One of my good friends just found out....

[Mooseketeer]

I am so sorry YankeeGirl, my advice as someone who went through 10 years plus of the Big C is simply to be a good friend and to listen. Be there for her .
Cancer is terrifying at the best of times but being alone would make it so, so much worse. Support from loved ones is crucial IMO . It might not help her physically but it will make her struggle seem so much easier to bear.

Advice is usually never a good idea in such serious circumstances, I genuinely believe a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to is so important. Be the best friend you can be. Human contact is something we all hold on to in times of stormy seas.

Take your cue from her, at this time she comes first in terms of interaction. If she wants to talk about it and opens up about her illness, treatment etc... then do not avoid the subject because there is nothing worse than feeling as though you are making others uncomfortable. Pain, death and sickness makes people often shy away from being open about those because we feel somehow it will make things worse for the sufferer ( and often selfishly because it is simply not a pleasant topic and can make us feel "contaminated")but if she needs to talk about it then it is important she does.

HOWEVER some people do not want to talk about it ( I spent most of my time with Leukaemia trying not to burden others with it and a big burden it became but I also in a way chose to ignore the illness as though it would somehow vanquish it) and that's OK too. She will show you if you look out for the signals.

Cancer often destroys the psyche as well as the body which is why remaining strong is so important and this is so much easily achieved with having solid friends and loved ones who will take a little of the burden of fragilised shoulders. Being ill often takes away everything of who you are as an individual, you lose you physical strength , your ability to cope, it makes you grieve for your old healthy self.

It can also make you feel incredibly isolated , even if I am totally honest , when you have support.

In many ways it is something you have to go through alone as nobody else can ever comprehend how it affects YOU. We all react in completely different ways , have different tolerance levels to pain and anxiety.

I would simply be available and ensure that she knows you mean it when you say you are there for her. Too many people come up with platitudes not meaning it and this can cause far more damage than not offering to help. Offer help, friendship and support ONLY if you are willing to see it through. Anything else will be a betrayal of trust and add to the insult of being sick.

Talking can be a great healer, open honest friendship. And also I would add FUN. Chemiotherapy and Radiotherapy are grossly intrusive, debilitating treatments and will make life pretty unpleasant and having something to take your mind of is very useful. A good laugh and a giggle can make things a lot more bearable.



Being treated to something once in a while is something we all enjoy.

So imagine how important it is when your horizons have considerable narrowed and the light at the end of your personal tunnel is receding fast and furiously...

In many ways I think being ill makes you feel guilty as though you are a burden so I think it is crucial she realises she is not. She will always worry about her loved ones being left behind, about them having to cope with her being ill and incapacitated and nothing anyone does will stop this.

But being shown ( actions speak louder than words) that you still enjoy her company is a good step in the right direction so to speak. Hopefully her family will support her , loneliness is a terrible thing when your body ( and mind to a certain extent) breaks down.

I am, "touch wood"cured but even 12 years on I still grieve for the person I was , as I was left with many long term health problems. Cancer did rob me of some of the best years of my life and as good as being alive can be it does leave indelible traces and scars even if you recover.

I do genuinely "pray" ( as an Atheist call it more positive vibes !) that your friend beats this thing into a pulp , because I have been there and it is hell. There are few people on this planet I would wish it upon.

Be there. Be kind, be fun, listen and support. There is not much you can do for her physical well being but you can make a big difference by simply being a good loyal friend. Something we all need , in sickness or in health.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by yankeegirl313

Thanks again for all of the wonderful advice on how to comfort her!
This will definetly help.

And also I will add - offering to accompany her when she goes to the doctor or for examinations and treatments. Just someone there holding her hand or being there for when the news is good or for when it's bad.

She may worry about her husband for that - how can he hold down his job and worry about her - but if someone else can step in so he can go on working. Some people prefer to go to the doctor alone, some definitely don't prefer that but often just providing a ride is helpful. Otherwise if he can't take off work or taking off too much time jeopardizes his job, their income, it can be great if someone else will fill in and help.

And sometimes they won't need that until their energy is completely sapped by chemo - then a ride there and back may be needed even if earlier it wasn't. Just imagine having to think about shopping for the kids, school events and so on when you're completely drained. Just one friend taking care of some of that can be very helpful - or offering to go with.

Sometimes the healthy friend is limited in how much they can understand - in that case it's better for the other to join a support group where the others truly do understand.

[LibraGirl123]

Originally Posted by Mooseketeer

Be there. Be kind, be fun, listen and support. There is not much you can do for her physical well being but you can make a big difference by simply being a good loyal friend. Something we all need , in sickness or in health.

Terrific post! Can't rep you because "I have to spread it around". Arrrggghhh...

[imsh0t]

Good luck! My only experience was when my girlfriends father was diagnosed with cancer. I think the most important thing is to not let the person isolate themselves completely. Usually the person wants to keep it to themselves and maybe a few friends and family. If your really close to them then definitely try to talk to them as much as you can, every bit of human contact helps spread the grief and loosen the pain a little.

They basically need the best support group they can get. She should consider going to one of those cancer support groups, she might be surprised by how much she can learn to deal with her feelings. I think its also important that her family knows. Put it this way would you want to know if your husband had cancer? Which is worse finding out sooner or later and then feeling guilty you didnt know?

[crazyworld]

So sorry to hear this Yankee....I think the only thing you can say is I am here if you want to talk. Do you live close-by? I was thinking of a couple of times a month send over some meals for the family as that would be one less thing to worry about.

[robee70]

Originally Posted by SD4020

Offiering advise or treatment suggestions would be the last thing that I as a cancer survivor would want to hear. The best thing you can do is listen. You don't need to say a word. Offering to be there is the second best thing you can do.

I think this is an excellent post.

I'm sure she has plenty of people guiding her through this difficult time. I would offer her my shoulder to cry on and hopefully find ways to get her mind off of this. They say laughter and the power of positive thinking does wonders for a person's mental & sometimes physical health.

[Lital_The_Best]

First off, I'm very sorry to hear that and it's never good news. However, don't worry about what you're feelings are, she's the one with the sickness and the only thing you can do as a friend is be by her side and support her and reassure her that you'll be there for her. Keep your chin up for her, be optimistic, be positive in any way for her, that's the only thing you can do is be consoling. Visit her, laugh with her, listen to her, do things you would do normally as friends. She needs all the positive energy she can get at a time like this, this is the time where true friends shine.