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My family, and you have to have a lot of money to live there. And it is for the elderly. It is private and one has to have money to live there.
Of course, there is a staff as well, depending on level of need.
Okay, as long as she is well taken care of
But it looks like you are waging a losing battle with money grubbing brothers. And being the daughter it is always difficult. If you are doing okay with your well valued house, it's probably better to let go and not deal with the stress.
Or else you will have to need the services of Lawyers Inc., aka modern daylight robbers
No, mom is in a transitional facility that goes anywhere from independent apt living to assisted living to lockdown living, which is where my dad spent the last four years of his life (lockdown living, which is no way to live).
I will be the first one to say (since she is in the closet), mom, go to a regular department store and spend some money on some decent shoes, no matter how much they cost.
This is not an issue of my questioning whose money it is. I have continually told her I want her to eat "downstairs" even though it costs more. I have told her to spend her money on herself. She is a depression era person who will not. For some odd reason, she thinks she owes it to her kids, which I have repeatedly told her she does not. I have encouraged her to buy new furniture and whatever she wants. It *is* her money and she should spend it.
When the shyt hit the fan this summer, it was because the facility said my dad needed 24/7 care, special care providers who would come in and give him this service where he was living. The facility said without this he would have to go into a nursing home. It was ME who said, money be damned, he needs the care and let his money be spent on himself. It was my older brother who told me "he would not engage in a pissing contest with me" that really messed things up. He wanted to save money and look for another solution. I wanted to keep my dad out of a nursing home. So see how this goes? Little did I realize the amendment of 2001 and I had absolutely NO say? Well, that deal put the ax between my brother and me. OK, TMI, but you see what I am getting at here, right?
Anyway, I thought I had rights to have a say in the best care for my dad, but obviously I had no rights due to the 2001 amendment. Harsh emails were exchanged. But I'll always say it was my dad's money and, when push came to shove, it should have been spent on his care.
As it turned out, things worked out but not before my brother rubbed it in my face. Of course, he is the former Navy Officer, former UC-Berkeley MBA, former executive of this, that and the other. Blah, blah, blah.
Look, you sound like a nice person. It sounds like you really did only want what was best for your dad. You can feel good about that.
The thing of it is, though, that your dad decided that he wanted your brothers to be the ones who made the decisions. I'm not sure why he did that. Maybe it was fair, maybe it wasn't, but it was his choice and absolutely within his rights to do. It was his life, he was the one who got to choose who would make decisions for him when it got to the point where he couldn't make them for himself. For whatever reason, he chose your brothers. So no matter how much you think "I should have the right to give input in my father's treatment" the truth of it is, that no one has that right but your father, and your father specifically chose to GIVE that right to your brothers. I know it hurts, but you can't fault your brothers for that. They were just carrying out what your father wanted.
And it may not have been personal. It didn't mean that he didn't love you. Maybe it was because they lived closer, maybe he felt closer to them, maybe he thought they think more like he did. Who knows. It was just his call.
Is it possible that your dad just felt your brothers were best suited to handle financial and medical decisions? Maybe it was because they were older? Maybe they had different personalities?
When my friend's mother died, she didn't have that much, but she left a good amount for her youngest daughter. There were four kids, Two older brothers, two younger sisters. The youngest was the only one who, at 23, hadn't finished college and wasn't married yet, so the mother expressed that she wanted this amount (enough to comfortably do both those things) to go to her. She put her oldest son in charge of dispensing the money to the daughter even though the daughter was in her 20's at the time. You see, as much as she loved all her children, the daughter was going through a tough spell, and having her mom get sick didn't help that. The mom worried she would squander the money.
Well the youngest pitched a fit and demanded the money. Caused such a stink for so long that finally the oldest brother allowed her to have it. She blew it within a few months, dropped out of college, etc, and now complains that she has no money for a wedding like her siblings had.
Could be that dad put the brothers in charge for a reason.
Look, you sound like a nice person. It sounds like you really did only want what was best for your dad. You can feel good about that.
The thing of it is, though, that your dad decided that he wanted your brothers to be the ones who made the decisions. I'm not sure why he did that. Maybe it was fair, maybe it wasn't, but it was his choice and absolutely within his rights to do. It was his life, he was the one who got to choose who would make decisions for him when it got to the point where he couldn't make them for himself. For whatever reason, he chose your brothers. So no matter how much you think "I should have the right to give input in my father's treatment" the truth of it is, that no one has that right but your father, and your father specifically chose to GIVE that right to your brothers. I know it hurts, but you can't fault your brothers for that. They were just carrying out what your father wanted.
And it may not have been personal. It didn't mean that he didn't love you. Maybe it was because they lived closer, maybe he felt closer to them, maybe he thought they think more like he did. Who knows. It was just his call.
Well and good, but what you don't know is that I insisted I be included on the POA doc in 2004 and was left off. I fought for that and my mother agreed. So I WAS listed on the POA agreement, so I had every reason to believe my vote counted. I was the one who flew 1800 miles to take care of him in his psychotic state for ten days when no one else would. I just had no knowledge of the 2001 amendment, nor did my mother. So can you see my conflict? I had it amended to include me (the 2004 POA), yet my brother said he would not engage in a "pissing contest" with me. That is what so offended me.
Is it possible that your dad just felt your brothers were best suited to handle financial and medical decisions? Maybe it was because they were older? Maybe they had different personalities?
When my friend's mother died, she didn't have that much, but she left a good amount for her youngest daughter. There were four kids, Two older brothers, two younger sisters. The youngest was the only one who, at 23, hadn't finished college and wasn't married yet, so the mother expressed that she wanted this amount (enough to comfortably do both those things) to go to her. She put her oldest son in charge of dispensing the money to the daughter even though the daughter was in her 20's at the time. You see, as much as she loved all her children, the daughter was going through a tough spell, and having her mom get sick didn't help that. The mom worried she would squander the money.
Well the youngest pitched a fit and demanded the money. Caused such a stink for so long that finally the oldest brother allowed her to have it. She blew it within a few months, dropped out of college, etc, and now complains that she has no money for a wedding like her siblings had.
Could be that dad put the brothers in charge for a reason.
Could be in that case, but not in my case. With the exception that my brothers were BOYS and I am a GIRL, there is no other reason. I've proven myself to be fiscally responsible, even though I'm not a multi-millionaire like my other brother.
I can only think my dad did a better job of raising boys than girls. At the funeral, I realized how much time he spent with his sons. He was absent for his daughters.
I'm just not seeing how the example in his post is any different compared to a lot of American families. What's so different culturally?
I cannot explain it. You either pick up on it or you don't. I do. At least with respect to this situation which I referenced. I've lived overseas and worked in a super diverse city with super diverse people.
Grasshoppers, my Dad left a lot of property and to this day I tell mama to give it to my brother so he can buy a condo in Canada, and he tells her she needs to give it to me for my house, coz I'm getting married soon.
I wonder why it's so difficult for the rest of the world. Maybe you should try making your own money, first
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistygrl092
I cannot explain it. You either pick up on it or you don't. I do. At least with respect to this situation which I referenced. I've lived overseas and worked in a super diverse city with super diverse people.
Parents wanting to leave their children money. American. Children wanting their parents to keep their money. American. An attitude that you should earn your own money first. American. Outside the fact that he noted Canada in his post, it's all pretty American, and America happens to be multicultural. Either way, what I'm interested in knowing is how the above is not applicable to you or anyone else in this thread due to culture. I'm curious about that.
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