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I don't know if that title is even politically correct. I don't mean to offend anyone.
My main question I would like to pose is why is there so much liturature on dealing with your family if you are gay but virtually none for how to deal with a gay sibiling? I feel just as much turmoil and question my own beliefs as my brother now is, but there is no support for me that I have found. Please respond if you have advice or any liturature aimed at siblings of a gay person.
About a year ago my little brother told my family that he was gay. Being raised in a fairly conservative Christian family, naturally my family and I were devastated. I have always been anti-gay myself probably to the point where I could be called a homophobe, but I love my little brother and have always been close to him growing up (I am in college now, actually at a military school which of course means I am in an environment where I am not exactly surrounded by gay people or people who support gays). I attempted to talk to him when I first found out, but of course he was rather reluctant to discuss it, not just with me but with anyone. So I took the convienient excuse of returning to school to ignore the problem and my brother. I had plenty of opinions and I did think about it, but I lacked the courage to speak to my brother about it for fear of completely alienating him. As long as I acted like nothing had changed, we could at least keep up the appearence that nothing had changed.
I finally got up the courage this summer to speak to him. Armed with my vast experiences from living away from home for 2 years (yeah right) I attempted to reason with him for my parents sake, but mostly to try to understand him. I want him to be happy, but he is not even though he has "come out" and I feel it is because his family is unhappy. We are still clinging to the hope that he will change. So following my conversation with him, I was convinced that he was not faking being gay because it is somewhat of a fad at his high school or that he was convincing himself he was gay due to teasing or people telling him he was. So I did some research into the ex-gay debates. What I find is arguments on both sides. Support for the gay person is offered on both sides and their is a ton of support and advice offered to the parent trying to change their child into a hetero, but their is no counter-support for families trying to understand and accept their child as a gay person. It seems like it is assumed that families should naturally accept a gay child and those who don't - well they're just closeminded people who are torturing their child.
Have you checked into PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)? Here is a "support" link: PFLAG: For Family & Friends (http://www.pflag.org/For_Family___Friends.comingout_family.0.html - broken link)
I'm not sure what "reasoning with him" entailed, but how could that be very helpful? Nothing you say is going to influence him not to be gay. Even if he said, "Okay, I'm not gay. You win." and basically went back in the closet, he'd still be gay. He just wouldn't be living the life of a gay man; he'd be denying part of what makes him who he is. How would you feel if he came up to you and began to reason with you that you should also be homosexual? (I wish you had come here for advice before you talked to him!)
He knew how you and your parents would react to this bomb he dropped. I'm sure he thought long and hard about it for months, if not years. In this situation, although you should reach out for support elsewhere, don't make him bear the burden of your conflicted feelings. It's a terrible feeling when your family only tolerates you, but doesn't truly accept you as you are.
Also, and now I'm preaching in general, being gay or lesbian doesn't affect your morality or the lack thereof. My daughter is still as picky about her choice of partners now she's claiming to be bisexual as she was when I thought she was straight. Promiscuous behavior is everywhere, heterosexual or homosexual, and it's an individual choice (or not). Just a thought, and this was in no way directed at the OP.
I don't mean to be unsympathetic, but I can't really understand what you're wanting support for? Is it just help with acceptance of your brother being gay? If so, the only suggestion I have is maybe a support group. Otherwise, your only role in this situation is to accept your brother for who he is and try NOT to judge. You must know it had to take ALOT of courage for him to "come out" to his conservative family. Alot of people would have just stayed in the closet until it became absolutely necessary for them to know.
My husbands uncle is gay, and his parents are quite a bit older so they ofcourse are not at all "with it". As a matter of fact his mom is very overprotective and has always been. She also tends to me very dramatic about things. When he told them, she actually stayed in bed for a week.
She did eventually accept his decision to live the gay livestyle, and be happy her son has found someone to share his life with. He has been in a long term relationship for about 5 years now.
The only thing I would personally speak to him about if he were my younger sibling, is the importance of safe sex. Promiscuity is a dangerous way of life. He will find out only too quickly enough, being a part of the gay community, that more gay men die of HIV than any other group. My family is pretty open to talking about things like that though, my mother is the one that told me sex is one of the most important things in a marriage.
Last edited by floridadreamer; 07-13-2007 at 04:28 PM..
She did eventually accept his decision to live the gay livestyle,
I assume you mean she merely accepted the fact that he is gay, since it is not a decision and there is no living a "gay lifestyle" any more than there is a "heterosexual lifestyle"
I assume you mean she merely accepted the fact that he is gay, since it is not a decision and there is no living a "gay lifestyle" any more than there is a "heterosexual lifestyle"
Being gay isn't a choice, but choosing to have s*x with men is. And yes, she accepted him being gay. I also don't believe this thread is about whether or not being gay is a "choice".
Do you have advise for this person, or did you just come here to correct people?
I have know my sister was gay for the longest time. We never discussed it. After I married, I moved away from our hometown. Got a call out of the blue on day from my dad asking "Is your sister gay?" Well yes dad, I think she is, but she has never told me as much. He responds angrily, I'm kicking her out of my house, she is gone. No, you aren't dad, she is still your daughter just like she was yesterday, nothing has changed in your relationship with her, you still love her, and she has done nothing wrong. We never said another word about it.
Fast forward 10 years. My dad has passed away, and not a year later, my mom (the only one who knew for sure she was gay) passed away too. My sister finally tells me she is gay. Yea, so, what, I have known forever! She is the only family I have left and I will support her and her partner until the end. She is the best aunt in the world to my 2 children. Now they are going to a fertility specialist to have their own children and I couldn't be happier.
I do not believe being gay is a choice. I can remember her being a tomboy (not that means anything) all of her life, not at all into boys at any time. I will just continue to love and support her, no matter what. That is what being family is about. My life is so empty now with my parents gone, not loving and supporting my sister in anything she does is not an option. I do not see how it could be for anyone!
I will just continue to love and support her, no matter what. That is what being family is about. My life is so empty now with my parents gone, not loving and supporting my sister in anything she does is not an option. I do not see how it could be for anyone!
This is I guess why I was confused about the thread. If you love your sibling, then you will accept them for who they are and love them any in spite or things you may not agree with. What matters in the end, is that you want him to be happy, right?
Yanik, I highly recommended that you also use a search engine (probably Google) and research some similar situations with others or possibly look up a forum made specifically for such a subject.
Whenever I have a problem, I find that it's a lot more helpful to find a forum where I can discuss my problem extensively or to simply find anecdotes in which I can relate my situation and perhaps find a solution.
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