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Has anyone ever had a friendship end with someone who was either narcissistic or if not clinically a narcissist then they were an elitist snob?
I ask because i ended a friendship after 4 years with such a person, but his behavior toward me was such that one might wonder why HE didn't end it with me. Haughty, arrogant, cynical, name calling, yelling at my face because of my shortcomings (indecisive about my major, took me a long time to graduate, not outgoing with the girls), you'd think i was a convicted criminal from the way he used to treat me
Do narcissists typically wait until you end it with them because they secretly enjoy feeling superior to you and belittling you? And once they learn you're history in their lives, do they ever think to themselves "gee maybe I'm a snob or a difficult person?".
has anyone ever ended it with someone like this but in reality the snob should have just ended it themselves?
That's not narcissism or even snobbery, that's bullying and emotional abuse. Abusers will never drop friends/partners no matter how worthless they try to claim that you are because then they would have no one to abuse. I was once briefly friends with someone like this but I cut ties with him early on, from the first moment he called me names (told me I was a pathetic loser and laughed in my face) - he did not take it well and would occasionally resurface to try to verbally abuse me some more. It was only two or three times a year for a couple years but had it been more often, I would have contacted the police and reported him for harassment. At the time I met him, I was depressed with low self esteem and my only friends were family members so I think he thought I was an ideal candidate for an abuse victim - like I was so desperate for friends, I'd take anyone... well, he got a surprise when I still had enough self esteem to boot him out of my life the moment he treated me like crap. I will never be that desperate for a friend!
Hopefully you have learned from this to cut ties with someone from the very first sign of behavior like this and you will not have to endure 4 years of it again. Remember, verbal/emotional abuse does not only happen in romantic relationships or parent/child relationships. It can happen with friends, siblings, extended family, employers/co-workers - pretty much ANY one you have any kind of relationship with can be an abuser.
I agree with PA2UK. This is not narcissism or snobbery. It's just abusive behavior. People like this can't feel good about themselves unless they're belittling you. I've had friends who've done things that frustrated me. I had one friend who spent years and years bouncing between careers and I always wondered when he'd settle on something. I had another friend who would keep dating guys that treated her like dirt. I didn't just pretend not to notice, but I also didn't berate them for their choices. I simply offered my opinion and if they chose to ignore my advice, then there was nothing more I could do. Sure you can watch from the sidelines as your friend makes a major mistake with their life. But it's their life and shouting at them, insulting them, etc. isn't the way to persuade them.
tho it probably was less common in the early 80's to find people like me who transferred 3 schools, dropped out twice until getting the degree at 25, to day you see that a lot
this experience always made me think that i was clinging too hard to a friendship and looking for approval that i could not get; it also was very irritating to see someone who was NOT making mistakes like i was. to this day i still carry around that experience. i still feel like he is watching, criticizing and evaluating every move I make tho i have not see him since 1984
it taught me a lesson about how i relate to people that's for sure
i didn't see your post. in this case it was very hard to see because this guy seemed like a 'salt of the earth' type. he came from a rich family. what i failed to remember was that he used to get picked on a lot from the other students in our program. guys used to ask him if he liked any girls and he was really not very attractive to the ladies tho miraculously always found someone to spend the night and he even got married about a year before our friendship ended (when he was courting and married he was at his worst). i guess he took all that anger and shame and just transferred it all on to me. his wife also had a big weight issue. not that that made her bad but he was so grandiose you'd think he'd never be with a woman who was overweight
so you are saying this guy is probably not a narcissist?!
i was referring to a male friendship, and i'm not 51, and i continue to have occasional issues with bullies at work, so i think of this person when it happens and what i should have done back then and now
and we are always talking of difficult people on this board so i figured why not chime in
As smart and mature and as responsible as you perceive yourself to be now, and at that time, you BOTH WERE JUST KIDS!
What's more scary is you totally blame him, and don't realize your own attraction to such a person. If he was as awful as you say, why did it take you so long to get out of the friendship, partnership, whatever.
We..ALL OF US..are always trying to fix OTHER PEOPLE..instead of ourselves. My Ex wife was manipulative, mean, and cold. An episode of House where they showed a female psychopath who was decieving everybody scared the hell out of me because she acted EXACTLY like my wife. There's a scene where she reveals her true self tom 13. In my case my wife in a conversation suddenly turned stone faced and said "give me what I want or I'll make our children hate you, I can make them love you or hate you" It was the same robotic, unemotional way that the actress did it on House. When our marriage ended I was a mess. Dwelling and dwelling on why, if she hated me so long(i found out) would she stay with me for 18 years! How could she not love me, I showered her with affection? Not looking at all what was wrong with me that I'd totally be oblivious to eveything she did. was doing, that I wouldn't put up with for a second in others. I dated and found I was suddenly with another woman, very much like my ex! Then of course, I have to rationalize THEY MUST ALL BE LIKE THAT, to ease my inability to work on myself.
Only, when I delved into what made me attractive, have an attraction to this sort of person, did they suddenly start disappearing from my life. I could dwell on this for the rest of my life, or move on..I eventually moved on. Only looking at the past to avoid future mistakes, not to time travel in my mind and fix something.
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I was 18
