid popular...and I agree it's worse for moms of girls. However, doesn't everyone know that academics (doing well in school, setting the right priorities) and character are more important than being a popular cheerleader?
Luckily we have found some other activities (non-school sports, church, music) so we don't have much time for the playdate culture anyway, and I agree this is the way to go. I also think it's important to make your child feel happy being independent, not always having to be in a group. But that is just me...I find it really hard to schedule my life around other people and their kids (playdate culture) rather than keep the kids close to home and finding their own passions. Nonetheless, it has not been easy as not fully immersing oneself in the playdate culture can mean the kids are left out a lot, too. But yes, I do remind myself that working moms don't have time for this either...and I know a lot of super nice kids with moms working that have no time for social climbing, either.
Yes, it seems to be all about making their kid popular...and I agree it's worse for moms of girls. However, doesn't everyone know that academics (doing well in school, setting the right priorities) and character are more important than being a popular cheerleader?
Luckily we have found some other activities (non-school sports, church, music) so we don't have much time for the playdate culture anyway, and I agree this is the way to go. I also think it's important to make your child feel happy being independent, not always having to be in a group. But that is just me...I find it really hard to schedule my life around other people and their kids (playdate culture) rather than keep the kids close to home and finding their own passions. Nonetheless, it has not been easy as not fully immersing oneself in the playdate culture can mean the kids are left out a lot, too. But yes, I do remind myself that working moms don't have time for this either...and I know a lot of super nice kids with moms working that have no time for social climbing, either.
Thanks, again!
We've had really good experiences with summer day camp too. It's so good for the kids to meet and hang out with different kids in the summer (the one we go to draws kids from many towns). Also, you can do ones for your kids' interests whatever they are.
it is interesting to see snuffy vilify this "playdate culture" because she prefers not interracting with other people.
Give her a break, sounds like she does plenty of interacting. She never villified playdates, just the whole clique thing that can happen at elementary schools with the moms. If you read her first post on the topic, you see where she is coming from.
In fact, she tried to interact and be friendly and a lot of the moms ignored her because she was new and wasn't in the group. That happens. It's like high school sometimes.
In fact, she tried to interact and be friendly and a lot of the moms ignored her because she was new and wasn't in the group. That happens. It's like high school sometimes.
i dont think that is a mean spirited thing, its just easier to talk to people you already know. so when you are new to a group, you have to make more of an effort to talk to people or you get lucky and the people are more comfortable engaging new people.
im just seeing a bunch of ladies who like getting together and watch their kids play being talked about as if its a bad thing and i think thats kind of strange. all the sudden you want to meet new people and you are part of an evil "playdate culture" and you arent independent and free thinking.
i dont think that is a mean spirited thing, its just easier to talk to people you already know. so when you are new to a group, you have to make more of an effort to talk to people or you get lucky and the people are more comfortable engaging new people.
im just seeing a bunch of ladies who like getting together and watch their kids play being talked about as if its a bad thing and i think thats kind of strange. all the sudden you want to meet new people and you are part of an evil "playdate culture" and you arent independent and free thinking.
I agree, I think I wrote that somewhere, that it's more likely that they just can't be bothered than they are being mean.
The cliques are real though, whether they are mean-spirited or not. But it can be hard for newcomers when their kids feel left out because of it and the groups feel closed (which they are sometimes).
And of course, there is no excuse for not even acknowledging someone's existence when you pass them with a smile or a nod or whatever. That's just rude, but it's definitely an NJ thing so it's better to just get used to it.
And of course, there is no excuse for not even acknowledging someone's existence when you pass them with a smile or a nod or whatever. That's just rude, but it's definitely an NJ thing so it's better to just get used to it.
you say hi to people and they dont say hi back? the only thing i can think of is they dont expect it so by the time they realize it they are already past you or they just werent paying attention.
the only people who id expect to do something like that would be the orthodox jewish people i see sometimes. sometimes im walking by them and i feel like they dont even want to acknowledge other people's existence.
you say hi to people and they dont say hi back? the only thing i can think of is they dont expect it so by the time they realize it they are already past you or they just werent paying attention.
the only people who id expect to do something like that would be the orthodox jewish people i see sometimes. sometimes im walking by them and i feel like they dont even want to acknowledge other people's existence.
Correct. And I wouldn't say they "didn't notice" as we are talking about Kindergarten pickup with only say 15 moms. They are too busy ensuring they are talking to the "right" group.
I do think it's a NJ thing as Ann says, or a dynamic amongst cliquey upper class moms. The books on the topic like "Queen Bees and Wannabees" seem to indicate the dynamic is real, not just perceived. Ann's suggestions on how to handle it are helpful.
Last edited by snuffybear; 04-20-2011 at 11:07 AM..
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