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My mom is probably not going to be able to live on her own much longer. We are not sure if she will need to go to a nursing facility or if one of us will be caring for her in our home. My siblings and I are trying to gather info and learn as much as we can with regard to her possible options. We have accessed a lot of the online information (very confusing) available from the State of NJ website. But, what we are really looking for is information from those people who have been in this situation. Does anyone know of a forum or website that would be helpful to us? Any info is most appreciated.
1. assisted living communities
2. nursing homes
3. moving the senior parent into your home
4. moving the senior parent to an apartment close by
5. hire a companion/geriatric care manager to come in daily to care for parent (ie. give medicine, feed, etc.)
The most economical and practical way of doing this is probably letting the parent stay with you. It helps if you have a mother daughter home or a spare room with its own entrance. Nursing homes or assisted living type communities will be expensive and tough if the elder parent does not have sufficient source of income or refuse this option.
My mom is probably not going to be able to live on her own much longer. We are not sure if she will need to go to a nursing facility or if one of us will be caring for her in our home. My siblings and I are trying to gather info and learn as much as we can with regard to her possible options. We have accessed a lot of the online information (very confusing) available from the State of NJ website. But, what we are really looking for is information from those people who have been in this situation. Does anyone know of a forum or website that would be helpful to us? Any info is most appreciated.
It may help to know why your mom can't live on her own anymore.
My dad right now is taken care of my mom 24/7; and it is more than difficult on her. If you take the steps to care for your mom; be prepared. There are caregivers and hospice that can come in and help as your mom deteriorates.
That said, it can become daunting, you won't be able to ever have any time "off". My mom is woken up in the middle of the night, early in the morning, it never ends, she never gets a break.
If you have other family nearby, and have a good support system, it may be worth it. Sadly my mom is across the country, without a lot of outside help. Good luck with your decision.
Really think about it before you move a parent in with you. My dad wasn't that bad when he came with me. He has his own room with his own entrance, bath, sitting area. Sadly, it's a waste. When he first came he just needed someone to fix meals. Then, within the first year, he quickly went downhill. Now when the phone rings he answers the remote. I had to remove his microwave, turn off his hot water to his sink, put up a baby gate when I leave the house. I can't go overnight anywhere like I used to with my husband on the spur of the moment, or go out for more than 6-8 hrs. without planning since he has to eat. And as for family support? Sure, they promise to help, but you never see them. The sad part is, once they are there, it's harder to then have to put them somewhere else and explain why to them. I haven't gotten that far yet. There are several support groups for caregivers; you may want to join one. Good luck to you, it's not an easy decision. Just remember, you will feel some resentment if they move in with you since you will be giving up things; it's natural.
My mom is probably not going to be able to live on her own much longer. We are not sure if she will need to go to a nursing facility or if one of us will be caring for her in our home. My siblings and I are trying to gather info and learn as much as we can with regard to her possible options.
May I ask if she's ill or old age?
Do you think the sibs will stand behind you or will it all fall on you?
It's easy for people to say sure I'll help if you take her in but when the time comes, they may not.
Home care (nurse) is expensive. Someone was telling me that they know someone that pays a nurse almost $1,000 a week.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DNJ
We have accessed a lot of the online information (very confusing) available from the State of NJ website. But, what we are really looking for is information from those people who have been in this situation. Does anyone know of a forum or website that would be helpful to us? Any info is most appreciated.
What kind of health insurance does she have? You can sign up online at social security & Medicare if it applies. If she has other insurance, go to their web sites.
You also want to think about power of attorney. I can tell you that most places will not even speak to you on the phone unless you have one, or unless she is there with you and confirms the info, gives them the ok to talk to you. You usually need the account number, her date of birth, social & maiden name.
I have info here, which should also help you get everything together. If you start a binder now, you will have everything at your fingertips. You can also add a typed page of her (bank) account numbers, scan her drivers license (if it applies) as well as any social security & health insurance cards.
IMO, these days it's getting common for parent(s) to live with a child. I'm not sure if you are male or female but keep in mind if you are male & married it is possible your mom will at some point clash with your wife. We were looking to buy a house in Winslow, it was actually set up for this situation, part of the top floor was for the mother. The wife was having problems adjusting to the MIL living there, which is why they were selling the house.
The next thing to think of is who is best able to get along with her? It might be better looking into an assisted living situation where right now they'd check on her daily until she needs 24/7 care.
GW also has a NJ section which might be of some help.
You can also do a search of the whole site as these discussions have gone on in forums such as the rose forum, conversation side.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chatty56
Really think about it before you move a parent in with you. My dad wasn't that bad when he came with me. He has his own room with his own entrance, bath, sitting area. Sadly, it's a waste. When he first came he just needed someone to fix meals. Then, within the first year, he quickly went downhill. Now when the phone rings he answers the remote. I had to remove his microwave, turn off his hot water to his sink, put up a baby gate when I leave the house. I can't go overnight anywhere like I used to with my husband on the spur of the moment, or go out for more than 6-8 hrs. without planning since he has to eat. And as for family support? Sure, they promise to help, but you never see them. The sad part is, once they are there, it's harder to then have to put them somewhere else and explain why to them. I haven't gotten that far yet. There are several support groups for caregivers; you may want to join one. Good luck to you, it's not an easy decision. Just remember, you will feel some resentment if they move in with you since you will be giving up things; it's natural.
It also depends on the situation. As you say, most sibs are out of sight & not helpful at all. My dad was diagnosed with cancer back in 2005, I put my life on hold to help him. After all was said & done everyone was resentful of my relationship with my dad (we've always been close & were then closer). I ended up injuring myself & was told something to the effect of it was my choice to take it on and to deal with it.
Since I was very close to him, I never felt resentment towards him, just the sibs. If I had to do it again I would.
If you take it on, remember you might be alone in it and very well might be on your own later. Stuff like this very well can & has split families. I know of another person that put their life on hold to care for the mother (in the mothers house) and after she died he was thrown to the curb while the house was put up for sale. Nice thanks, huh?
what areas are you considering for assisted living? Fransciscan Oaks in Denville is a good option. They will get their own condo..the hospital is right there and Denville, nice little town, is within walking distance. It is part of St. Clare's Denville.
What part of Jersey are you in, or where is the elder? My husband started with a service for his parents; errand running, setting up meds, meal preparation etc., and then in progressed into a 24/7 caretaker service with a live-in. It is now $1100 week, plus the maintenance, upkeep, groceries, and taxes on the house. Cost wise, it would be more economical to have him in a continuing care facility. Thankfully, the money is there, but if it gets to the point where resources are diminished, it will go to reversed mortgage and then public assistance/nursing facility or VA home. His Dad is not a good patient, and DH is not a good nurse. No other family, and I just got through dealing with my Dad and 5 years post-stroke. It's very difficult situation to be in. Sometimes the county office on aging has suggestions (social worker, senior services, recommendations for assistance etc), otherwise her MD can make referrals for assistance and possibly have some of the care covered under medicare or medicaid. MD can at least tell Mom she can not live alone, and that the children would be held liable if she didn't comply with new living arrangements.
Thank you so much for all of your honesty. I really appreciate that. I will check out these websites. Right now mom has diabetes and COPD. I have at least 2 really dependable siblings to help me. The other 2 do help but they have busy schedules . My mom has been ill for about 11 years (including surviving lung cancer). So none of this is new. She is just getting older and with each year she grows weaker and weaker. I am her daughter and I totally agree that it would be so much more difficult for her to live with a son and his wife, even though she loves her daughters in law.
My husband and I have fostered medically fragile children for almost 15 years now. Our last one is leaving in the next few weeks. We are are used to living our lives around medication schedules, and physical limitations, congnitive disabilities and special diets. I keep excellent records (have already started a binder for mom-lol). I have a good handle on navigating the pediatric system. I have been a great advocate for my foster kids. That makes it all the more frustrating that I don't know how to access help for my mom.
I have taken notes from your responses. I will check out the webpages mentioned and make some of the calls suggested. Thanks so much!
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Care for Senior Parent
