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I've known this person long enough to know that it isn't just a phase. I excused it in the past because she was going through a difficult period in her life. But that's no longer the case. I think I'm just realizing that this is who she really is.
I keep asking what the pros and cons are to keeping this friendship and what the pros and cons are to ending it. When I do that, it becomes clear that I'm better off without this person in my life. I'd miss them, but I won't miss the toxicity. But if you end it and regret that decision, it's hard to go back and repair things.
Denny, yes I have ended relationships for this very same reason. There have been a couple of times where the people have changed and the relationships have rekindled. If you are in a long-term toxic/one-sided relationship, sometimes it's just better to walk away. If you wait too long to get out of the relationship, you may have too many resentments built up to ever rekindle it later.
I honestly have no regrets, when it comes to walking away.....not all friendships are forever, and if you really can't stand the person, if your respect for them plummets on a daily basis, why stay there? It's not as if you're doing either of you any good. You become bitter, they become MORE bitter, and eventually, YOU become their target.
As far as not being able to rekindle a relationship later....Denny, if a person is awful, makes your life and those around them miserable, then refuses to accept responsibility for his/her actions later, what's to rekindle? You're a really nice guy Denny, but no one deserves to be a doormat. You can only help someone just so much. I've learned that the hard way....and when I look at those whom I walked away from, those who never changed, they simply moved on to making other's lives miserable. Some people are simply like that.....chronically miserable and toxic and eager to pass it on. It's terribly sad...but how they choose to live their lives.
One thing I've noticed about chronic complainers is how self-centered they can be. They expect you to listen to them, but when the shoe's on the other foot and you need them to listen to you, they don't really want to. Sometimes, they'll even downplay the significance of your problems. In other words, your problems aren't as big as mine so therefore you don't have as much cause to complain as me. They can also be self-centered in that, if you decide you don't want to listen anymore, instead of understand why you don't want to listen, they'll actually get angry at you and make you feel like you're no longer being a good friend. Like I said earlier, such behavior will only continue for as long as you tolerate it, which is why I won't be as hesitant to put my friends in their place from now on. They can cry on my shoulder if they need it, but not excessively and certainly not about silly things or the same things over and over again.
I broke it off with a few friends because I was feeling used and unappreciated and have yet to regret it. I did not make those decisions lightly and thought long and hard about it.
I find it very frustrating when you are the one doing all the work, all the running around, remembering Birthdays, Christmas, tastes and distastes , being thoughtful and generous etc... and it is never reciprocated.
It becomes almost a job and is quite frankly exhausting. Friendship like Love is supposed to be two way , not a one way street. After a while quite frankly you start to get fed up disenchanted and feel abused and used and that does not sit well with me. Resentment and friendship are not a good mix.
Dumping friends was not something I enjoyed doing but it was a good way to clean up house and let some fresh air in, blowing the cobwebs of a stale relationship.
I believe true friends are far and few between and it is obvious when someone cares about you or when they are simply enjoying a free ride.
Life's too short to put up with crap from people, be they family, friends or lovers. If you are doing all the work they are not your friends. Period. I have no regrets except getting involved with them in the first place.
One thing I've noticed about chronic complainers is how self-centered they can be. They expect you to listen to them, but when the shoe's on the other foot and you need them to listen to you, they don't really want to. Sometimes, they'll even downplay the significance of your problems. In other words, your problems aren't as big as mine so therefore you don't have as much cause to complain as me. They can also be self-centered in that, if you decide you don't want to listen anymore, instead of understand why you don't want to listen, they'll actually get angry at you and make you feel like you're no longer being a good friend. Like I said earlier, such behavior will only continue for as long as you tolerate it, which is why I won't be as hesitant to put my friends in their place from now on. They can cry on my shoulder if they need it, but not excessively and certainly not about silly things or the same things over and over again.
I completely agree! Relationships need to be a two-way street. Chronic complainers are only looking for a sounding board, not a relationship. In true friendships, your friend cares as much about what you're going through as you do their dilemnas. You are exactly right in saying that such behaviors will only continue for as long as you tolerate it.
Most of us can say we've been in that type of relationship...ick. There are simply people who feel as if everything that's happening to them is far more traumatic than what is happening to you or anyone else. What's worse is when they whine incessantly to you, then shut down every suggestion you give them. They can never solve their own problems, but have an immediate (off-handed) solution to yours...(just let it go...it'll work itself out). I think some people don't want to "solve" their problems, they either want someone to fix it for them, or they wouldn't have anything to talk about if their problems were solved. In other words, they're poor conversationalists who have nothing BUT their problems, to talk about. Selfish indeed!
There are simply people who feel as if everything that's happening to them is far more traumatic than what is happening to you or anyone else. What's worse is when they whine incessantly to you, then shut down every suggestion you give them. They can never solve their own problems, but have an immediate (off-handed) solution to yours...(just let it go...it'll work itself out). I think some people don't want to "solve" their problems, they either want someone to fix it for them, or they wouldn't have anything to talk about if their problems were solved. In other words, they're poor conversationalists who have nothing BUT their problems, to talk about. Selfish indeed!
I remember being in a relationship when I was in my early 20s. My GF at the time and I were having problems. She felt I was being insensitive to her complaints. Another friend who was also female said to me, "your problem is that you're a fixer. But women don't want guys to fix things. They want guys who will listen." Being young and naive, I accepted this advice without question. Now I realize that while people may sometimes just need to vent, you shouldn't be afraid to offer solutions. Whether they take your advice or not is another matter. But I think some people don't actually want to solve their problems. Like you said, they either want you to solve them for them or they just want to keep complaining. I've learned to stop helping people with problems they can solve themselves. I think, deep down, they know they can fix some of these things. They either don't want to or think it'll require too much effort. In those cases, it's hard to really care anymore. For example, if a friend complains to me about their weight and how it's making their dating life harder, I offer no sympathy. Either lose the weight or quit complaining.
As I've gotten older, I've found that simple responses such as, "Hmm/really?/that's sad/
oh wow/that's too bad", can be quite useful! LOL I've also grown quite fond of the quick look at my watch, followed by "Oh MAN, I didn't realize it was so LATE...Holy cow, where has the time gone. I'm so sorry, but I really have to go! I forgot I had to ________! I hope that works out for you!" Seriously, sometimes I think that some people get so caught up in complaining, non-stop, frequently, to anyone who will listen, especially when one of their greatest excuses is "I just don't have the TIME!!"...they forget that complaining TAKES time. I have found myself thinking, "Hmmmm you've wasted an hour and a half of your time AND my time, complaining...you've probably complained to 2 other people for the same length of time....hmmmm that's 4 1/2 hrs of time wasted. If you spend less time complaining and more time doing something about your problem, it would be solved!"
If you spend less time complaining and more time doing something about your problem, it would be solved!"
LOL. I almost said something like this to my boss the other day. What's the status? When are you going to be finished? What's taking so long? I almost snapped back "I'd get done a lot faster if you stop asking me about it." Same with the people who complain about their issues. They waste a lot of time and energy, but they're no better off. And now they have less time to actually solve the problem they were complaining about.
One thing I've noticed about chronic complainers is how self-centered they can be. They expect you to listen to them, but when the shoe's on the other foot and you need them to listen to you, they don't really want to. Sometimes, they'll even downplay the significance of your problems. In other words, your problems aren't as big as mine so therefore you don't have as much cause to complain as me. They can also be self-centered in that, if you decide you don't want to listen anymore, instead of understand why you don't want to listen, they'll actually get angry at you and make you feel like you're no longer being a good friend. Like I said earlier, such behavior will only continue for as long as you tolerate it, which is why I won't be as hesitant to put my friends in their place from now on. They can cry on my shoulder if they need it, but not excessively and certainly not about silly things or the same things over and over again.
Oh yeah, I've completely dealt with that. I've had "friends" tell me their most "interesting" story as a I listen intently to it just to show I care about what they are saying. But right when I tell mine, they just cut me off or ignore me. If we can't have mutual feelings no matter how much I try, I just end it. Nothing dramatic, I just won't hang out with them anymore.
LOL. I almost said something like this to my boss the other day. What's the status? When are you going to be finished? What's taking so long? I almost snapped back "I'd get done a lot faster if you stop asking me about it." Same with the people who complain about their issues. They waste a lot of time and energy, but they're no better off. And now they have less time to actually solve the problem they were complaining about.
I had a boss years ago who did this to me....did it to all of his employees, in fact....well, manager really, not the "boss". I stood there in a "ready to dash away" stance, kept checking my watch, trying to keep track of my patients...watching call lights going off like crazy, it made him a nervous wreck! (my stance) He said, "_____ does it BOTHER you when I talk to you, because you look like you can't wait to get away from me?" I said, "Yeah ______, actually it bothers me a lot. It bothers ALL of us when you stop us on the floor to talk. You're standing here complaining because we're not getting to call lights fast enough, we're not prioritizing our time well enough. I'm standing here in the middle of the hallway, for 15 minutes with you, call lights going off all around me, people asking for help like crazy, and you're keeping me from doing my job....that you're saying we need to do better! I have a real issue with you talking to me when I have work to do. I'd appreciate it very much if you'd schedule some time with me after or before shift. I can say with 100% certainty that the rest of the workers here feel exactly the same way. Is there anything else you'd like to know? Because, if there isn't, I've got a whole lot of catching up to do, with some paying customers."
Did I get into trouble? Heck no. LOL He also stopped bugging the workers during their shifts.
I received the end of a friendship and suffered a lot after trying to talk to the person. But she didnt care about me, my need and received a lot of pain. She belittled me, never listened to me and in fact after a lot of pain and the time going on I realized it was the best way. When you feel you can't trust the person anymore and not open your heart for me the friendship is just over. But it has taken more than one year, I was so sad and it has taken a long time to accept the fact...and today I try to let things go....There are time when the emotions and pain come up again but I try to say : " let it go, don't worry if the person will contact you again or not and regret her behaviour, move on, have the head full of projects for your future...and it helps me. I also realized that I sometimes scare when I should just let it go and do not worry about the future....this is life. The most important is the present.
But it is like if one of a belove dies and it takes time to grieve....I know I am quite sensitive and I am just in the way I am that's all....If I analyzed and I can say that I didnt exaggerate or been too sensitive. She was really harmful. Her sister in the past told same thing to her....
Today I can just hope that SHE will realize she lost a good friend with the time....after a while people sometimes regret what they did....I will never close my door definitely if she would really apologize but I will be probably more demanding than it the past....there are things like free harm that I do not accept. Every one can make mistake say something they shouldn't but it must not be a habit. And she used to harm me several time, when I told her she didnt hear me....all was only my fault.... at least I think that her behaviour was toxic. I brought a lot of my kindness and finally I just received back slap. I don't know why some people like harming others when you offer your friendship. But boundaries are important and cutting off too.
Last edited by Blueflower; 05-11-2011 at 10:58 AM..
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