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I have a friend who is very, very talkative (mostly phone), likes to call five times a day.
She lives 5 miles away and we connected maybe a year and a half ago. Prior to that, she was an acquaintance who lived in a Phoenix suburb that I lived in. We moved near one another without knowing it.
So, I figured it's nice to have someone you know, and I was friendly with her. Our daughters were in the same girl scout troop, etc.
The problem is I don't think she's a very nice person. She's extremely gossipy and judgmental. I don't like to talk on the phone as much as she does and would often just let her calls go unanswered, thinking she'd get the hint to lessen the calls. Instead, she would get irritated and say she had needed something or that she was calling to let me know of a great deal and since I didn't call her back, I missed out on the deal.
Now, about two months ago, I told her about an issue I'd had with my 11-year-old daughter and how I was at my wits end. (It was more venting.) I asked her not to mention it to her daughter (who is 8 yrs old and quite gossipy like her mom). Our kids rarely see each other, but about a month later, her daughter came by and told my daughter she knew all about the incident. I later mentioned it to my friend who then denied her daughter said anything and it turned into a she-said-she-said. I told her I don't get involved in kid stuff and kids tell their version - no one is intentionally being deceptive. She wouldn't let it go, calling several more times to relay what her daughter said happened and said her daughter was made to feel bad. She added that my kids were pulling a fast one on me (my other kids corroborated my daughter's story). She went on to add that even if her daughter had said something, everyone was free to discuss what my daughter had done because she needed to be responsible for her actions.
I actually didn't care much about her telling her daughter. It's not a surprise that she did. I just wanted to let her know her daughter gabbed because she assured me up and down that she wouldn't mention it to her daughter and "besides she never tells."
Anyway, this was a good reason to just let the relationship go. I haven't enjoyed the friendship. It was very one-sided (she calling me to complain about her in-laws, etc., etc.) I have no interest in rekindling the friendship and I've been quite relieved to not have to take her numerous daily calls. She is a bit insistent, texting me that she hopes "something so silly doesn't ruin our friendship."
I want to keep it cordial, as I may run into her at boy scout events. But she runs hot and cold and I think she is hurt I am not making an effort to contact her.
I wouldn't mind having her as an acquaintance, a call here and there. Small talk when we bump into each other - but I don't think that's going to work.
Do you think it's possible to keep things nice and just change the nature of this former friendship?
Do you think it's possible to keep things nice and just change the nature of this former friendship?
No, because people don't change and everybody lies.
Not to be all Gregory House about it.
You're kind of in a no-win situation. You can either be friends with her--and not just acquaintances because apparently with her it's all or nothing--or you can accept the fact that if you are not, she is now going to gossip and talk about you to her next victim.
I feel bad for you, actually. My eldest sibling is like that, and I just had to cut her out of my life for the fourth and final time. The last time, I didn't speak to her for 5 years. This time, I tried to make peace and "keep it cordial," and within four months, she made it clear that House is right. About the best you can hope for is that eventually she finds someone else to complain about, and to.
My only addition is that IF you decide for some reason that you want her kind of drama in your life - do it on your terms. If she calls too much, take the ones you want. If she gets snippy about it - tell her that's not ok, and you can't always be available. Then don't budge. If she gets out of shape, don't try to placate her. That's emotional manipulation and not OK. Sure - we all try to be good to each other, but there's got to be limits, and if you set some and she doesn't respect them, and then you keep allowing it - that's just kinda asking for it.
Personally, I would not initiate contact with her. She betrayed a confidence. You may be sanguine about that part, but it's symptomatic of other personality issues that she see nothing wrong with it, and in fact thrived on the resulting fall-out. It doesn't matter whether your daughter was in the wrong or right, that was incredibly bad behavior on your 'friend's' part and her refusal to recognize and own up to that is not something I'd be ok with. I wouldn't be ok with anything but a sincere appology before considering whether or not to cautiously renew contact on a shallow, social level.
This is pressuming you actually enjoy her company, and that wasn't coming through on your post.
(FWIW - I would go insane if I had a friend who called 5x a week, let alone 5x a day!)
I haven't enjoyed the friendship. It was very one-sided (she calling me to complain about her in-laws, etc., etc.) I have no interest in rekindling the friendship and I've been quite relieved to not have to take her numerous daily calls.?
Then why even consider trying to make it work? I don't think it would be possible to change the relationship. So you either take it like it was, or let it go. From what you said above, you need to let it go. Some relationships are toxic.
I had one where it was the same sort of thing - this friend called me everyday to chat while she was in the car driving home. Drove me nuts. I HATE talking on the phone. Many other weird things I won't get into but needless to say, there was finally a blow up and we stopped speaking.
Best thing that ever happened. I didn't realize how toxic it was until she was out of my life and things were so peaceful.
Keep this in mind - if she blabbed to her daughter about the incident regarding your daughter, do you really think it stopped there and she didn't blab to others? Doubtful. And it might not seem like a big deal now, but when your daughter is 16 or 17 and this lady is blabbing things - will not be good.
She might talk about you and get all huffy for a while but like someone else said, she'll move on. Let her find another person to fixate on. And if you do see her at events just smile, say hello and keep moving.
I had the same situation. Came home from work - the phone was already ringing when I walked into the door (and I instantly was in a bad mood). EVERY FREAKIN DAY. And when I did not answer or came home later and missed her call, oh boy - I had to explain why! And if I did not answer, there was always something I missed as well - a good deal, her needing help rescuing a squirrel, her dog's paw hurt, her dying (she had the flu). It was at least 3 times a week that her calls were "emergencies". I did not get anything done in my household, my relationship, walking dog, chores ... I was just there for her amusement/counseling/timekiller.
She did not want to work, so she was sitting at home all day, waiting for other people to return from work so she can bother them.
I started to hate my phone.
I had to cut her out of my life completely even though she actually was a "good" person. And I felt SO MUCH better, even though then I had an enemy.
A few years later she contacted me and apologized for being so clingy. She said, she has a job now, a new life, everything so great, is a different person and blabla. I took her back. Worst mistake.
I had to pick a fight again to get rid of her.
Since then I have a problem when friends call me more than twice per week. I don't stay on the phone longer than 10 minutes at the time.
I had the same situation. Came home from work - the phone was already ringing when I walked into the door (and I instantly was in a bad mood). EVERY FREAKIN DAY. And when I did not answer or came home later and missed her call, oh boy - I had to explain why! And if I did not answer, there was always something I missed as well - a good deal, her needing help rescuing a squirrel, her dog's paw hurt, her dying (she had the flu). It was at least 3 times a week that her calls were "emergencies". I did not get anything done in my household, my relationship, walking dog, chores ... I was just there for her amusement/counseling/timekiller.
She did not want to work, so she was sitting at home all day, waiting for other people to return from work so she can bother them.
I started to hate my phone.
I had to cut her out of my life completely even though she actually was a "good" person. And I felt SO MUCH better, even though then I had an enemy.
A few years later she contacted me and apologized for being so clingy. She said, she has a job now, a new life, everything so great, is a different person and blabla. I took her back. Worst mistake.
I had to pick a fight again to get rid of her.
Since then I have a problem when friends call me more than twice per week. I don't stay on the phone longer than 10 minutes at the time.
WOW - this sounds like the same person!
Thanks for sharing this story. I agree that it would be a mistake to allow any type of friendship. And as Jkcoop said, right now the gossipy story was a bit silly, but at 16/17 it won't be funny at all.
About a month ago after she texted me that I should allow something so "silly" to ruin the relationship, I called her and after three rings, I hung up, so happy that she hadn't answered. I decided it was ridiculous to feel obligated to call someone (esp. if they aren't family). She recently called again, but I'm going to just ignore her and move on.
If I run into her at one of the kids' events and it's uncomfortable, so be it.
Just be civil to her, and don't confide in her as she doesn't know how to respect confidences....eventually she'll probably contact you less as a gossip is usually looking for something to tell others....so if you give her nothing she'll probably soon tire of you and move onto her next "victim".
Be glad its over, just move on and don't feel bad. People like your friend don't take hints because while she was getting to know you, you went too far in revealing how you handle difficult situations with others. You told her too much about yourself but be glad you are no longer doing so. People like that person who seem to be "very" interested in getting to know you are gathering information for the sole purpose to control people thru the art of manipulation. They are VERY good at it!!!
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