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Old 07-28-2010, 03:30 PM
 
29 posts, read 43,179 times
Reputation: 10

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There was a thread about marriage in NYC and women and their biological clock. I thought it was very informative and wanted to start a similar thread from a male's point of view.

I am a male, 33, successful, nice body, pretty good looking, athletic, great apt. Until about the age of 31, I enjoyed going out and partying in this city and random hookups (have lived here since college at age 17). I had a few serious relationships--one of which, in retrospect was the love of my life (age 24-27). I gave it up though because she wanted to get married and I was not ready.

Bad decision. When I hit 31, I hit the same "time-bomb" in my head that usually only afflict women. I became obsessed with marrying before all the nice girls are off the market. I have every intention of being married and having children. I know 33 is still somewhat young, but if I meet the girl of my dreams tomorrow (in the best case), we get married in the Spring of 2012, she gets pregnant a year later the baby pops out 9 months after that and I am 37. In the best case. Then when he/she is 13, I am 50. Sounds a little old to be having kids, my youngest would be younger.

I don't know why it never occurred to me earlier in life...the time just flew by so fast. If I had this mentality at 26, I would be married by now.

I have searched for a decent girl--just someone who I find attractive (doesn't have to be stunning, but I should be attracted), interesting and would make a nice mother and wife. This is not an easy thing to do. Girls in this city all have their guards up against random strangers, meeting your future wife at a bar is unlikely and many of the nice girls I meet already have boyfriends/husbands. On-line has resulted in mediocre success.

I am now considering starting a relationship with a really great and sweet girl, but who I am not in love with. We have a LOT in common and I know she would make a great mother, but I do not know that I would be excited to go on vacations with her. And while she is pretty, I do not feel sexual attraction for her.

Am I being crazy? Any other guys out there feel the way I do?
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:45 PM
 
Location: Newton, Mass.
2,954 posts, read 11,709,261 times
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I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm 35 and not married, though I'm now in a great relationship that seems like it's going that way. Even so, I'd be 37 or older by the time I had any kids too.

The thing is that you have to take life as it comes. When you were 27 you weren't ready, so it probably would not have worked out too well if you resented it the whole while. If you'd married then you'd not have had this epiphany now. You might be an embittered divorcé now. I know a bunch of people who have had kids at 37 and later. You're not alone in that situation by any stretch. Sure, they're 50 when the kid is 13, but it works out OK. At this point there's not much you can do about it.

As for your current relationship, I'd never advise forcing it just to keep a timetable. I guess you have to consider if what you have with her would be enough to satisfy you for the rest of your life.

This is supposed to be an NYC thread, and I don't know if NYC is that different from a lot of other places. Back in the day people were more likely to stay where they came from and marry local people. Many still do that today. It can be challenging to get past people's defenses in NYC, but it's getting harder to meet people everywhere, especially if you're busy with career and so on. Best of luck
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Old 07-28-2010, 04:46 PM
 
Location: QUEENS
447 posts, read 1,484,633 times
Reputation: 130
Why would you wait 2 years to get married? Anyways I already have a son. Guess I dont have to worry.
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Old 07-28-2010, 05:33 PM
 
12,767 posts, read 25,395,504 times
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Break up with the girl you're dating if you're not ABSOLUTELY, MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER. You both deserve a better relationship than that. There are plenty of nice girls in NYC who want to get married to a nice guy (I was one of them!)

Try eharmony.com. Work at it everyday. Do you run? Join NYC Roadrunners. Are you an alumn of a big college? Go to the college football watching parties this fall. ASK EVERYONE YOU KNOW to set you up with someone. You have to work at it.

Don't worry about how long you'll date or how old you'll be when your kids graudate from college. Hopefully, you've been working on a career the past 10 years in NYC and you've started saving for a home, retirement, etc. You just have to know what your up against and save agressively so you can plan a wedding/honeymoon, have a nice place to live, retire comfortably, and pay for as much of your kids' educations as you can.

I am 30 and have friends whose dads are in their early 70s (meaning they had kids in their late 30s and early 40s). The dads - even being "that" old- have walked their daughters down the aisle, played with their grandkids, etc. Being 60 or 70 is a lot younger than it used to be. Don't fear it!
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Old 07-28-2010, 09:36 PM
 
1 posts, read 3,299 times
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don't date the girl you are not in love with. She will divorce you when she figures out the truth (that you don't love her), take your money, and then where will you be?
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Old 07-28-2010, 09:53 PM
 
Location: New York City
4,036 posts, read 9,712,034 times
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New Yorkers have children later than people elsewhere. 20-somethings can't afford children and city living at the same time. There are plenty of people in your situation.
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Old 07-29-2010, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Newton, Mass.
2,954 posts, read 11,709,261 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycistheplace2 View Post
Why would you wait 2 years to get married?
He's talking about if he met someone new tomorrow. So they'd go out for a while before he'd figure out if he wanted to marry her, then they'd have a wedding to plan. She's unlikely to want to get married two weeks after getting engaged.
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Old 07-29-2010, 11:34 AM
 
29 posts, read 43,179 times
Reputation: 10
Honestly at this stage in my life, I dont know if I am capable of falling madly in love with anyone. If I wait, I MAY meet and marry a woman I am madly in love with, but I dont want to wait anymore. I am thinking that i will fall in love with the girl I am dating eventually. Whether you start out in love or not, we all end up in the same place. We fight, we love, we rely and depend on each other, but that initial love fades. Its that deeper more meaningful love that comes with familiarity and mutual respect and trust that marriages depend on.

I did finally get on eHarmony a month ago. Mixed results so far...but at least I am meeting ppl who want a serious relationship. Roadrunners--that's a good idea. There should be many like-minded people there; have not thought about that, but I think I will do that. I appreciate your advice and I am basically already doing that--taking every opportunity to try to meet people. Get out as much as possible. But in the meantime, I am going to see if anything can develop with this other girl that I am not in love with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TurtleCreek80 View Post
Break up with the girl you're dating if you're not ABSOLUTELY, MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER. You both deserve a better relationship than that. There are plenty of nice girls in NYC who want to get married to a nice guy (I was one of them!)

Try eharmony.com. Work at it everyday. Do you run? Join NYC Roadrunners. Are you an alumn of a big college? Go to the college football watching parties this fall. ASK EVERYONE YOU KNOW to set you up with someone. You have to work at it.

Don't worry about how long you'll date or how old you'll be when your kids graudate from college. Hopefully, you've been working on a career the past 10 years in NYC and you've started saving for a home, retirement, etc. You just have to know what your up against and save agressively so you can plan a wedding/honeymoon, have a nice place to live, retire comfortably, and pay for as much of your kids' educations as you can.

I am 30 and have friends whose dads are in their early 70s (meaning they had kids in their late 30s and early 40s). The dads - even being "that" old- have walked their daughters down the aisle, played with their grandkids, etc. Being 60 or 70 is a lot younger than it used to be. Don't fear it!
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Old 07-29-2010, 11:36 AM
 
29 posts, read 43,179 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by kalenyc View Post
don't date the girl you are not in love with. She will divorce you when she figures out the truth (that you don't love her), take your money, and then where will you be?
This is something that could happen even if I marry the girl I love.
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Old 07-29-2010, 12:23 PM
 
12,767 posts, read 25,395,504 times
Reputation: 12377
Quote:
Originally Posted by gemini0606 View Post
Honestly at this stage in my life, I dont know if I am capable of falling madly in love with anyone. If I wait, I MAY meet and marry a woman I am madly in love with, but I dont want to wait anymore. I am thinking that i will fall in love with the girl I am dating eventually. Whether you start out in love or not, we all end up in the same place. We fight, we love, we rely and depend on each other, but that initial love fades. Its that deeper more meaningful love that comes with familiarity and mutual respect and trust that marriages depend on.

I did finally get on eHarmony a month ago. Mixed results so far...but at least I am meeting ppl who want a serious relationship. Roadrunners--that's a good idea. There should be many like-minded people there; have not thought about that, but I think I will do that. I appreciate your advice and I am basically already doing that--taking every opportunity to try to meet people. Get out as much as possible. But in the meantime, I am going to see if anything can develop with this other girl that I am not in love with.
It's your life, but it sounds like you are planning to settle. Believe it or not, many couples who have been married for 5, 10, 25, 50 years are still madly in love. My boyfriends parents (40 years), my best friends parents (over 35 years), my best friend (5 years). That mad love is going to get you through the tough times. If not, you're living in a house of cards that will come crashing down eventually.

I know plenty of guys who waited to find the right one- and found her- at 34, 37, 39, and 40+.

The biggest red flag in your first post was that you're not all that attracted to her. You may develop a friendship kind of love over time, but you are NEVER going to become more attracted to her. Guarentee it. Don't you want a lifetime of sex and cuddling on the sofa with someone who makes your heart beat faster?

Also, think about your future kids. Don't they deserve to live in a home where mom & dad provide a good example of what marriage is? It's more than just two roomates raising kids together.
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