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you need balance in order to keep yourself happy. i work so i wish i had more time with my kids. my wife is with them all day. so i understand that she wants to do her "mommy night out" and other things. its great for me because i get to spend that time with just my kids and she gets a break.
but i dont see work as necessary part of that balance (for me). id be very happy to drop work from the equation.
Does anyone regret spending too much time with their kids?
I have seen plenty of SAHM who clearly could not handle their kids and looked miserable. I think they are probably regretting spending time with their kids. Realistically, taking care of a kid is like a job. Some people will love this role and be great in it, some will be a disaster.
And when a kid turns 1 to maybe 1.5 most women take them to various activities, a lot of them paid. Especially in a winter where they can't spend a lot of time on the playground. Every mommy and me class costs something. Take 3 - 5 of these classes per week and you can almost pay for good day care.
My wife stayed with our son until he was seven months old because she was laid off. At first she loved it but then she got really bored. When a recruiter called, she took the job and we hired a nanny until my son started walking. With my daughter, she stayed for three months since she was employed.
Ultimately, if this country had civilized parental leave policies there would be nothing to discuss. In most European countries, even the UK, the parental leave is at least a year. Most of the leave is paid but that varies from country to country...
I'm surprised at the amount of heat the OP is getting. I think day care is actually good for young kids, helps them get socialized, they learn and pick up things from kids that are older or more advanced, learn to share, etc. My 2yr old absolutely LOVES day care, he's running around and playing w/ the other kids 90% of the time he's there. He's not bored like he is when home w/ just us parents w/ the same toys and books. He craves being around other little people haha. The kids actually spend MORE time with each other than with the teachers at day care. At 2yrs old, the ratio of kids to teachers is 6:1, the teachers are NOT raising these kids, it's more about supervising them during play and activities. He's learning to draw, fingerpaint, watching butterflies hatch, celebrating classmates' birthdays, playing indoor kiddie soccer, decorating gifts for mothers/fathers day, dancing, doing sing a longs, coloring, etc.
As for the hours the OP is working, this is the stage in their careers where they have maximum earnings/career potential where it will set them up to be in a great position for the rest of theirs AND their children's' lives. This stage is very fleeting, it's very difficult to advance once you get past a certain point/age, and your career can plateau or very well decline. Finance might be lucrative, but do you know how unmarketable you are and difficult it is to get a job if you're a low or mid-level employee in your 40s competing against the young guns willing to work for cheap? You have to find a balance, it's not about making money to buy nice cars. Cost of private college will be well north of $200k by the time their kids go to school. It's about providing a nice comfortable home in a good town for your family. Living in the NYC metro area is extremely expensive as you all know, "just move to NYC" is a pretty ignorant statement. "Just wait to have kids" is also an ignorant statement considering the risks in pregnancy go up exponentially when women are over 30 and especially over 35. "Just move to a cheaper area", "just find a job that's closer and with better hours" etc all show naivete as well.
And I think it can be argued that children who experience social environments like day care are probably better adjusted when they eventually go to grade school than those that are home alone w/ their mom (or dad) all day every day. I agree it's not the perfect situation to have your kids in day care for 8-10hrs, but again it's about finding the right balance and figuring out what's the best for YOUR situation. On weekdays my wife and I see our boy for 1.5hrs in the morning and 3+hrs in the evening, we feed him dinner, give him a bath, play, and put him to bed every single night. He cant wait to go to school in the morning, and can't wait to come home w/ us in the afternoon. Obviously weekends are entirely just for us. There is zero confusion with him about who his parents are and who he loves and who loves him.
I'm surprised at the amount of heat the OP is getting. I think day care is actually good for young kids, helps them get socialized, they learn and pick up things from kids that are older or more advanced, learn to share, etc. My 2yr old absolutely LOVES day care, he's running around and playing w/ the other kids 90% of the time he's there. He's not bored like he is when home w/ just us parents w/ the same toys and books. He craves being around other little people haha. The kids actually spend MORE time with each other than with the teachers at day care. At 2yrs old, the ratio of kids to teachers is 6:1, the teachers are NOT raising these kids, it's more about supervising them during play and activities. He's learning to draw, fingerpaint, watching butterflies hatch, celebrating classmates' birthdays, playing indoor kiddie soccer, decorating gifts for mothers/fathers day, dancing, doing sing a longs, coloring, etc.
As for the hours the OP is working, this is the stage in their careers where they have maximum earnings/career potential where it will set them up to be in a great position for the rest of theirs AND their children's' lives. This stage is very fleeting, it's very difficult to advance once you get past a certain point/age, and your career can plateau or very well decline. Finance might be lucrative, but do you know how unmarketable you are and difficult it is to get a job if you're a low or mid-level employee in your 40s competing against the young guns willing to work for cheap? You have to find a balance, it's not about making money to buy nice cars. Cost of private college will be well north of $200k by the time their kids go to school. It's about providing a nice comfortable home in a good town for your family. Living in the NYC metro area is extremely expensive as you all know, "just move to NYC" is a pretty ignorant statement. "Just wait to have kids" is also an ignorant statement considering the risks in pregnancy go up exponentially when women are over 30 and especially over 35. "Just move to a cheaper area", "just find a job that's closer and with better hours" etc all show naivete as well.
And I think it can be argued that children who experience social environments like day care are probably better adjusted when they eventually go to grade school than those that are home alone w/ their mom (or dad) all day every day. I agree it's not the perfect situation to have your kids in day care for 8-10hrs, but again it's about finding the right balance and figuring out what's the best for YOUR situation. On weekdays my wife and I see our boy for 1.5hrs in the morning and 3+hrs in the evening, we feed him dinner, give him a bath, play, and put him to bed every single night. He cant wait to go to school in the morning, and can't wait to come home w/ us in the afternoon. Obviously weekends are entirely just for us. There is zero confusion with him about who his parents are and who he loves and who loves him.
A very rosy picture you have painted. The very shade one observes when looking through rose-colored glasses.
Everything here is opinions, and of course most people are of the opinion that the way they are doing things is, by definition, peachy. Their egos depend on it, so there is no changing their mind. That's why so few people take any sort of advice from anyone, even when it's correct. Some people are of the opinion that it is an utter disgrace to drop off a 2 year old at a day care center. They don't believe a child needs to be socialized at the age of 2, and that "socialization" is, in reality, dumping the child in a mob of other abandoned children. They also believe that there will be long term damage to the psychology of that child.
Now obviously, you, being someone who drops off their kid to institutional care every day, is never going to believe that interpretation. You will defend your way of doing things to the death, because the alternative would be to believe you are intentionally or neglectfully hurting your children. Which you will never admit to, even if it's true.
So, we come down to a disagreement. And we live in a free country. So people must be able to do what they want, and cherry pick the research and opinions that support their decisions. People embrace their own insanity, as we can see when we pass a hospital and observe health care workers, including surgeons, smoking on the sidewalk.
I have seen plenty of SAHM who clearly could not handle their kids and looked miserable. I think they are probably regretting spending time with their kids. Realistically, taking care of a kid is like a job. Some people will love this role and be great in it, some will be a disaster.
Lots of people can't handle their kids (or choose NOT to, I think is more like it) and look miserable. SAHP or otherwise. I don't know that means they regret spending time with their kids? Some days are easy and everyone is having a good day, other days can turn to heck before breakfast and not get better until that kid(s) are in bed & sleeping.
Parenting is hard work, it IS a job. It can be mind-numbing at times & there is NO instant gratification. Days can be long, the years fly by. No "good job, mom/dad" pats on the back/performance reviews or paychecks at the end of the week.
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And when a kid turns 1 to maybe 1.5 most women take them to various activities, a lot of them paid. Especially in a winter where they can't spend a lot of time on the playground. Every mommy and me class costs something. Take 3 - 5 of these classes per week and you can almost pay for good day care.
Those classes even start at an infant level. I think the point of them is more for the mom to get out and make "mom friends". There's always one in the bunch, however, who everyone else wants to smack upside the head. Her 2 month old is a genius; started sleeping through the night at 3 days old, never cries (until right now, apparently) says "mama" (but only when no one else is around).
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My wife stayed with our son until he was seven months old because she was laid off. At first she loved it but then she got really bored. When a recruiter called, she took the job and we hired a nanny until my son started walking. With my daughter, she stayed for three months since she was employed.
Different strokes for different folks, right?
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Ultimately, if this country had civilized parental leave policies there would be nothing to discuss. In most European countries, even the UK, the parental leave is at least a year. Most of the leave is paid but that varies from country to country...
The OP would still be looking for childcare, but for a one year old as opposed to an infant.
Oh Lord, my daughter was born in late August. It was in the 80s and 90s her first month of life. At least three old ladies admonished me for taking her out without a hat. Not a sun hat, she wasn't in the sun, just a hat because all babies need to have on a hat.
My son was born in North Carolina in the summer during a heat wave. The air conditioning wasn't really adequate.
I'm surprised at the amount of heat the OP is getting. I think day care is actually good for young kids, helps them get socialized, they learn and pick up things from kids that are older or more advanced, learn to share, etc. My 2yr old absolutely LOVES day care, he's running around and playing w/ the other kids 90% of the time he's there. He's not bored like he is when home w/ just us parents w/ the same toys and books. He craves being around other little people haha. The kids actually spend MORE time with each other than with the teachers at day care.
I worked at a daycare center when I was taking post-grad classes at the state university and going through the "Alternate Route" to get my teaching certificate. I needed a place, no school in my area would hire me other than my local public schools (nothankyou), to "student teach". The daycare hired me & the state approved. I was ONE of FOUR employees (the Director and Assistant Director & Kindergarten teacher were the others) who had an undergrad degree. I was told that I was going to be put in one of the pre-k 4 year old classes, starting out as an assistant, then moved up to head teacher b/c one of the two pk4 HT's was about to retire.
I ended up in the infant room for close to a year- but the infant room had a state education approved "curriculum". /eyeroll.
So there is my background when it comes to daycare.
About daycare?
The two year old room? I have said, since I subbed for the 2 year old head-teacher for about a month when she went back "home" to EU for a vacation, that EVERY SINGLE young teen needs to spend a week in a two year old daycare room.
No better form of birth control in the world.
Of course the kids spend more time with their fellow & AGE APPROPRIATE daycare buddies. They have to.
But when they need something or get upset/sad/sick...they look to their caregiver. Not their fellow toddler who just pooped in her sparkly Frozen themed pull-up.
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At 2yrs old, the ratio of kids to teachers is 6:1, the teachers are NOT raising these kids, it's more about supervising them during play and activities. He's learning to draw, fingerpaint, watching butterflies hatch, celebrating classmates' birthdays, playing indoor kiddie soccer, decorating gifts for mothers/fathers day, dancing, doing sing a longs, coloring, etc.
The term "supervising" doesn't cut it. Who is taking your 2 year old to the bathroom every two hours? Making sure they do their business/wipe/wash hands? Who is telling your kid that hitting isn't nice and you can't hurt your friends? Who is wiping their tears when they fall & skin their knee? Who is making sure your kid eats his/her lunch? Who is writing a note to "mom" when kid refuses to eat his lunch b/c he's tired of a hamsam & mom doesn't listen...and shares her lunch with him or sneaks in to the kitchen and gets your kid a chicken patty or PB&J - when he isn't on the "paid for lunch" roll? Who is hugging them when "Suzy" wasn't being nice? Who is tucking them in to nap time? Who knows when they are "off" and takes them to the nurse to find they have a fever? Who is making sure they have a great day & every day?
This is the week of a daycare center caregiver:
Monday: Kids are back after a weekend with their parents and they are un-hinged. Worst day of the week.
Tues: Kids are back in to the swing of things.
Wed: Kids are good. Back to normal.
Thurs: Always a great day.
Fri: Looking forward to the weekend off...but know that you're going to have to get "your" kids back down to earth after they spend a weekend with their parents on Monday.
Wash/rinse/repeat.
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As for the hours the OP is working, this is the stage in their careers where they have maximum earnings/career potential where it will set them up to be in a great position for the rest of theirs AND their children's' lives.
This stage is very fleeting, it's very difficult to advance once you get past a certain point/age, and your career can plateau or very well decline. Finance might be lucrative, but do you know how unmarketable you are and difficult it is to get a job if you're a low or mid-level employee in your 40s competing against the young guns willing to work for cheap? You have to find a balance, it's not about making money to buy nice cars. Cost of private college will be well north of $200k by the time their kids go to school. It's about providing a nice comfortable home in a good town for your family. Living in the NYC metro area is extremely expensive as you all know, "just move to NYC" is a pretty ignorant statement. "Just wait to have kids" is also an ignorant statement considering the risks in pregnancy go up exponentially when women are over 30 and especially over 35. "Just move to a cheaper area", "just find a job that's closer and with better hours" etc all show naivete as well.
It's about choices.
Sacrifice is a HUGE part of having a child.
Figure out what you are willing to give up or don't have a kid.
If you want others to raise you kid(s) so you can make bank, not get depressed...adopt a puppy. Try that out first.
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And I think it can be argued that children who experience social environments like day care are probably better adjusted when they eventually go to grade school than those that are home alone w/ their mom (or dad) all day every day.
That's a myth.
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I agree it's not the perfect situation to have your kids in day care for 8-10hrs, but again it's about finding the right balance and figuring out what's the best for YOUR situation. On weekdays my wife and I see our boy for 1.5hrs in the morning and 3+hrs in the evening, we feed him dinner, give him a bath, play, and put him to bed every single night. He cant wait to go to school in the morning, and can't wait to come home w/ us in the afternoon. Obviously weekends are entirely just for us. There is zero confusion with him about who his parents are and who he loves and who loves him.
What time do you two get up in the am?
What are your work hours?
3 hours in the evening? How late do you keep that kid up or do you "all" walk in the house at 5pm on the dot?
3 hours in the evening? How late do you keep that kid up or do you "all" walk in the house at 5pm on the dot?
My kid is up 530am on the dot and makes sure we're up at that time as well, we're out the door by 7am. My wife worked out with her employer to leave work early every day (so she could be in time for a 530p pick) and work from home on Fridays (when drop off is even later and pick up earlier). I'm home by 630 and my child goes down by 830, and NOT because we're keeping him up, but thank you for insulting me by making that assumption. Trust me, we tried putting him down earlier, he just doesn't need as much sleep at night. The docs said it's nothing to worry about since he's still getting 11-12hrs sleep/day including his nap. Just felt a need to mention that because have a feeling one of you would make some snide know-it-all comment regarding his sleep schedule.
Anyway I'm sure you and Marc Paolella have some horror stories to tell about day care, and I'm sorry you guys had to witness or experience that. I get that day care isn't the ideal option and I'm absolutely sure there are some really bad ones out there, nobody has their head in the sand here. But I also don't think it's the end of civilization as we know it either if you pick the right school. We have live streaming into every room (2 cameras per room covering every angle, as well as the outside play area) which we literally leave up on our computer screens at work the entire time so we have an idea of what's going on. We get multiple update emails and photos from the teachers throughout the day. The director and her assistants have a large flat screen in their office which has every video feed on it at all times, and they're constantly making the rounds as well. Parents need to scan their fingerprints to enter and check in/out their children, which triggers an email alert and daily summary. Again, it's not the perfect scenario but one we can work with.
You guys make a heckuva lot of assumptions in how these kids are going to turn out (ADD, becoming an alcoholic, living at home in parents' basement, having issues w/ relationships), really? I can think of a number of instances where children who never spent a second in a day care grew to be F*d up (my entire generation grew up without day care so there's plenty of examples to choose from). One thing I do agree w/ Marc Paolella on is people will cherry pick their research and opinions to support their decisions, and there's no changing their minds... talk about a pot calling the kettle black...
Hey I get it, some people will think it insanity to leave children with anyone other than a stay at home parent, and I respect their opinion. I will also respectfully disagree, to each their own. I'll leave it at that and let you guys get in the last word since, well, you seem to know exactly what everyone's situation is and how things will turn out.
My kid is up 530am on the dot and makes sure we're up at that time as well, we're out the door by 7am. My wife worked out with her employer to leave work early every day (so she could be in time for a 530p pick) and work from home on Fridays (when drop off is even later and pick up earlier). I'm home by 630 and my child goes down by 830, and NOT because we're keeping him up, but thank you for insulting me by making that assumption. Trust me, we tried putting him down earlier, he just doesn't need as much sleep at night. The docs said it's nothing to worry about since he's still getting 11-12hrs sleep/day including his nap. Just felt a need to mention that because have a feeling one of you would make some snide know-it-all comment regarding his sleep schedule.
Anyway I'm sure you and Marc Paolella have some horror stories to tell about day care, and I'm sorry you guys had to witness or experience that. I get that day care isn't the ideal option and I'm absolutely sure there are some really bad ones out there, nobody has their head in the sand here. But I also don't think it's the end of civilization as we know it either if you pick the right school. We have live streaming into every room (2 cameras per room covering every angle, as well as the outside play area) which we literally leave up on our computer screens at work the entire time so we have an idea of what's going on. We get multiple update emails and photos from the teachers throughout the day. The director and her assistants have a large flat screen in their office which has every video feed on it at all times, and they're constantly making the rounds as well. Parents need to scan their fingerprints to enter and check in/out their children, which triggers an email alert and daily summary. Again, it's not the perfect scenario but one we can work with.
You guys make a heckuva lot of assumptions in how these kids are going to turn out (ADD, becoming an alcoholic, living at home in parents' basement, having issues w/ relationships), really? I can think of a number of instances where children who never spent a second in a day care grew to be F*d up (my entire generation grew up without day care so there's plenty of examples to choose from). One thing I do agree w/ Marc Paolella on is people will cherry pick their research and opinions to support their decisions, and there's no changing their minds... talk about a pot calling the kettle black...
Hey I get it, some people will think it insanity to leave children with anyone other than a stay at home parent, and I respect their opinion. I will also respectfully disagree, to each their own. I'll leave it at that and let you guys get in the last word since, well, you seem to know exactly what everyone's situation is and how things will turn out.
Also remember, this isn't about you. Your die is cast and it is too late to change your philosophy or methodology. This is really for those that are considering bringing new life into the world and want to do it the right way after sufficient introspection and research. For those people, it is vital to research the philosophy and value and necessity of planning to raise your own kids in person, including sacrificing income and the ego of a personal career. Keeping in mind that raising children is a higher calling than having any job, no matter what it pays. If the money has more value to you than your kid, that's fine. Don't have a kid and make millions, there's nothing wrong with that.
Here is a book that nicely covers the philosophy and psychology:
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